Help! What's your (style) excuse? Feeling low.

[NewYearNewNi]

I'm 38, and recently become more and more obsessed with stylish "next door" type women from late 90s-00s films.

My best example are women like Mary from There's Something About Mary, and even the women from Sex and The City. I have other examples too, I was watching Beverly Hills Ninja today and was mesmerised by Nicolette Sheridan. Obviously they're incredibly beautiful. But something about how they go about their every day lives looking great, like they've made a real effort but not ott. I'm actually embarrassed of photos or bumping into someone from school, for example (not that I ever would because I moved away).

For women like that, how do you do it? How can you be bothered? Ignoring Hollywood looks, they all make the effort to get dressed everyday, do hair and makeup and look NICE. How do you motivate yourself? How do you decide "i'll make an effort now (e.g. going to the pub), but not later (e.g. going to sainsbury)". How do you balance the input cost (time/effort) with reward (e.g. looking nice in your local town)?

I work from home, live in a tiny town and struggle to get out my tracksuit. I'm in a very comfortable relationship and have a full-on career. I don't "do much" for fun, just basic going to the local pub, or looking round my small town. I don't think it helps that my hair is super frizzy, so takes at least 45 minutes to look nice. I also wear glasses (I'm extremely short sighted, think -12), so look terrible in glasses due to the distortion/refraction the lens cases to my face. I always make an effort if I'm going out with friends or to London, for example. But that happens once a year.

I feel my youth slipping away. But also can't justify spending 1 hour getting ready to go to the market on the weekend. I look like shit 24/7. I know how to look nice, but it never feels worth it - mini dress and heels for Waitrose in the cold.

I also struggle with the feeling that my life is super boring and mundane. I've convinced myself that "that's life". Maybe it isn't. I don't know. I'm just existing, working and paying bills.

If I confide in my friends and family I seem ungrateful because I have a good job, and they the "mundane" it's normal. And be grateful for what i have. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis, but it feels a long time coming.

I think you can go one of 3 ways OP

1. spend time and money on looking very sleek and groomed - probably plenty of hacks if that’s what you’re into
2. derive your self worth and therefore inner beauty from finding a purpose in life - something that lights you up from the inside
3. don’t give a fuck

I’m somewhere between 2 and 3 but at this time of year when there are places to go I tend to fret about option 1

Money helps.

I know women who have weekly or twice weekly blowdries and twice yearly keratin treatments etc.

I time my hair washes to happen after my sweatiest exercise sessions so I'm only washing and styling my hair a couple of times a week. At the weekends I stick in in a claw clip

I worked out that the minimum that makes me look better is concealer round my eyes, and mascara. If I have a little more time I can add tight liner and/or tinted moisturiser then cream lip and cheek colour more or less blind.

I look better in a proper bra.

I look better if I chuck a smart coat over the top and out a scarf on.

I look better in colour.

What works for you? What makes you feel more put together?

(Without the hair and make up team of a Hollywood film)

I would also think that it's too long, taking an hour to get to a point of finding my appearance acceptable.

With regards to your hair, i think you need to find what works for it. Mine's frizzy but lots of recommendations didn't help. What I've found is that 24 hrs after a wash it starts to calm down and then i can go without washing for 5 days or so. The cut makes this look intentional.

With regard to your wardrobe, can you get rid of all the things that make you feel disappointed when you look in the mirror? It took the pandemic for me to identify what was both comfortable and looked like an intentional outfit.

Have you tried a silk pillow case for your hair? And maybe the curly girl method for your hair type? Or a conditioner only wash every other wash?

I've lost my style mojo at the same age as you - I'm currently working on my skin care. So tanning drops, a hydrating serum and drinking water. I'm trying to eat a varied diet (oily fish, leafy veg).

Maybe start with good basics- or do some style quizzes to figure out what works for the life you have?

Im struggling with postpartum body shape changes so I'm ignoring clothing for now, just neutral basics and I'm trying to find a nice winter coat: mission impossible it would seem.

Remember that the women you are looking at in films aren't real. It's taken hours in makeup and wardrobe planning, to get the look you admire. It isn't natural or without serious effort.
If you saw them in their normal lives, going to the shops, they'd look a lot less amazing.

That said, I think the women who do look good most of the time, have hit on a good haircut and a clothing style that suits them, which they stick to and don't have to think about every day. And getting the basics right, so nice skin and good dentistry.

I am someone very much in favour of WFH. I work better at home. It allows me to be flexible with childcare etc. But I do also think it's done a number on my self esteem and confidence.

Earlier this year, I was like you, no make up, hair scrapped back, and living in comfy but scruffy clothes. I had to start going into the office one day a week and noticed I felt so much better those days. Getting dressed up and making an effort gave me so much more confidence.

I make more of an effort now and my motivation is simply that it makes me feel better when I do. I feel better with make up on, smarter clothes and hair done. It's not OTT. Basic make up of foundation, mascara and blusher. It takes about 20 minutes. I either straighten my hair the night before or wet it and curl it in the morning. That's another 20 minutes. I still wear things like jumpers and jeans, but go for smarter and fitted styles and wear them with boots instead of trainers. I paint my own nails once a week (Sally Hansen Miracle gel lasts ages) and do my roots myself every 4 weeks.

I go into the office one day a week. The rest of the time I just go out on the school run or supermarket and take the kids out on the weekend. Sometimes I do feel like making the effort is a bit pointless. But I like how I look better in the mirror when I make the effort. So I am prepared to make the effort for myself.

I can relate to this in that I have a pretty casual lifestyle and not much to really dress up for. If no one is going to see me, why would I spend ages dolling myself up?

But I'm interested in style and beauty and it makes me feel better so I do tend to make the effort most days. Not a lot but making sure my hair and make up looks nice and I have a put together outfit. It does get harder when I am literally not leaving the house as I don't have a lot of very casual clothes. Very casual clothes like trackie bottoms and trainers make me feel very scruffy and out of sorts.

They do say that your wardrobe should reflect your lifestyle so there's nothing wrong with what you're doing but I guess maybe you could look at nicer versions of your current things, eg you could have one or more new pairs of glasses of different styles/colours or scarves or bags. I think coats and shoes are really important especially at this time of year when that's often all people really see or notice.

I also think often it's not necessarily about the clothes, but how they are put together. There are loads of fashion people on Insta and YouTube demonstrating this. So you don't just throw on a t shirt and jeans, you make sure they are well fitting, there's a belt, you've done a half tuck etc. The same clothes can then look a bit different depending on how they are styled, shirts are especially useful for this. It's taken a long time for me to pick up on the subtle details that really make an outfit.

Hair is tricky, could you grow it out and tie it down in some way? Often that makes it look like you've made an effort when you haven't really.

I think it’s about finding what works for you, your lifestyle, and your time. A mini dress and heels and spending an hour on makeup is NOT my vibe, but I look (I hope!) stylish and put together, and like “me”.

I have a “signature look” of sharp bobbed hair and red lipstick. Makeup takes me five minutes. I work in a creative-ish field so can get away with most things for work - jeans are fine, but things like leggings and tracksuits I would only wear knocking about at home. Today I was in a cream oversized Arket knit, brown Hush cords, cream NB trainers and gold hoop earrings, layered gold chains. Maybe not for everyone but comfy and I felt nice - what’s your equivalent?

I don’t get much done in the way of salon treatments but my non-negotiables are hair trimmed every four weeks, eyebrows waxed every three. I do my own nails, tint my own brows and lashes.

You just don’t even OWN clothes that look bad and sloppy. You have a wardrobe of stuff that looks nice, is easy to put together and in colours that suit you. Loungewear is scrunched in an ottoman never to leave the house.

It shouldn’t take an hour to get ready. what are you doing?

I pull on clothes
smear bb cream on face
put hair in bun or low pony
put in earrings
perfume and lip balm.

5 minutes.

People will come along better equipped to advise you on curly hair, but so much of what you’re saying is about clothes and overall style.

It takes as much time
to chuck on jeans and a t shirt in a happy colour for you with a blazer as it does to chuck on a tracksuit.

The 40 minutes I spend getting ready in the morning are an investment in myself and a non-negotiable.

You are talking about actresses as role models. Obviously they have a huge investment in appearance, and all the energy and expertise of the team that gets them ready.

People quite often raise this point about how to be more stylish etc on here and there are lots of replies with advice.

I am the complete opposite, I lead a very non-eventful life but I just love getting ready and putting on make up and perfume and beautiful clothes and do so almost everyday for no purpose other than to please myself.

Never understand in the questions where people ask 'is this too dressy for a country pub meal?' because I am always too dressy. And it gives me great pleasure

Do a home keratin treatment (Brazilian blowdry from Amazon) Iron, or pay to have ironed, some good quality cotton shirts. Get fashion forward jeans with boots/trainers. Wear some jewellery.

I put time, effort and money into the things I enjoy and take a minimal approach to the rest.

In my case, the two priorities are clothes and glasses. I adore clothes and spend ages putting outfits together in my head - but it doesn't feel like work.

Because, like you, I'm very short sighted and can't wear contacts, my next priority is finding framesI like. I'll probably need new ones this year and it'll most likely take me a couple of months to choose frames. It'll also clean me out financially, but it's worth it as I wear them every waking moment.

I'm less interested in hair but vain enough to want it to look half decent, It's wavy, frizzes easily and I have no intention of fighting it. I guess I'm lucky in having a hairdresser who gets that and who understands wavy hair. i have it cut every 6 weeks into a style that best brings out the curl - it did take a while to find it - and in between cuts I wash and go.

I have very little interest in make up and grooming so I follow a minimal regime. The only make I wear regularly is lipstick, which I do like because it really changes how I look and yet only takes seconds to apply.

That's a long winded way of saying you don't have to do it all, or even any of it if you don't want to. Some people aren't into clothes but enjoy skin care or doing their nails. Or if you don't enjoy any of it, don't do it, none of it's compulsory and I'm sure you look absolutely fine as you are

Oh and stop comparing yourself to Cameron Diaz!

There are loads of comfy trouser options that will get you out of your tracksuit. Keep it simple or it won't happen - cheat! Some stretchy waist soft trousers, decent but comfy boots, one bit of jewellery daily. A quick sweep of powder foundation and a bit of lip gloss. All that would be a good start, and if you want you can build up from there.

Personally I like glasses. You can deal with frizz, with a bit of trial and error to see what works for you, eg curly girl method, keratin treatment. Colour Wow Dreamcoat is meant to be amazing.

My top tips would be:

1. think about a comfortable but attractive daytime wardrobe for yourself which is as easy as a tracksuit. I like wide leg black jersey trousers and a soft drapy top in a colour that flatters. Also a smart coat. Throw the tracksuits away so you aren’t tempted to keep wearing them unless you are a gym bunny in which case reduce them in number and keep them in your gym bag not your wardrobe so they are out of sight out of mind.
2. what would make your hair easier to manage - maybe a professional straightening treatment or a weekly blow dry or mastering an easy updo?
3. Have your brows and lashes tinted once a month and make sure your glasses frames are flattering
4. Tinted moisturiser and lipstick will take seconds and combined with the tinted lashes will make you look more polished.

On a day to day basis this should all help and still give your some headway to push the boat out and glam up on nights out.

Comparing yourself unfavourably to fictional women is a form of self-harm!

Yes, there are women who take a huge amount of time, effort and money with their appearance. Presumably they have to sacrifice other things to do that. There may be some born lucky who 'scrub up well' with less effort.

But each woman has to find their sweet spot - where they feel good and don't care what anyone else thinks. Don't compare yourself to others, just work out what gives you a lift and do that more regularly.

For a revamp, I'd recommend
a trip to the hairdressers
professional eyebrow shape
teeth whitening

Health-wise
up your water intake (if needed)
vitamin D supplement in winter
daily smoothies (I use frozen spinach and carrot as a base, and always add a tablespoon of flaxseed oil)
small amount of daily exercise (e.g. a quick Youtube yoga routine)

Wow! Blown away by all the responses and suggestions. Everyone has been so kind and you have made me feel so much more hopeful about it all. I think I just need a good kick start to make some changes. All your replies have made me see "getting ready" doesn't have to be a big long chore.

@MargotMoon @friendlyflicka @LadyBird1973 Thank you for the reminder that the women are fictional. It definitely helps put things into perspective.

@MotherOfCatBoy I love this POV: I've been number 3 for a few years now, and perhaps would like to get back to number 2, with some number 1. I started genuinely not giving a fuck, but recently I've realised I do care.

@verdantverdure @Bakedcheesecake @TreesWelliesKnees @Floisme @sickbucket67 I really appreciate all the tips/cheats for making "getting ready" take less time. I'm not sure why it takes so much time, I do think I'm a bit slow in general at doing things.

I do think I could try and find a signature look, or understand the minimum i need for hair and make up.

I'm going to have a serious think about my hair, and whether a keratin treatment or following the curl girl method would work for me. I tried some of these in my 20s and didn't get on for various reasons, but I'm going to think again.

@TheOGCCL @Judystilldreamsofhorses @stardust777 @Katrinawaves @TheSuggestedAmendment I'm very overdue for a health and wardrobe revamp and trip to the hairdressers - even just for a good cut. I haven't been to the hairdressers for 18 months. I also think I could learn some hairstyles that are quicker to do but take less time.

I appreciate the practical advice about finding a good coat and bag, and getting rid of the clothes I don't feel good in. Understand what clothes suit me and I feel good if.

@peachgreen @Milkinthetray Loving the point of view that the time/energy/effort is an investment in me and I should just do it to feel better. In general, I feel I'm missing the self-love/self-care aspects of my life. I just feel I've been in "go mode" for so long, but you're right - why not invest in me.

"Getting rid of all the things that make you feel disappointed" this line hit hard! I realised 95% of my clothes make me feel disappointed. I actually have gone several years without buying new clothes and my shape has changed a lot in that time. Revamping my wardrobe with clothes I feel great in would be a big help.

It was a learning curve for me too@NewYearNewNi. It's made a big difference. I have things I'm really happy to wear when I'm lazing around home too, so it's not like I'm just being fancy all the time.

An interesting question! I am a similar age but generally feel fabulous in what I wear every day (others may disagree 😁 but it is how I feel that matters!)

I find it easy to motivate myself - though I can't remember the last time I took an hour to get ready. I think a part of how I perceive myself (even if this is entirely deluded!) is as pulled together/luxurious/chic and has been for as long as I remember. So putting on perfume and a bit of powder (if nothing else) every day is second nature. As is ensuring I see a dermatologist, wearing cashmere/silk/wool, slipping on sequins if I feel like it on a random day, wearing silk pyjamas, doing regular pilates and yoga, eating well, massaging in cuticle oil daily, wearing gold slippers which make me smile whenever I see them etc.

I like catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and being reminded that I am living the life I wanted. It also helps that I have no children and have both disposable income and time! And am back in the office 3-4 days a week - as a pretty senior woman in a male-dominated, traditional corporate environment, I love a bit of power dressing and am currently doing my best to channel Shiv Roy (her outfits only (!)). So I am in the habit of dressing up again, post-lockdowns.

Hmm, I am not sure how practically helpful this is to you, OP. I suppose... I get a lot of joy out of each day and deliberately try to do so: savouring my coffee, taking joy from the beauty of the buildings I see on my commute, popping to a museum in my lunch break, spending a few mins browsing mumsnet, taking myself to the cinema. Part of my daily joy is wearing beautiful things and catching glimpses of myself looking nice. So perhaps this does link back to your broader sense of your life as "mundane". What do you want your life to look/feel like? How do you get there? What should you prioritise? What role - if any - does your wardrobe etc play? What would such a wardrobe look like?

There’s no point to try to reinvent the wheel. If you wear tracksuits. Buy some very naice tracksuits as a starting point. Check out missfernandez_ on Instagram. She recommends very naice tracksuits. Recommend lezethelabel.

I think the hair is a big one. It’s so prominent in your self image as right there whenever you look at yourself. I would go on a 2024 mission to figure that out. I have frizzy curly hair too. There’s a moisture / protein/ porosity thing. I am not going to lie 10 years on I still don’t understand it fully but an awareness of it is essential! And that curly hair method is seriously not for everyone. My fair hates it. I have low porosity hair and I need silicones in my life. And two sets of shampoo/ conditioners. One protein free, one moisture heavy. It’s a fine balancing act I get right about 80% of the time.

To guarantee a good hair day I plait the night before. Let it dry naturally and unveil the last minute before necessary. That always works for me and get many compliments.