Please help me feel less shit about my appearance. Feeling genuinely really low about it

[Aperolol]

Hi,

So I've got the 4 0 coming up very shortly and whereas I know that's not old, I'm doing that typical 'oh, I'm fine with it...it's actually quite liberating' to "what?!How am I 40?! 😱'

I've always felt I looked OK. Have always had hang ups, don't get me wrong, but I scrubbed up well and got plenty of compliments. Now, I just feel like no amount of 'scrubbing' helps. It's all happened so quickly. That's how it feels anyway. My skin is really starting to sag and I'm getting my family jowls, my under eyes look awful - dark and hollow...but sometimes puffy too. My hair used to be long, thick and glossy, now it's thin on top, with a matronly hairline and candy floss textured. Oh and I've developed loads of greys too over the past couple of years.

Been away with DP for the night and normally I'd really enjoy getting all dressed up, but once I had finished last night, I just looked in the mirror and thought 'well that was a waste of time' and also 'where did I go?!' I know that's very cliche, but that's where I am and I was close to tears.

I often find myself close to tears about it actually. I feel invisible now and I didn't think people felt that way at this age. Actually I'd go as far as to say I feel quite ugly. I keep looking into treatments and potions to help me feel better about myself, but I would hate to look too 'done'. I have a Foreo Bear, but that's as invasive as I've been and tbh, I don't see any difference.

Not really sure why I'm posting this. Just wanted to get it out I suppose. Dp thinks I'm being overly self critical, but let's be honest, they're hardly going to say they see where I'm coming from, are they? 😳

Is this a common feeling at this age?

I’m the same age and feeling the same. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in the last 12 months. Even my knees are sore now. My doctor thinks it could be hormone related. My family and friends tell me I look exactly the same and they haven’t noticed any difference so maybe it is all in my head!

@EmilyTjP I get the knee pain too! 😬 Sucks doesn't it! I was in the cinema the other day, so I'd been sitting...doing nothing for hours and I went to uncross my legs and my knees were so painful 😩

I suspect I am peri, but ugh, what will happen when I'm full blow meno?!

Yeah it's called ageing and it's shit!

Start taking collagen, using retinol (and sunscreen) and note down peri symptoms

It's shallow but losing weight and getting Botox did make a difference to me. I'm currently Botox free but thinking of getting it again.

Don't get drawn in by any miracle products- the things that will make a real difference are drinking masses of water each day, fruits/veggies, and exercise.
Having said that, a subtle gradual fake tan and a hair dye does make ones face appear a lot brighter!

@Garlicnaan blunt but true 😂

I actually do take collagen and did think it slowed down my hair shedding, but I don't notice any regrowth. My nails grow faster, but in terms of my skin, I don't notice any difference. I do use retinol (Elizabeth Arden) but probably only a couple of times a week, as it's so expensive! I'm not sure how retinol will help me that much though, as my main issues are with sagging and my under eyes. I did use a special one under my eyes for a while, but it really stung and I'm sure they looked worse.

Really tempted with filler under my eyes, but that sounds too risky to me, plus the build up of filler puts me off.

As me auld ma used to say growing up in Ireland so we did ..

"I don't like getting old, I don't, everything is saggyon and achey, but it's still better than never aging again.. caused I'd rather be old and here than be fecking dead"

To which I'd say,
"Why you taking with an Irish accent? Your from Laos"

To which shed say,
"Ah be gone wit ya now"

And if you hadn't guessed OP, this is all bollocks.. to remind you that getting old is a privilege that millions never get and, as saggy and achy as you light get, tis better than the alternative.

Plus... Cosmetic surgery is a thing or, if money is tight, lots and lots of phone filters.. 😂😂😂🤪

@Butterflysunshine01 yes, I need to stay on top of drinking more water!

@MobileStationery 😂 Very true. I keep telling myself this.

@Butterflysunshine01 can you recommend a good subtle gradual fake tan please? Any tips for use?

HRT
Botox
Fillers - very subtle and targeted
Exercise
No alcohol
Eat as well as you can

Hi op, do you exercise ? Drink lots of water ? Get enough sleep?
I think all of the above would help your mood and self esteem as well as your appearance.
Botox is great but I also slather my face with oil every night (rose oil with retinol) and my skin has a good consistency from it. If you want something less invasive, try a quartz roller kept in the fridge or freezer and roll around the eyes when you're doing your skincare on a morning.

This is good advice. Check vitamin and iron levels too. Look into foods rich in magnesium or try supplements. Getting enough sleep knocks quite a few years off!

God, I know exactly how you feel! I'm about the same age. My face, hair and body just aren't doing what they used to, even when I make an effort. It's a bit depressing, but I try not to dwell on it. There are some things which genuinely matter, e.g. health, flexibility, fitness, and so I focus on those, and try to let go of the more surface-level anxieties about what I look like. I don't manage it all the time, but most of the time I don't really care what I look like.

Something that made me feel better about it was reflecting about the mums on the school run. Some of the nicest (and most popular) ones are the ones who don't wear any make-up, never get dressed up and don't have great skin. This led me to conclude that I shouldn't attach so much value to looking more attractive, or that people will think more of me for looking more attractive. There are plenty of better things in my life to worry about!

I think it's better to accept and make peace with looking your age. Truly, nothing you do hides it. Not really. You might achieve polished but not young.
There's nothing wrong with ageing. Have a decent haircut, dress well, embrace your lines and experience. Be confident.

Looking young is for the young. You've had your turn...now you are something else; seasoned, stylish, secure in your worth.

I'm 48...I got over looking my age ages ago. Can't fight it. Why stress?

Eta: I am slim because I eat well and take regular exercise. I think that helps a LOT, not just in terms of looking well but my mental health too.

I was 40 last week and definitely feeling more creaky than before!

I feel I'm doing ok though, and put this down to a mini-makeover I had a few years ago. Key things were: eyebrow shape, teeth whitening, and a trip to the hairdressers.

Other key daily things are: drinking enough water per day (a time-marked water bottle might help with this); a daily smoothie (a mix of frozen fruit and veg and a tablespoon of flaxseed oil); movement (a walk or quick 1 minute ab exercise) and a 5 minute inversion (usually after I finish work).

I believe this has helped my hair grow:

5 minute legs up the wall

I switched some of my skincare for things that are more hydrating e.g. Cerave hydrating cleanser. Retinol and spf daily are a must too.

I'm thinking about investing in an led mask for the anti-ageing benefits. I think red light might help with hair growth.

Good luck OP!

Thanks for all the replies and advice. Really appreciate it.

@stardust777 That sounds interesting. Will give that a go.

Was going to try derma rolling for my hair, as I already have one for my face, but I don't really know how to use it on my scalp, as I'm worried I'll damage my existing hair. Does anyone have any tips on how to do this?

Sounds like you need some positive thoughts!
Ive never really had this happened to me because Im (being optimistic) plain and so you cant lose what you never had!!LOL😂
I used to feel like shit about it and didnt take care of myself but the only person you are hurting then is yourself. Now I take care of my health and diet, make an effort with clothes and make up (maybe I'll look like a pig with lipstick, but I will be the best damned looking pig around!). If you keep telling yourself you are absolutely worth the effort eventually you believe it.
Im now in a better place mentally and physically at 50 then I ever was at 20, 30 or 40! Its a mindset.....learn to gaslight yourself!!😎

Or throw endless money at companies desperate to exploit your insecurity by making unrealistic claims about their snake oil products and regimes which don't make the slightest bit of difference to the fact that you look your age.
Something has GOT to work, right?*

*no