Should I dye, cut or run away from this hair stylist?

[GoldenGumballs]

I’ve just returned from my holidays where I have been having a massive wobble about my grown out grey/white hair. I’m 55 and grew my dark brunette hair out 4 years ago. I’ve had plenty of compliments ( except close family who think I have lost the plot) and have felt freedom from the 2 weekly root touch ups. On holiday I have felt really unkempt and one man said I was brave diving in cold sea ‘when you’re older than me’ he was at least 65! But after much deliberation I decided to try to get a really good cut and maybe a fringe cutting in to give it some style. So I braved a local swish salon and the 1st thing she asked what what would you like doing..a colour? So I’ve booked the appointment for a cut but have come home so upset that again my hair seems to offend. I just want to look my best but I’m feeling the pressure from myself and others to colour again. I don’t have much confidence and sad to say opinions knock me for six.

A colour could have meant a funky lavender rinse or a toner to make the silver shade pop more. Or if your hair is in the growing out stage still, the hairdresser may have thought you usually had a dye and now it has grown out.

She did not say ‘your hair is shite and you look old’. She said (paraphrased) ‘are you booked in for a colour today?’. Hairdressers may not know who is exactly in for cut/colour/blow dry unless the service is paid up front. The booking system is often just time slot based. They see so many people and charge after the session.

Book another appointment with a different stylist for a consultation and let them know that you are embracing grey so there is no room for confusion.

I’m really sorry that you feel so sensitive about this, but the hairdresser did not express a negative opinion on your hair at all!!

I know I’m not blaming the stylist it was just really bad timing when I was at my lowest. I only popped in to book the appt so it was the 1st time they had seen me. My hair is very well established fully grown out grey. Just wondered why colour was the 1st thing mentioned.

Mine is growing out grey , more at the front but allover I had silver highlights as it progressed rather than the white roots (so I could get away with not dyeing)

My DBro said "Are you keeping your hair like that" , not in a Shit Sis you lookin' old girl way but I guess he was used to seeing me with dyed hair .

DD is relieved she doesn't have to help me .

I do sometimes think about dye but I reckon it'd look really false now .

By silver highlights I mean natural , not dyed

I bet your hair looks great! Have you tried those shampoos to make grey hair all shiny?

I'm loathe to accept my new greys but will be shifting to blonde/ grey and dyeing some blonde in to look less scraggy. Like PPs say, you could put toner in or equally some blonde? If you feel unkempt and would prefer it. Only then

My hair has no greys and when I go to the salon they always ask if I've thought about getting it coloured. It's an upsell, like how they ask if you want a treatment.

It was the first thing she asked because colour is time-consuming and would affect when your appointment could be scheduled. It will have been absolutely no comment on how your hair looks.

Like pale blonde, grey hair does really benefit from a toner to prevent yellowing and add gloss so this is worth considering.

Thanks for your replies.
70isaLimitNotaTarget yes you’re right it would look fake if I dyed it now and groan the every 10day root touch ups. It’s very bright white at the front and more steely towards the back. I just kept it in a pony tail last week which didn’t help as the lack of pigment can make me look quite bald when the sun shines on it. I think I will go back to the stylist for a good cut with a fringe as that may help forehead matters! I will have a chat about making the best of my natural colour. I do use various brightening shampoos and bleach london when I want a bit of pink. I’m feeling more positive this morning. It’s the 1st big wobble in 4 years as it takes some getting used to from being a dark black/brown brunette to being the brightest head in the room 😂

I grew out my grey a few years ago and have to admit that I hated going to high street salons because I always felt their default seemed to be to think I should dye it.

If asked I would firmly say 'no I like it like this' but I found myself steeling myself for the conversation every bloody time I went. I now get my hair cut at home and dread the day I have to return to a salon. It might just be my own paranoia of course ...

A good and regular cut makes a lot of difference so I'd focus on that. And if you're brave, a splash of colour in grey can look great!

I mean this is classic sexism. Women should look as young as possible (otherwise what is the point of them) and grey/white hair isn’t allowed. So it’s way more about society’s ideals than how objectively you look. I wouldn’t be dying it again now, it will look harsh and just be a nightmare to maintain. Do you wear lipstick? I think that lifts grey/white hair.

WobblyLondoner I may just do this and get a mobile hairdresser. Let see how this appt goes. I wish hair stylists would positively accept natural colour but like previous poster said it’s good business to keep clients in a colouring loop.

TheOGCCL I think you’re right. It’s hard when I’m feeling down and feel like I should conform to societal pressure. When I’m feeling strong I don’t care what others expect, I just wear my brightest lipstick and hold my very sparkly head high ( yes love bright & bold lipstick)

Your hair looks fine as it is! My friend has similar whiteish hair. It is all over so no patches of grey. She does not go to the hairdresser and even cuts it herself. I would say, personally, if your hair is white or grey to make sure you get a decent cut (even if you have long hair). as it looks awful when all straggly. My friend has it just to her shoulders and although you cannot really call it a style I suppose the nearest is a long bob!

Your hair looks beautiful as it is!

A good cut can do wonders but I really wouldn't colour it when it is such a lovely pure colour like that.

I gave up colouring mine (except bleaching out sections for postbox red streaks some Christmases!🤣🤶) and have a lot of salt in my salt and pepper look as a relatively dark brunette naturally.

Your hair looks great and it's a lovely colour.

I think the salons must make a higher profit on colour treatments, since they always ask me if I want one even though I never have in years of going there.

OP I'm a few years behind you in age and amount of grey. A while ago I was having a major wobble with how I felt my greys were ageing me. I have a great hairdresser and she's practically begged me not to go back to dying it.

She worked with me and we talked about my clothing style, lifestyle, hair type, time I had to 'do' it etc and I came away with a great hair cut that has literally changed my life!

There are a lot of old lady haircuts out there, and lots of mad-looking women who have got stuck in the rut of scrape it back into a ponytail to hide the greys/unmanageable hair, but the right cut will seriously make a massive difference!

Don't colour it because you've got a lovely colour now.

It's society OP. Most women under about 70 dye their hair these days. So that man (and plenty of others) don't realise it's totally normal for a woman of 40+ to have a significant amount of grey or white hair. Meaning when they do see a woman who is fully grey she's assumed to be older than she is. Because dying hair is the norm for women that's the first thing the hairdresser mentioned because the most obvious thing about your hair is that it's grey. To an extent, everyone is a product of the society they've grown up in. Over time, as more women embrace the grey when younger, people will stop associating it with old age

I thought it was everyday ageism/sexism when I first read your post (and the first response really annoyed me, it's so condescending and gaslighting), and I'm not discounting that sexism/ageism that women aren't allowed to age plays a part here, because as a woman in my 30s I have NEVER been asked if I'm getting a colour by a hairdresser unless I've actually booked a colour and have turned up for that appointment. But having seen the photos, I just wanted to point out that a lot of women with grey hair have to bleach it and tone it to get the lovely even white colour you've naturally got, so that might be where the assumption you wanted a colour came from.

I've done similar and it is so empowering not having to dye and have roots

I did have some highlights and it made me look more polished but never going to have all over colour again

Your hair is fine

Wow! Your hair is an amazing colour.

Just beautiful.

Aw Thankyou all. I don’t know what I was expecting, probably to go and dye it! What I got was your encouragement and compliments which are received gratefully. I hope this is the beginning of my return to confidence.

I've always been asked if I want colour at the hairdressers despite the fact that my hair is naturally a nice colour that many people a spend fortune trying to replicate. I think it's just a hairdresser thing, doesn't everyone dye their hair?