Aged so much after becoming a mum at 45, please help!

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Six years ago I had my only child at 45 I'd done IVF in my 30's with no luck and had given up trying but amazingly got pregnant naturally (it was a total surprise and unplanned but very much wanted) at 44.

Prior to becoming a mum I always looked very young for my age and I bloomed through pregnancy and felt amazing. After the birth I was on maternity leave for the next year and very wrapped up in my baby as all new mum's are. I did have some stresses with my daughters health and with breast feeding and of course my sleep was interrupted but being off meant I could nap through the day and I probably wasn't thinking too much of myself.

I think it was after I returned to work and my daughter went into nursery that things really started to go down hill for my appearance and health. I was still breastfeeding and was losing too much weight at this point and I think I was losing muscle mass as well. My face became very gaunt and my teeth started to deteriorate quite a bit and I did lose some teeth, my hair thinned and went totally grey which I still dye my natural auburn colour. My daughter was still waking during the night and it often felt like me and my husband were only ever half asleep most nights if at all. I was exhausted and stressed and then with nursery it seemed that my daughter, myself and my husband were always ill with D&V bugs or colds or flu even impetigo!

I was in perimenopause at this point although in denial about it because I'd just had a baby so how could I be menopausal? However my periods never really came back properly after the birth and breast feeding and I realise now that the whole time I was breast feeding my estrogen levels, whatever I had left were decreased.

I think the constant rotation of illnesses and sleep deprivation that went on for a few years really along with parenting, work stress, pandemic stress, aging parent stress, moving house stress, DH's illness stress etc really hollowed me and my husband out, we aged a lot and during those years and it didn't feel like we had any time for self care at all. I did try to get more energy at one point by taking up running but I was so depleted that I think it only made things worse and I now seem to an ongoing hip issues.

So I am now 51, post menopausal according to my GP and I look a lot older than my age. My friends who are all roughly my age all still look amazing, many started HRT years ago and had the time and money to really look after themselves at this stage of life with whatever treatments, exercises, diets and so on they felt would support them. They are either childfree or had their kids much younger and they are very supportive, a mine of information on things like skin treatments, HRT and exercise but I think I need a complete renovation as opposed to the upkeep they are all doing!

I just want to make myself look and feel a bit better as my daughter is now getting to the age where she is noticing I look older than her parents friends and I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb, I really don't want her worrying about our ages at all as DH is even older than me.

I am still too thin (body and face) and I think I still have muscle loss from my legs and bottom, can I get that back at this age, would HRT help? I could afford some treatments like laser / radiofrequency or to get my eyes done or some filler but I can't afford it all or to do a full face lift. I have started on tretinoin now but its very hard going and I don't think it can really help that much to be honest.

Any advice? I wish there was some kind of knowledgeable service where I could go and state my budget and they would be able to advise me of the best options to get the most bang for my buck but I'm just worried about being hard sold on certain things just because a particular provider offers that treatment. I had that happen with some treatment for acne I had in my 20's and it was not a good choice for me.

That sounds hard.

are you still missing teeth? If so I’d prioritise dentistry.

it’s also amazing how a good blow dry and a good outfit can lift years off you. Do you take care to blow dry and choose clothes that don’t age you?

I have Botox and that has lead to a lot of people commenting I look good. I just have it on my forehead and around my eyes, it stops the lines but also lifts your eyebrows which makes you look younger. Fillers scare me as often they are too obvious.

are you using a good acid toner and retinol? Those also made a difference to me.

@MasterOfNobody Thank you yes, I am seeking dental work but I already have some bone loss where I lost teeth, they are at the back so not visible but the bone loss has contributed to my looking older.

I am using tretinoin but not an acid toner, I will look in to it and into the botox.

First of all, you probably aren’t as much of an outlier as you imagine in your mind - the school my dc went to, plenty of parents had babies mid 40s. I agree about the dentistry and Botox, I’ve spent far too much on pointless creams over the years and wish I’d gone for Botox, it’s on my list!

That said, nothing wrong with a sensible age appropriate retinol/vitamin c/face oil routine to make you feel better.

have you been to a few beauty hall type places to get a make over? I did that when I was coming out of the fog, I’ve definitely found make up has changed hugely in the past 20 years and what suits you changes post 40 too. You should try and do a few, some are better than others.

Oh also collagen worth giving a 3-6 month go - I have the chuckling goat one but there are a lot on the market, when it first came out I thought it was a fad but it does seem to help.

Oh and if you’re thinking LED stuff, there are a lot of at home LED masks out there, again, at first, I was unsure but the batch released in the last year all reports good results. I’d go for that rather than pay for facials as you can do it 3-4 x a week at home

Oh, I imagine you are being too hard on yourself.

I don't think children mind how you look as long you spend time/ do things with them? So I wouldn't worry about that.

Do you get some 'me' time now? Is your husband able to help more so you can do this?

Do you eat well? I'd swap all ultra processed food and eat whole milk, eggs, meat, full fat yogurt, butter, fruit, veg, cheese etc

Fresh air & Exercise: do you exercise and get outside daily? You don't have to run but getting out for a walk makes you feel a lot better, then start building up some strength / muscles.

How about Yoga? 20 mins a day at home? I follow ' Yoga by Adriene' on you tube and there are loads of free ones she does.

I take collagen each day and since taking it (6 months) my skin, hair and nails have improved. (I don't need to gain any weight though, I could do with losing a stone).

I'm not sure on HRT and haven't felt I've needed it yet (I'm 42), no harm in going to the doctors and asking about it though and researching it. I watched Davina McCall's TV programs and I found them good (she is very pro HRT though)

Id love to have Botox but not sure its something I can afford and keep up with so doubt I would.

I separated from my partner a year or so ago and I'm now 'finding my feet' and enjoying more 'me' time. Small changes will help, just start with what you can fit in and then a month later add something else.

I’m 50 this year and I find that having a facial every couple of months does wonders for my skin. It’s all about hydration at our age.

i agree with you that being very thin isn’t flattering at our age, but I’m not sure what to suggest except eating more! 😂. I agree that whole milk and yoghurt are good options if you eat dairy.

I’ve put on weight in perimenopause, gone from a BMI of 18 to 21, and that extra stone suits me, tbh. I’m determined not to gain anymore, but I personally think that a little padding is better for me at this stage in life.

Thanks everyone loads of great advice, I'm going to make out a plan and try and tackle at least one thing a month so see a dentist one month then get my hair properly seen to and so on. I have hardly spent a penny on myself in the past 6 years so I think I do deserve a little something now!

Do you have time to incorporate exercise into your week? I'm naturally very thin, so at first I was worried it would make me thinner, but it just really helped to give my body tone and muscle, and really improved my overall confidence / mood. I mostly did strength training.
If you really want to put on weight look at healthy fats like avocados, nuts, etc, alongside a balanced diet. And be kind to yourself. You're doing an amazing job bringing up your daughter, as well as navigating menopause!

You certainly do, good luck with it. and ps - I asked a friend with really good hair where she got hers done two years ago and the person was way better than anyone I’d found before. So ask around for people with good cut and colour, they’re usually happy to recommend.

@letmeeatinpeace I am quite active but I haven't done much exercise since doing the running a few years ago. I would like to start again but I think I need to stay away from lots of cardio and focus on things like yoga and strength training with just a bit of cardio or else I'll just burn myself out more.

My diet could be better, I tend to forget to eat when I am stressed as opposed to overeating and its just as bad for you I'm sure to not get enough nutrition.

@Ledl54 I am lucky to have a lot of friends who are more than happy to share their info with me which is great but I just need a lot more work than all of them!

I seriously doubt this! You do need to feel better about yourself urgently though! And excellent advice on yoga and strength training too.

I’m younger than you but I do think having babies can age you. Those years of sleep deprivation, illness and stress are bloody hard. I’m 40 this year with a three year old and she’s definitely given me some grey hairs and wrinkles.
My priorities would be teeth and hair ( you need to keep the colour fresh and make sure it’s got some hair to it). Extensions are a good shout, you can get short ones just for volume. I’ve attached a pic I saw on instagram and was thinking how much younger the woman looked with fuller longer hair.
I’d definitely be taking the opportunity to eat a bit more cake if I was you as too thin is ageing. I do Botox and have just done some skin boosters but I believe polynucleotides are the latest thing that are meant to be great for rejuvenating.

Oops forgot to attach

I could of written this post op! I've lost a lot of teeth as well as a result of hg in pregnancy , all back teeth but still made my face gaunt . Hi had my ds just before I was 43 he's now 7 . I feel so sad ld and frumpy my friends say I'm not but i know their just being kind

@toomanyleggings That's really interesting! I actually think she looks younger with the short hair! However she does look prettier with the long hair and to be fair she is just really pretty regardless but I see what you mean. I am going to look into polynucleotides.

You were going to age anyway in those years. They are key ageing years.

People do all age at different rates. I'm the same age as you and its really striking how people age at different rates. Genetics is the main factor there.

She’s closer to the camera in the second pic so it’s less forgiving. I just think the overall effect is better with more hair! I have extensions and they really boost my confidence

Perimenopause is brutal, and the difference in me physically between 40 and 50 is astounding, and that's even with a good working and settled HRT plan including testosterone. I'd recommend seeing a private clinic if you feel you want to go down this route and can afford, definitely a lifesaver for me and wouldn't be giving it up in a hurry. The testosterone has helped reduce strains and aches and pains, and therefore helped loads with exercise.

Your daughter isn't judging you, but I hear you, it's a rapid downhill slope!

I think if I were you I'd be looking at my diet, making sure you get a good balance of nutrient rich foods. If you feel you need to put on some weight then I'd go for nuts and seeds rather than cake (but no harm in a bit of that too) you can keep them on you ready to snack. If you could stretch yo macadamia nuts they are great for health.

Then I'd get a good hair cut, sort out the dental issues, revamp the little bit iof make up I do use and my wardrobe as perhaps the colours you used to wear don't flatter you any more etc.

Just because you look older isn't the end of the world, I saw a woman recently, she must have been 70+ but she was dressed so stylishly and looked fantastic. Your child would think you are ancient whether you were 31 or 51 they have no perspective of time but I would show her me taking care of myself to stay healthy for her, teaching her healthy habits along the way.

I do agree with this but I think that women who had their kids younger or chose to be childfree its in those years where many (not all I know) will start to really look after themselves so change their diet, start HRT, take up strength training, Pilates and yoga, perhaps start doing "tweakments" or up their skincare regimen. I was vaguely aware of these conversations going on between my friends int he past five years but I really didn't have the band width for it until now.

I went from being one of the youngest looking of my friends to the oldest looking one by far and its certainly true that having my daughter and those early years did have a negative impact on my looks although of course I wouldn't change it.

@greyafter I'm 47 and I look younger at present but then I'm overweight so got padding!

And sadly wasn't able to have children. So don't have that stress - but I'd like to have had that stress though! Not wishing to make you feel bad by saying that though, it's just life.

I think a good skincare regime is important with products including hyaluronic acid, retinol & spf50.
I would get Botox but it's too expensive.

I definitely want to save up to get my teeth whitened.

I get my hair highlighted regularly that covers any white hairs.
I'm thinking about HRT in the future, I'm unsure if I'm in peri now or not as I take the Pill back to back. I accidentally missed 2 days and have a period.

I try to dress well but my family tell me off for 'dressing like a teenager' as I have a liking for cargo pants & baseball caps & hoodies at times.

I've been taking collagen supplements for 4 months also have taken Perfectil Hair supplements for 2 years and they do make a difference to your skin hair & nails.

I would recommend the following- build strong foundations and then decorate on top, like renovating building.

What you eat- fruit & veg and protein- are you getting enough of all 3? Don't do any crazy diet, just each week eat slightly more healthy.

Bone density- can you get a bone scan? And supplement with vitamin D each autumn and winter

Weights and proper 121 Pilates- can you get a personal trainer for a few months?

Definitely a good dentist.

Decent hair cut, olaplex once a month.

Get your colours done at House of Colour.

That lot should get you to end of 2024 and you will feel like a new woman