How can I look/feel sexy again.

[NeedToGetSexy]

Have name changed because I feel so silly.

I've been a mum for ten years and in that time I've really let myself go. I don't wear nice clothes, I have steadily gained weight, I don't wear make-up.

I was never very confident about my appearance and whilst focussing on being a SAHM it didn't seem important.

Now as I approach 40 I feel unnattractive, frumpy and unsexy and I don't want to feel like this any more.

I really don't know where to start. I feel a bit silly, I'm worried that if I try to make changes everyone will think I'm pathetic.

Can anyone inspire me, or advise me, or should I just get a grip and resign myself to middle age!

no, I don't have any motivators on there - wasn't sure how that all worked. But yes, that would be good, i need all the motivation I can get, and am happy to reciprocate.

Beckyvicky - If you go into the members section on the site and search for me under Nicky, then look down the list of Nicky's and I am in Manningtree, then you can add me as a motivator and I will be able to add you after that once I know who you are!

struggling with that part of the website - tried to set myself as a motivator so you could choose me, but it won't open. Can you set yourself as a motivator so I can choose you and see if that helps. Any way I sent you a healthclub message as a contact.
Might email the times to ask for help

Likewise! I got your message but can't respond to it nor can I view your webpage to leave you one! Will try again this weekend, but am going away today for a couple of days so please don't think I am ignoring you. I can't find you as a motivator either..... not sure if it is the site or me being thick here.

hi onlya....

are you back from Easter break? hope you had a good one?

still trying to fathon the times site, did you get my message?

i will try again

Second Issys post. I bought a black jacket last Autumn, £15 in sale, not my usual style but I feel fantastic in it.

always wear good matching underwear. also nice nightwear. never wear a white bra under a white tshirt - always nude. or lacy underwear under a tight top.
always wear good fitted clothes - never too tight. better to be a bit on the loose side.
always wear nice shoes/boots and always polished.
get a nice, stylish, fitted coat
always wear perfume and deodorant.
always have a nice hair cut and professional colour (not a diy jobby) if needed. keep it up regularly. nothing worse than split ends and 4 inch roots. professional hair products are nice although i do like the new hair shampoo bar that lush do and organic products because i find the lack of chemicals in it makes my hair look better.
never go out with out styled hair - a quick brush through is fine if that's all your hair needs. hairspray is great for stopping it going frizzy. it creates a barrier between the hair and any humidity in the air.
if you want straight hair buy a pair of GHDs or babyliss pro elegance straighteners. chemically straightening is actually better for your hair than using straighteners every day but then you don't have the option to go curly if you want.
dry brush your skin upwards using a body brush in the shower. it boosts circulation.
use a nice face, eye, hand and body moisturiser twice a day - and don't forget your neck.
use a good cleanser and toner twice a day. make sure the toner is a natural one cos some are very harsh on the skin.
accessorise with jewellery (matching earrings and necklace and a bracelet and pretty or funky ring), belts, scarves, gloves (leather ones are good), bags etc. a stylish hat is good in winter and for BHD's.
little bit of concealer, lipbalm/vaseline, lippy, gloss, cream blusher, highlighter eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara goes a long way. red/pink/plum tinted lipgloss or lipstick makes your teeth look whiter than beige/coral/orangey tones. powder make up makes you look older imo but strangely this doesn't apply to mineral make up. wear foundation if your skin suits it. mineral foundation can be good for those with spots or wrinkles and can be mixed with moisturiser for slightly heavier coverage.
for a lighter base mix your foundation with moisturiser. better than tinted moisturiser imo.
reapply makeup in the afternoon and lipstick throughout the day. try and apply make up in natural light.
heated eyelash curlers are a godsend.
always have painted finger/toe nails. go for a manicure and pedicure regularly or diy. use cuticle oil every day.
get your eyebrows threaded for the best shape.
get your eyelashes tinted and permed. get your eyebrows tinted or use an eyebrow pencil if you have a lot of those invisible hairs that aren't really sure where they are meant to be. if you have wild eyebrows use an eyebrow gel and brush to keep them in place.
shave arm pits every day in shower and also legs if you don't wax them.
use a face mask and exfoliate three times a week. use a more gentle exfoliator every day.
get a bixini wax and lip wax if needed.
make sure your teeth look nice. regular flossing, brushing and the occasional polish and whitening make all the difference.
drink lots of water. eat lots of fruit/veg.
get more sleep.
exercise every day even if it's only going for a walk.
don't wear trainers or tracksuit bottoms unless you are planning on doing any actual exercise. pumps/sneaker/converse type things can be ok.
never wear anything with a cartoon character on it.
no fleece, sweatshirts or crocs!!
never wear anything dirty or holey even if it is tiny. no bobbly clothes, missing buttons/buckles or fraying bits.

Issy, I liked your post with a summary of what makes a good winter wardrobe. what would you recommend for a good summer look?

Christ, nappy!

How do you find the time?

I feel exhausted just reading nappyaddicts list....

wow, Nappyaddict! fantastic tips! do you do all of them??

what is cuticle oil for?

would love to keep up nappyaddict...

i did love that grooming thread from a while back. Wish I could build up to that groomed but unlikely...

it doesn't really take any extra time. i just get up maybe an extra 20 mins earlier than if i didn't do it. make up takes 5 mins. straightening hairs 10 mins. do things like moisturising/shaving/exfoliating/face mask whilst in the bath or just after getting out so no extra time there - maybe just an extra 5 mins. using a cleanser and toner takes just the same time as washing with a bar of soap. choosing matching underwear over greying underwear or nicely fitting clothes over tight, bobbly, tatty clothes takes no more time. the things that are harder to fit in are going to get my hair and , eyelashes and eyebrows done. if i haven't got time to book in to get my eyelashes tinted, a wax or a pedicure then i do a diy jobby on a night in front of the tv.

dinny - cuticle oil softens and moisturisers the cuticle and nails so they don't become dry, brittle or peel off. also if you like to push back your cuticles it makes that easier.

I agree with everything Issy says - and Nappyaddict too, come to that, although I think the latter's advice might be too much for HaveToGetSexy to tackle all in one go
I run my own business, which involves getting women to help each other to feel more confident about their appearance (without splashing out a fortune on image consultants), so I guess I should chip in!
My bare essentials:

1. A great haircut - don't cut costs here.
2. Log on to littlewoods website and do the Trinny and Susannah questionnaire to find out the best styles for your bodyshape.
3. Go through your wardrobe with a friend and throw out the crap. Also, work out what colours look best on you.
4. Go shopping with a friend (not the kids) and buy clothes on the basis of steps two and three. TRY ALL KINDS OF THINGS ON! If you normally wear jeans and t-shirt, try dozens until you find the very best for you. Slowly build up your wardrobe on this basis and you know that whatever you pull on in the morning - even if you've been up all night with the kids - will make you look great. When you've been with a teething child in the wee small hours, you don't need a jumper that makes you look even more washed out! Also, by knowing your own style, you won't feel like you're trying to be something you're not.

5.Take time for yourself. Exercise if that's your thing. If not, take luxurious baths with lovely potions. (And keep shaving your legs etc!) You only have one life. You owe it to yourself to accept your body and be happy with it. You have given birth, so your body is miraculous. Imagine how it enables you to the feel of sun on your skin, ad the sensation of plunging into a cool pool. Or sliding into a warm bath. Or when you've been for a brisk walk. Our bodies are not 'perfect' but they're amazing. Play up your good bits and play down the rest! We're all in it together and just look at all the people who've responded to your post. We're all behind you. Don't underestimate the power of appearance - show the world what a confident, sassy, sexy, caring,funny, empathetic woman you really are.

Just a thought on mascara for a non make up wearer. I've recently started wearing it and feel it makes a huge difference BUT was originally put off by the difficulty of getting it off properly and feeling like I was dragging my skin around and still looking like a panda. I now use blinc mascara - life changing! www.blincuk.co.uk/index.php (oddly, I fuond it originally via the nitty gritty website!) I expect you can get it elsewhere too. It works a treat, looks really great and really does slide off with a little pressure and just water. Just a thought. First post, loved the thread, all great ideas. Thanks too to whichever mumsnetter recommended FlyLady a while ago on another thread, have found it really helpful, and with the appearance thing too.

Issy, this is great. Your body shape sounds a bit like mine - big norks (I'm now a 36E whopper - but given that I was pretty flat chested for most of my life, I'm relishing the cleavage) but my legs need to stay out of sight at all times, and I do have a bit of a belly.

the shoe thing always gets me... I need foot comfort, but even a small heel gets me feeling uncomfortable

NappyAddict, thanks for making it sound easier - I must say i was in total awe at your initial post..

plus Joe Cool, thanks for the uplifting thought

time4tea - if you don't do a lot of my list i would recommend starting a few things each week and building it up rather than trying to do it all in one go.

20 minutes a day of yoga/pilates and sheer cover mineral foundation-the exercise makes you feel almost instantly about a stone lighter through toning and the makeup looks very natural but radiant!!

Hi Needto - I got in a bit of a rut recently - can definitely identify with your op - I'm 44 and was a bit tubby/flabby and hadn't bought any new clothes for over a year because I was economising/felt too fat/couldn't be bothered.

Decided to follow a walking plan over Lent that I read about in a women's magazine. It basically just meant that I went out to a nice leafy place (or when that wasn't possible I tramped along pavements) and walked briskly for 25 mins- 35 mins every day. (see moonwalkers thread where we support one another)

I also gave up coffee and alchohol and cakes/biscuits/sweets etc but allowed myself a break/treat on a Sunday, followed an eating plan that wasn't a diet but involved lots of veg and fruit and oily fish and loads of water. I also tried to get to bed earlier and treated myself to the odd candle-lit bath. (there's another support thread on Mnsnet for healthy eating I think)

I recorded my progress every day - wrote down what I ate for eg - and ticked off my walking plan - tried not to be too 'down on myself' and perfectionist about it - dd got ill - I got the flu - so I just tried to do what was possible - ie I didn't let any failures put me off (as I usually do!!).

For every week I completed the plan I bought myself a new item of make-up.

I only lost a few kilos but it has started the ball rolling. Going to bed earlier/drinking more water helped my skin alot and the walking improved my mood, gave me back my zest for life. All I'm trying to say is low cost/little changes can make a big difference to your confidence.

The new clothes/manicures can then follow on after that ...

Another good tip I got from a friend is (however dire the rest of one's wardrobe) to ALWAYS have a going-out outfit for winter and summer assembled: from underwear, skirt & top or dress right through to shrug, scarf, shoes, jewellery, scarves, bag, whatever etc (doesn't have to be expensive, just has to suit you). That way, you don't get in a panic when you receive an invitation to go out - you don't have that "oh god I've got to find a whole outfit in two hours" feeling and you always have ONE outfit that you know you look good in.

Oh and agree with others about a really good bra being essential!!

Please don't be worried about making changes. Honestly - people will notice when you make positive steps and will complement you for taking charge of your life. That's the OPPOSITE of being pathetic! Go for it!! And get some support either on-line or from a girlfriend. It makes all the difference! Good luck!

i am a mum of 3 boys ages 9 8 and 6 im only 26 and i have never let myself go after having my boys i may only be young but i still find the time to do my hair put on make up and dress smart i may be a bit over weight but that will never stop me i would say to people if you look good on the outside it should make you fill good on the inside i know that dont help most people but hay stop crying about it and get out into the world you only live once and one other thing just be your self