Please help me find "Me" again

[ScruffyButTrying]

I'm going to be 50 in a few months and I recently looked in the mirror and wondered where the fuck I'd gone.

Thanks to a mix of a seemingly endless string of major life stresses, lack of money and depression, somewhere along the line I've totally lost myself and become an overweight scruff with shapeless hair and shapeless shabby clothes and I've suddenly reached the point of realising this is not how I want to fucking live, or look.

So, I've started eating properly and I'm losing weight, booked a hair appointment, and I'm ready to sort my shit out. Woohoo! But I'm also feeling a bit overwhelmed and want to find my own style again but I'm not sure how.

I started by buying a beautiful vintage wine coloured velvet jacket on Vinted because I love velvet, courduroy, and lovely luxurious feeling textures when it comes to fabric. I also bought a lovely floaty blouse. I thought if I bought a couple of things I loved, I could start there and build around them. But now I'm a bit stuck. How do I create a wardrobe I love and get rid of all the shabby old crap I've been slobbing around in for all this time?

I suit browns and greens and oxblood red and muted soft colours rather than brights or pastels. I don't suit big patterns, they seem to overwhelm me. I like to be comfy. I've got big norks even when slim. I like floaty things but not baggy things because shapeless things make me look bigger, because they seem to hang off my tit shelf. 🤣 But at the moment I feel too self conscious to wear fitted things because I've been dressing to make myself completely invisible for years and it's a scary thought to make myself visible again even though that's what I want to do? Does that make sense to anyone?

I have a very limited budget, what with all the cost of living shit going on, so realistically I'm looking at Vinted and charity shops (and anyway, I like buying second hand for environmental reasons so I'm happy with that) so I'm after ideas more than anything. Or help with how to think of ideas myself!

Can anyone help? Thanks in advance.

Two threads that contain huge lists of wonderful, grown up clothes (to buy either new or pre-owned):

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/style_and_beauty/4281220-If-Monty-Don-was-a-woman?reply=108547018

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/style_and_beauty/4753001-can-we-talk-about-clothing-brands-and-target-demographics?reply=124994925

If you can take the time to browse both and click the links and explore the brands you should be able to identify a few ideas that might prompt some new shopping / styling. (Even if you don’t want to dress like a female Monty Don!)

But it needn’t be an instant fix. It’s fine to mix old and new / high and low / formal and loungewear. Your velvet jacket and floaty blouse sound gorgeous - very 70s!, so crying out for some well cut bell bottom trousers and slightly platform boots or t bar shoes?

The jacket sounds lovely :)

I'm in a similar position (late thirties, had child, put on weight, couldn't be arsed, lost my style) and I just went shopping crazy (vinted, facebook, etc). It hasn't helped. SO I've taken heed of lots of the threads on here and I've bought the Curated Closet book. First couple of steps are to take pictures of your outfits every day for 2 weeks, and start pinning/ saving lots of pictures that you like, see if you can identify and themes, things that make you feel good/ bad- don't worry about flattering, but about what you feel like you in. The first thing I'm noticing is that I need to ignore the boxy/ oversized trend, and I need to go for things that give me a clear waist. I also need to not buy boho/ vintage looking, and need to instead go for bold, kitsch prints.

What about you? The outfits that you reach for in a morning and don't feel good in, why? Would the trousers work for you if you had a more fitted/ loose/ print top on? Would you like the top you were wearing if it was a more luxurious fabric? Do you like your silhouette in a kaftan dress?

My first reading from what you wrote is that you like an elegant, graceful silhouette, and you like texture, and that you feel like you need a waist in your outfits to define your top half. Can you have a rummage through your wardrobe and see if you have any bottoms that you do feel nice in, that will go with your new top? Or a dress for the new blazer you have? It sounds like a fine knit fit and flare dress might look lovely for Autumn.

@Gruelle and @anon2022anon thank you both SO much, that is incredibly helpful!

I will definitely do as suggested and look at those threads and explore the brands to get some inspiration. I think some of my problem is that if I wander down the high street (in person or online) I don't see what I'm hoping to see. Even though I don't actually know exactly what I'm hoping to see. I just know that isn't it. 🤣

And @anon2022anon I realised when I was reading your post that I want it actually care again what I'm wearing and what it looks like, and enjoy doing that. At the moment I just throw on any old thing that still fits and wear the same things constantly, because they're easy and I don't have to think about it. I realised with food that I was just eating mindlessly instead of actually thinking about what I was eating and if it was good for me (physically and mentally) and maybe that's also exactly what I'm doing with my appearance too and need to take the same approach with my clothes!

Ah - @anon2022anon, you’re too young to have lived through late 60s / early 70s Top of the Pops, Glam Rock styling! I would never dream of putting a velvet jacket with a dress - it’s meant to be part of a far more louche outfit.

I am your age, recently lost a stone-though I do not have big norks- and am putting together a new wardrobe. I need a defined waist. The oversized, baggy fashions of the moment do not work for me, so I have just decided to be unfashionable and buy what suits me. I suit very simple shapes and no fussy florals.

I am buying a pair of M and S corduroy trousers and had also been eying this cord dress on Brora which would suit me. Corduroy Shirt Dress in Claret | Women's Dresses | Brora (broraonline.com) Except it's out of stock. But that kind of thing. Also I go to charity shops.

@ScruffyButTrying - in terms of diet, the things that have really made a difference in my own life have been a weekly veg box, (if you’re not growing most of your own) and Hodmedod’s. I never was much of a processed or takeaway food fan, but when your cupboards and fridge are full of fruit / veg / wholefood it’s incredibly easy not to eat rubbish.

I love that dress! Gorgeous colour. Yes, I'm aiming for stylish rather than fashionable. At the moment I'm about as far away from both as it's possible to be.

I used to wear clothes that were relatively fitted but I'm self conscious about my weight at the moment, especially my tummy/middle, so I end up just wearing shapeless t shirts that do nothing for me. But I'm hoping that as I lose more weight, that will change.

I think it might help that we're heading into autumn. I'm much happier dressing for autumn and winter than for summer. I love all the autumnal colours and fabrics.

@Gruelle No, unfortunately, I didn't get to see those great fashions! But my suggestion is based on what I would try it with- I know that I've got a not nearly so nice velvet blazer in the cupboard (actually in the sell pile for winter), but every time I try it on with some lovely cord trousers, or a floaty blouse, I feel like I'm playing dressing up. The one time I've wore it and managed to feel like me was with a midi knitted dress, tights and boots, I didn't feel so lost in it. I wish I could carry off floaty fashions, but it's just not me!

@ScruffyButTrying If you're anything like me, it's not that you don't care what you look like, but when your figure changed, what you did usually go for didn't flatter any more, but instead of trying to adapt, you just decided to go oversized and cover up. It's absolutely horrible to look in your wardrobe, pick up everything, and put it back again because it just doesn't suit your mood or how you're feeling, or because you feel it clings to the wrong bit, or waffs around too much, and nothing is right. So you just put on comfy stuff again.

I honestly think the first step is often just to find an outfit from your wardrobe, one outfit, that you put on and feel like you in. Once you've done it once, and almost certainly will get a comment from someone that you look nice that day (confidence is what draws that in!), it means the next day it gives you a little bit more inspiration to go look in your wardrobe again, or try to find something new to go with the trousers you love. The high street isn't what will help you here, you can definitely shop your wardrobe and then vinted.

I have a similar dress to that cord one from Tu, if you're on a budget they do autumn designs really well usually I find.

I am carrying all my excess weight around my tum. I still find that a nipped in or cinched in waist helps. Baggy tshirts make me look bigger. I am avoiding tees at the moment to be honest! I recently also bought this jumpsuit.Colonel Bamboo V-Neck Dashka Jumpsuit (wearethought.com) which is quite flattering. Thought is good for reasonably priced clothes- especiallly in the sales- in soft, natural fabrics.

@anon2022anon That is exactly what has happened. Either things don't fit me at all any more or they hang differently, and everything makes me feel fat and old so I just put comfy "don't look at me" clothes on and hide in them.

I have a Tu shirtdress. It's in a soft lightweight cotton indigo denim. It's similar to the Brora one and definitely doesn't look like something I bought from a supermarket. It's a few years old now but I still love it.

A few inspirational online places that may or may not have been mentioned in either of the threads above. (Ignoring prices as presume you’ll be looking for pre-owned.)

https://hereustudio.com/

https://kimhekim.com/

https://www.massimoalba.com/en-uk

https://petarpetrov.com/

https://rendez-vous-store.com/

https://teurnstudios.com/collections/shop

https://wendynicholnyc.com/

All the above should do something to help you feel confident and optimistic about dressing at 50!

Well @anon2022anon and @KirstenBlest I just went on Tu and bought this cord dress. Buy Green Corduroy Shirt Dress - 12 | Dresses | Tu (sainsburys.co.uk) Not at all sure about the colour- bit pale?- and the poufy sleeves, but thought I would give it a try and send back if not suitable.

@BansheeofInisherin well for that price, you may as well try! Tu is definitely the best of the supermarket crop IMO.

@Gruelle do you have any ideas of places for inspiration for a fitted silhouette, bold colours and statement prints please? I struggle to find what I look for, as a lot of inspirational places tend to focus on a more oversized look IMO, which isn't me. An example of what I like would be a kimono style dress in a bright colour, a jumpsuit with a waist and a print, wide leg cullottes with a fitted top. I struggle for inspiration for the top half particularly.

Exactly, I might as well try. I have never bought anything from Tu, but I see quite a lot of stuff on there that I like in pure cotton and cord.

I do think at this age and with this body, I need to try on and send back a lot.

Hi OP, I don't have suggestions for clothes I'm afraid, but just wanted to suggest weight training if you are wanting to lose weight and are not happy with your shape.

I know it seems daunting, but it can be a brilliant way to build strength and muscle (not like a bodybuilder), especially for women around your age it can also help to protect your bones and help prevent against future osteoporosis.

There are some brilliant women on youtube in their 50's and beyond doing at home workouts. All you need is a few pairs of hand weights.