Please help a distressed child with hair troubles

[LivingOnALilo]

DD14 is really upset with her hair; so much so, she’s already saying she won’t be returning to school until it’s sorted.

The issue is that it is so puffy; when wet, it spirals but only at the sides of her head (the rest of her hair is long and straight). Once dry, it then puffs out from the side, creating a mane effect. She can’t ever wear it loose, it has to be braided.

I’ve tried to reassure her but even I am at a loss because I don’t know why it happens. It’s impossible to tame and it’s really bothering her.

Can anyone suggest any ideas how to help it? She’s autistic and has sensory issues so long, expensive salon treatments are not possible.

We shampoo, condition and use heat protection spray with decent straightening irons but to no avail.

My daughter had the same issue , spiral curls in some parts , wavy in other parts and would puff up.

She has embraced the curly girl method . Washes hair , puts in leave in conditioner , wraps it in a t shirt and then puts cantu curl cream through it and it drys into loose curls all over . Key is absolutely no brushing .

I have encouraged her to see if will curl naturally but she does not want it to curl and is insisting it’s straight.

It does sound like her hair is naturally curly.

If the full curly girl method sounds too much ofnq change, you could start with washing only with conditioner (no shampoo or only once a week) and only ever brushing when wet.

I have similar hair from the sounds of it. Only thing that worked was a Brazilian keratin treatment, I did find the more I had, the less effective they became though.

I now have a pixie as I just couldn’t manage it. I tried curly girl but ended up with sopping wet t shirts and sopping wet hair, with no curls.

Why is she insisting it's straight when it's naturally curly?

Can you have a conversation with her about how that is unrealistic - and maybe look at some pictures of celebs/ beautiful people rocking curly hair?

Why does she have a negative perception of curly hair? - I think that's what you need to break down because if she can embrace it, it will be much easier to manage. A lot of people want hair that they just don't have - we have to work with what we've got - especially if she doesn't want/ can't sit through long treatments.

Get her to look at a few curly accounts on Instagram, Only Curls is great and their products work really well on hair that seems in-between but actually is very curly. Maybe take her to a curly hair specialist hairdresser if you can so they can cut it right and get her to see it's potential.

If you can get her on board with treating her hair well she will see the benefits, otherwise she's in for years of straightening hair that really doesn't want to be straightened and it'll show

@hylian She doesn’t have a negative view of curly hair; she’s insisting it’s straight because she can see it’s mostly straight. She has a very rigid way of thinking.

She also can not stand to have hair touching her face so that would be an issue with curls too.

Try ColourWow dream coat before straightening. It coats the hair to prevent damp or humidity causing “flyaway” hair.

Alternatively try French braiding and hair spraying in place or go for a pixie cut if dd can face regular hair cuts to maintain.

My dd is the same and must have straight hair. She has used WOW extra strength dream coat ultra moisturising anti frizz spray. Spray some on then blow dry then spray more on and use straighteners. She got it a few weeks ago and it really worked. Plan b was a Brazilian blow dry but she would have to sit in the hairdressers for 5 hours!

Oh it’s as @SmileyClare says it’s called colour wow in a silver bottle

My two children had really dry unmanageable hair- I used tres Semme moisturising shampoo, then conditioner, then would be chatting to them pretending was just detangling with my fingers I would use Shea moisture milk, tiny bit on hands and rub through, then an argen oil. Has made a huge amount of difference (if the issue is untameable and very very dry)

Ps something I’ve learned from my own hair is the more you fight with it, the worse it gets, I know this will be difficult to explain to your daughter, but trying to force into something it’s not is so much worse than looking after it but letting it be itself (but I learned this after 40 years so!!!)

My daughter used to have complete meltdowns over her hair. It was impossible to brush and she had no interest in embracing her curls. We tried everything from conditioners designed for black hair (tangles were a real problem, straighteners (took over an hour), permanent straightening (bloody expensive and not totally effective). Once she was old enough to manage her own hair she went for a bun on the top of her head and then later a pixie cut which she’s now had for several years and is the best solution really.

Does it puff all year round? My hair is a nightmare for frizz at the moment. I feel like a lion some days.

Could you try an anti-frizz serum? I've used Aussie ones (and more expensive ones) in the past to tame my puffy/frizzy hair.

Also don't brush when dry, in my case I have curly hair but I used to brush my curls out when I was a teenager and my hair was always puffy. Now a hairbrush doesn't go near my hair unless it's wet or I'm going to bed.

Thankyou for the tips. I’m going to pick up some of these products whilst in town. Anything is worth a try.

If she refuses to try a proper curly method then could you pay for her to have a keratin straightening treatment?

In the meantime get her to at least try a product like frizz ease curl mouse followed by "secret agent" to get rid of the fluffiness.

What kind of pixie works for you? I have similar hair, currently in a curly French bob, but would like to try something different as it's all too much hassle tbh

I have similar hair. Would she tolerate a pixie cut? I'm autistic and can't bear its touching my face either.

It's probably curly , what happens if you use curly products ?

You absolutely cannot fight the frizz if it is !

I look nowt like the model but I go for something like this normally. When it gets a bit longer (my hairdresser is away until October 🫣), it is more textured and I’ll sometimes leave it to dry naturally but put JVN (?) cream in so it doesn’t get too big!

It's not straight. If it was there wouldn't be any curl in it at all. The bits that are mostly straight are probably like that in part because they've been damaged by dry brushing and using straighteners.

Hair can also change with hormones. I had poker straight hair as a child, by the time I was 11 it was wavy and by 15 was full on curly. Her hair has probably been curling for years, unnoticed until now.

If you treat straight hair as if it was curly, it won't curl, if it's curly/wavy it will. If you treat curly/wavy hair as if it's straight, you get a frizzy mess.

If she wants poker straight hair she'll need a Japanese straightening treatment, basically the opposite to a curly hair perm. No idea if you can even get this in the UK.

So she's got 3 choices.
Carry on as she is, in denial, with bad hair. She could learn to French plait it to keep it tidy.
Embrace the curls, stop dry brushing, stop straightening.
Get a straightening treatment and tolerate the lengthy salon procedure for it (which will be every 3-4 months to sort out the new roots regrowth).

Would a short haircut help?

Also, try to stay away from silicones. Its coating the hair in plastic and stops it absorbing conditioner, it builds up over time. If you're using silicone you'll need a shampoo containing sulfates to wash it out. The most common silicones the word ends in "cone" "conal" "xane". A lot of products sold for curly hair contain silicone. The worst thing you can do is use silicone products then "wash" using only conditioner (I'm not a fan of so-called "co-washing" (conditioner only washing) anyway, I think it's bollocks, but others will swear by it). It'll leave the hair a mess and in poor condition if you do. If you think you already have a buildup of silicone use fairy liquid or one of the harsher sulfate shampoos to get it off, then do a deep conditioning treatment and start over again, checking the ingredients of your products to prevent recurrence.