Nothing to wear

[ViaRia01]

I’ve been in a bit of a rut for several years now and I wondered whether anyone out there has overcome a similar situation.

I’m mid-thirties. For quite some time now, I just constantly feel that I don’t have enough clothes/ the right clothes or that I don’t know how to put together an outfit and feel good.

I don’t think I have a lot of clothes, so that’s part of the problem. But I can’t seem to bring myself to buy much new because it never solves the problem. If I buy tops, I don’t have jumper or cardigan to layer it with. I buy a nice slouchy cardigan with the intention to wear it with a slip skirt, but it looks all lumpy and fumpy. My size changes so I need to buy new jeans and so I tend to just go for the same mid blue skinnies to replace what I had before as I think it is safest and it will “go with” what I have already.

if you’re buying, eg wide leg trousers online, it will show you an outfit on a model. This can be quite helpful but I can almost never afford to buy it all at once. And they only ever style clothes with stroppy sandals or pointed stilettos which I can’t wear… so I don’t know what footwear to wear it with.

white trainers (supposed to be ideal to wear with jeans, dresses, etc in casual days) and seem to look great and comfortable on other women, but mine just genuinely look scruffy. I think partly because they’re size 7 and I feel like they’re not dainty enough to wear with a floral dress. They’re Tommy Hilfiger with a sort of tennis shoe flat sole. Maybe they’re the wrong sort.

occasionally I do find something that will work well but then I seem to wear it out very quickly, presumably because it gets worn frequently and quickly starts to look a bit scruffy

I really don’t know where to start now. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom for me??!

1. Determine your size with a tape measure and check a shop's size guide for each garment
2. Make a list of all the clothes and shoes you wore so much and determine why: was it the fit? was it your lifestyle or weather forcing them to be worn so much?
3. If you are still in the same lifestyle and climate as the clothes you wore out, could you buy them again and buy in different colours? If a style worked for you, keep it.
4. Start an outfit by footwear. Spend the most on good shoes and bras.
5. Focus on your body shape rather than size and then find 'influencers' who have your body type (and colouring ideally too). Use social media (tiktok, YT, insta)
6. Make a shopping list of all the clothes gaps in your wardrobe, try making outfits based on what you have already and stick to 2-4 colours so you can mix and match
7. Buy for your current lifestyle and body
8. Be realistic about what sort of person you actually are rather than your fantasy self, if you'll never wear heels don't buy things that look better with heels
9. Get on Klarna or similar and order clothes to try with a full length mirror and good lighting but be disciplined about returns and keeping receipts until refunded.

There a several different things going on in your OP!

1. Your body. You say your size changes. Is that a one off or something you’re constantly contending with? If the latter, what’s the reason and us it something you could control, it not?

2. It sounds as if you’re sometimes forcing yourself into styles that you don’t actually like - and so have no confidence in. (I for instance have never bought white trainers to wear as regular footwear. No objection to other people wearing them, but they’re just not my style. Instead I buy footwear I actually want to wear.)

3. Something about visual receptiveness, that I’m not qualified to comment on. I think it may be that some people find it easy to filter out 99% of potential visual influences on what they buy, whereas it seems you’re searching through too much visual stuff in order to ‘solve a problem’ or get dressing ‘right’. So not surprisingly you might feel overwhelmed with unhelpful stimuli - like pointed stilettos!

I think - unhelpfully - you may have to learn to relax with regard to clothes. There is no right or wrong. Most of the coolest people I’ve ever seen wear mismatched clothes on ‘imperfect’ bodies. It’s fine.

Complete coincidence in the first two posts being numbered lists!

As I’ve got older I’ve started to realise that looking at other people and things on models isn’t the answer as their body shapes are different. I think it’s about working out what suits you, even if that then means you wear a version of the same outfit every day. For example I have short legs so I need to dress to disguise that, ie no heavy brogues cutting off my leg. There are plenty of methods and advice out there to help you work this out. You also already know the stuff that you do wear and feel right in so just do more of that.

Even if that means you don’t wear some things you might like to (I know people will say wear what you want but that doesn’t help you and the way you’re feeling). If you don’t feel right in the dress/trainer combo (I don’t ever wear this) then just don’t get involved in that trend. Wear your skinnies if you want, you can make them more modern with oversized shapes on top, like your slouchy cardigan.

The other thing I’d advise is, once you know what works, buying a bit better quality so it lasts. That’s not always a given but for example I could go out today and spend £6 on some gold hoop earrings, or £60 and the latter will be with me much longer.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read/ reply. Lots of useful comments and I will keep it all in mind.

You’re right, there is a lot going on here so no wonder it all feels quite overwhelming. My size changes a lot but I don’t feel that I have a particularly negative perception of my shape or size. I don’t mind what the size label says as long as the clothes look nice and feel comfortable. It all varies between shops anyway so I think it’s daft to focus on the number on the label.

I was a 10/12 in my 20’s and I did a bit of a healthy eating/ exercise regime and dropped to around 8. Sort of gave up on that and put weight back on, naturally. Since then it’s crept up and up very slowly. This is I think why I feel that my clothes are never quite right - I’m slowly getting bigger and also I am certain all my clothes keep shrinking in the wash too! During that time I’ve also had two children so of course keeping bigger in pregnancy and then slimming down in between. I’m three months post partum and size 14/16.

the thing about sizing though is that I still do not feel like a 16 (whatever that means). I feel like a 12. I think because it’s really only my tummy that needs the extra room. I’ve always had quite chunky thighs so trousers always one size bigger than the top half. Does that mean I’m a pear shape…?

Good idea to start with the footwear and build outfits from there. I actually love shoes but I have problem feet and so I’m a bit more limited to what styles feel comfortable/ look nice.

baby crying … will try to come back later

@MangoCreamPie i think “buy for your current body/ lifestyle “ is definitely good advice. I think that is what I’m trying to do but it’s something I will keep an eye on going forward and check myself if I start to stray into aspiration.

what do you mean about klarna? Isn’t that just a credit provider type of thing?

thank you !!

@MangoCreamPie we have such diametrically opposed approaches to dressing! For me there are so many areas of life where I have to be careful and meticulous and make lists and do ‘homework’. Getting dressed is one of the few areas where (finances aside) I feel completely free to act entirely on instinct.

Numbers 2, 3, 5 and 6 are completely alien to my shopping process. And where you say Be realistic about what sort of person you actually are rather than your fantasy self, if you'll never wear heels don't buy things that look better with heels - I would probably dismiss any assumption that the item I wanted ‘looked better’ with heels, and just wear it with whatever footwear I liked.

This inevitably means that if I passed you on the street I’d be wondering why I never look as impressively well put together as that woman!

@MarciaSaysANumber yes, I think responses Fromm opposite perspectives just goes to show that there is no “right way” to do this - it’s just about finding what works for you.

i am usually quite methodical, lists and plans, but I also have difficulty following through and completing things. So that’s at play here as well. Maybe it’s impatience.

I just think if I bought one thing every month I would still only have twelve pieces by the end of the year. Which is not much at all especially when you have to factor in footwear, outerwear, changing seasons, special occasions. AND my changing shape and size.

i just find it so hard and I am not really sure why.

I’ve tried personal shopping service, stitch fix, online, in store, big shopping trips, little and often, Pinterest, Whering app.

There’s certainly no longer any enjoyment left in it.