Was told I had grey hairs!

[sarahh96]

Just that really. I've got naturally light blonde hair and tend to wear it up. Was sitting with a relative the other day who suddenly pipped up, "I hope you don't mind me saying but you're going quite grey"
I have no problem at all with my hair greying but I just cannot fathom why she felt the need to point it out?
Was she trying to undermine me/knock my confidence/just being a bitch?
What was she trying to get out of it?
It's obvs rude but what was the psychological reason for bringing it up? Baffled!

She was doing all those things. I don't understand why people need to speak everything that comes into your head!!! People like that normally say things like that to make you feel bad and make her feel better about whenever insecurities she has.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to see this relative again!

Is she normally a knob? Or was she trying to bond over grey hair? Some people are just a bit clumsy.

@xyz111 I think you're right. She does have a lot of insecurities. I'm coming up to a big birthday so maybe she thought she'd have a little dig. I don't see her that often but when I do there's always a little dig about my appearance. She spends most of her time saying she'd love to see me, it's been too long etc but when I do go I get sniped out and ignored. It's weird!

@Seaside3 she has her hair coloured so not that. It is odd as I've known her most of my life, used to really look up to her, trusted her etc. in her old age she's turned into a massive knob!!!

@sarahh96 she clearly has her own agenda. Let her carry on, and next time don't sit close to her!

Some people seem to feel the need to put other people down in order to make themselves feel better.

I suppose that's what I don't understand really. How does putting another person down make you feel better? What sort of kick do you get out of that?
Maybe to make you feel insecure by yourself?
If that's her motive is very cruel. I've been through a lot. I'm quite proud of my quiet confidence now so to think she would intentionally try to knock me when she knows the things I've dealt with just makes me fucking angry

Sorry, meant "about yourself"

Whilst it's a slightly odd thing to say, I'm not sure why saying you're going grey is rude, it's just factual? Wouldn't bother me at all if someone pointed it out to me, it's not as if they're telling me something I don't already know!

But then DH is always telling me that I'm determined to see the best in everyone and that I should accept that some people are just rude or nasty.

There was no psychological reason. She simply thinks that making observations about changes in people's appearance is a normal conversation topic, while you don't.

Bit of a risky business making observations about changes in peoples' appearance though isn't it? She might think it normal, but other people might think she should mind her own business.

I never understand people like this very rude in my opinion. I had awful acne as a teen to young adult and was very clearly aware of every spot, that didn't stop someone at work pointing out a huge spot on my face. I was mortified and have never forgotten it. If I had this sort of thing again I would just say did you mean to be so rude?

You need to make damn sure you've got a very thick skin before you say what you see, with no filter!

I suppose that's what I don't understand really. How does putting another person down make you feel better? What sort of kick do you get out of that?

The reason you don't understand is that you're a kind person with empathy for other people and not a hurtful person like her.

I think it's a fear in her, probably a fear of aging. She can see you being unconcerned about a thing that terrifies her, something that she struggles against, and she can't help but say something.

I've just come back from holiday and there was a woman in the group who kept mentioning that she was the same clothes size as she was when she got married whenever I was in earshot (I'm overweight), or that she wouldn't have X (bread, dessert, a second helping, whatever it was that I was doing) in case she put on weight because she's the same size now as she was when she got married. It was obviously her consolation, she wasn't a particularly happy person, she was travelling by herself (I don't know whether she was divorced or widowed or something else) but in her world view at least she wasn't me so life wasn't all that bad. I couldn't have cared less and tucked into my dessert as though she hadn't spoken.

I think it was probably said to undermine your confidence and unless an opinion has been solicited it is best to keep your thoughts to yourself.

On a bit of a tangent, I remember my first visit to a new hair salon. I'd moved area and fancied a new style. The stylist suggested I might want to consider a colour because I had quite a lot of grey, which was a surprise to me. I said I hadn't noticed and asked what percentage was grey. She said 18%. I replied that 18% was remarkably precise whereupon she corrected me; I'd misheard 80%. No way I was 4/5ths grey and I don't understand why she'd have said that... unless to make more money.

She probably expects all women to feel a need to hide their grey hair by dyeing it, so perhaps she thought she was being 'kind' by pointing out something you hadn't noticed.
Like spinach in your teeth.
You could say 'yes I am, you've been grey for ages haven't you, such a bold choice with the shade of hair dye'.

I mean she could have just been pointing it out? If it’s round the back people aren’t always aware. It’s not necessarily rude, just factual. How you take it will depend on what she’s like generally.

Is it not more likely that she said stuff like this all the time, whether you were in earshot or not?

Is it not more likely that she said stuff like this all the time, whether you were in earshot or not?

Yes, absolutely, but it was noticeably tweaked to whatever I was doing that she wouldn't, eg having dessert or bread etc. I wasn't the only overweight person in the group and I wasn't always near enough for her to observe me so I expect that she couldn't help mentioning it every time any woman had dessert or whatever. Didn't do it to the men, even the very overweight ones.

Love my grey and take no notice of other's views on this particular issue, as I often think they are too fixated on a beauty industry's marketing narrative about grey hair making you look old, when I think a poor quality dye job or one that fights with their skin tone is far worse, but what I think is just that and it stays in, certainly is not blurted out! We are all entitled to our opinion and I often think that our early programming, via our parents, has a great deal to do with how we view things like hair and appearance, alongside people believing the bulls**t that is peddled to sell beauty products! You can change hair colour, learning to be tactful, mmmmm, not sure that can be fixed so easily!