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Original poster

Black tie - really?

47 replies

MerryMarigold · 27/10/2023 23:10

It's my niece's 16th coming up. The invitation says 'dresscode: black tie'. We are a family of 5 (3 male, 2 female) and precisely zero of us own any black tie attire.

What can we get away with wearing? Boys all have suits. Dd and I don't have anything - summer wedding outfit that's all. I'm not one to buy for one-offs. Oh, the venue is their house. What shall we do?

OP posts:
PurBal · 28/10/2023 07:20

They probably don’t mean black tie. They probably just mean “suits and sparkles”. The number of black tie events I’ve been to where DP is the only mug in a bow tie is ridiculous.

NigelFaragesTinyConscience · 28/10/2023 07:40

so fun to dress up

ebay
tkmaxx
hire a gown

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/10/2023 07:47

Hire a dress?

Ask around your friends?

I wouldn't like to buy something I'd never wear again no matter what the even.

Cheeesus · 28/10/2023 07:49

PurBal · 28/10/2023 07:20

They probably don’t mean black tie. They probably just mean “suits and sparkles”. The number of black tie events I’ve been to where DP is the only mug in a bow tie is ridiculous.

Yes, I’d interpret it as ‘evening wear’.

MuddlerInLaw · 28/10/2023 08:03

Gosh, this takes me back to the 80s, when amongst the people I knew at university it was usual for young women to be given a ballgown for their 18th birthdays, and young men a made to measure suit. Thus they were equipped for early adult life …

It’s not quite the same now - but I’d say part of your job as a parent is to prepare your children to navigate the world and feel at ease in every social circumstance. Your niece’s birthday do may only be the first of a decade or more of events where your children are invited or expected to dress up. School ‘proms’? Other parties? Freshers week and every club / society Christmas gathering at Uni? It isn’t the 80’s any more but you may be surprised at the number of such occasions they’ll encounter.

So this might be a good opportunity to start thinking about acquiring suitable clothes to take them into this stage of their lives. It isn’t pleasant to feel socially excluded for lack of clothes - and people don’t always know that it’s perfectly acceptable to buy from charity shops / Vinted / wherever until someone shows them.

Essentially, think less about your relationship with your SIL and more about showing your children how to have fun in unexpected sartorial situations!

CoffeeBean5 · 28/10/2023 08:27

I wouldn't bother buying anything new to attend a 16th birthday at her house. Just put the boys in suits (no need for tux or bow ties). You and dd could wear the summer wedding outfits you already own (depending on what they look like). Or you could look for dresses in the sales that you and dd would wear again. I would buy something new and spend more money on a dress for a black tie wedding, but definitely not for a teenager's birthday.

FoleyHuck · 28/10/2023 08:32

Like a PP I've been to many 'black tie' events (charity balls, white collar boxing, posh Christmas dos) where plenty of Men were in smart suits and ties, and plenty of Women were in cocktail length dresses.

I'd say suits for the boys and nice dresses for your and DD. Since it's a 16th birthday party in their house it's not like security are going to knock you back for not adhering to a dress code anyway!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 28/10/2023 09:16

Wear what you have, that’s all anyone should ask of you in this situation.

suits and cocktail dresses sound fine imo.

but I would also check with the parents, yes.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 28/10/2023 09:17

FoleyHuck · 28/10/2023 08:32

Like a PP I've been to many 'black tie' events (charity balls, white collar boxing, posh Christmas dos) where plenty of Men were in smart suits and ties, and plenty of Women were in cocktail length dresses.

I'd say suits for the boys and nice dresses for your and DD. Since it's a 16th birthday party in their house it's not like security are going to knock you back for not adhering to a dress code anyway!

I agree. The only issue I could see is the 16 yo or the parents (whoever organised this) being particularly invested in the dress code.

checking with the parents therefore couldn’t hurt…

Gardeningtime · 28/10/2023 09:21

I really doubt hour nieces birthday party dress code is all about you. That would be very extreme.

just put the boys in suits and wear a dress or trousers and a nice top. No one is going to chuck you out.

Gardeningtime · 28/10/2023 09:26

Op if it helps I suspect the daughter is wanting a prom type vibe and to get dressed up.

LaMarschallin · 28/10/2023 09:35

MuddlerInLaw

Gosh, this takes me back to the 80s, when amongst the people I knew at university it was usual for young women to be given a ballgown for their 18th birthdays, and young men a made to measure suit. Thus they were equipped for early adult life …

I was thinking this Smile

I didn't get a ball gown as I'd have felt obliged to wear the same thing over and over, but DH (DBF, then) had a dinner jacket (with added cummerbund from me and a white silk scarf from my parents) and a couple of dress shirts for his 19th.
He's very smug about it still fitting which is another reason I'm glad I didn't have a ball gown, as I suspect I'd have difficulty squeezing in to it these days...

CurlewKate · 28/10/2023 10:45

@Gingercreams "For what it's worth, tying a bow tie is not easy, go for the elasticated version"

Nooooo! Not a vampire!!!

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 29/10/2023 16:21

LovelyGreenCushions · 28/10/2023 06:23

Black tie is black dinner suits/tuxedos not any suit
Ladies floor length

Yes, I am aware. However, wondering if necessary!

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 29/10/2023 16:39

Gardeningtime · 28/10/2023 09:26

Op if it helps I suspect the daughter is wanting a prom type vibe and to get dressed up.

It's possible in a normal world. However, I know them very well and 100% this is SILs idea - even if it's not all about our family. (The house isn't large so I imagine about 30 max inc kids).

But that digresses from the real issue which is what we should all wear. Now I'm confused. Was already on Vinted for me and DD, though will need to be very careful it's not too fitted as sizing can vary so much.

But the boys don't have black suits and neither does my husband. Will a navy or grey suit and black bow tie look silly? Would it be better to wear a normal tie ?

(Not sure the PP who mentioned getting 3 DJ's in 3 different sizes in a charity shop has much idea of charity shop shopping! Yes, I use them a lot.)

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 29/10/2023 16:42

but I would also check with the parents, yes

I'll get DH to check with BIL. BIL is quite chilled about these kind of things. I'm sure he'll say 'wear whatever'.

OP posts:
GlamGiraffe · 29/10/2023 16:56

The boys could wear black trousers, white shirts and bow ties without jackets, men tend to take their jackets off at events so would look like that in general any way and it's far easier to achieve the look. Primark have always done cheap black suit trousers, bow ties and shirts which world all come in useful in future. Girls your daughters age tend to wear short dresses, (although some depending on the group do go all out on massive princess numbers), but just a short party ish dress she would Normally wear to a party with make up would do, option of some jewellery or hair. But something for yourself that's a nic, longer but not full length dress that you'll wear again from vinted or your preferred charity shop etc. Depending on the venue people go to varying levels with black- tie nowadays ime. For example military events and things like livery events will have much more formal levels of black tie than standard black tie because people are used to attending them and tend to own dinner wear rather than buying something they'll never wear again. Given its a home party id take it as flexible.

Mariandel · 29/10/2023 20:49

MerryMarigold · 29/10/2023 16:42

but I would also check with the parents, yes

I'll get DH to check with BIL. BIL is quite chilled about these kind of things. I'm sure he'll say 'wear whatever'.

Then why not check with your niece? It's her party , not your brother in law's

Ragwort · 29/10/2023 20:52

Charity shops are full of 'black tie' outfits as so few people wear them these days ... check out oxfam online or similar.

MuddlerInLaw · 30/10/2023 05:52

Isn’t it rather that everyone finds themselves needing a black tie outfit nowadays - but only once or twice, so they buy cheap and don’t keep? Chucked into the charity bag as soon as the school or Uni event is over.

I’d imagine you’re more likely to hold onto your black tie outfit if you’ve spent any significant amount on it and anticipate repeated wear.

MintJulia · 30/10/2023 06:11

Buy each of your boys a bow tie - not necessarily black, have some fun - to go with their suits, and then adults dress smartly.

Generally, 'black tie' means make an effort, pull out all the stops, especially for a teen party.

GettingStuffed · 30/10/2023 08:54

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