Self help for poor self image?

[pattipancake]

After reading a few current threads I am curious about self help methods for getting over poor self image. Like it seems many other women I picked up some very harsh, negative attitudes to my appearance as a child and teen. Even times when I probably looked ok I tended to fixate on the fact that my legs were too chunky or my hair was too frizzy or my big nose or bad skin. I grew up in the era of the waif and waif I am not so I was always desperate to be skinny that one term at uni I only ate an apple, a slice of toast with peanut butter and a cup a soup every day for weeks and and still only got down to 9 and half stone from 10 stone with my chunky legs intact!

I always have this vague you can't polish a turd feeling about myself which I also kind of know isn't true that I am actually quite pretty if I look at myself objectively. I always wanted more than one piercing in each earlobe but never did it because I felt doing so would draw attention to my "fat lobes" it is literally that crazy. It still puts me off trying to much though.

So what I am wondering about is any books or tips to overcome poor self image and to start making the best of myself, less how to look nice and more how not to only see the worst in myself?

I feel your pain. I’m trying hypnotherapy because I’m sick of it.

@LunaNorth Please let me know how you get on with it as it is something I have thought about but never actually done.

I'm looking at some self help books on amazon but not sure how effective they would be!

Do you have any idea what's at the root of it, because someone who had one or more parents demeaning your looks or having severe self esteem issues themselves will walk a different path than say someone who had relatively 'normal' parents but perhaps put a lot of emphasis on being a good girl and always pleasing others first, etc. which can have you internalising that external validation is more important than your own feelings about something.

It doesn't have to be rooted in childhood but just societal expectations and high beauty standards usually isn't that strong of an influence, but just an additional factor especially if you're in a place when you've got a bit of age to yourself and have accomplished things unrelated to your looks that you can be proud of, etc.

In the past the Beauty Myth was a frequent recommendation but since she's gone a bit crackers I'm not so sure, or that it's held up well in the modern age.

@botemp I think it is various things partly my mum wanting a mini me and me being nothing like her physically or personality wise I had frizzy curly hair she just didn't understand or like and wanted it to be straight and shiny like hers. I think she envisioned being able to dress me up how she liked as a sort of proxy of herself but I wasn't petite like her I was taller, had thicker thighs, a bigger bottom, wider hips and larger boobs and just looked wrong in the kind of things she bought for me and I felt very self conscious about my body, which she called obscene when I was 14.

I think also it was the era I grew up in I had totally the wrong body type for the 90s which was waif and heroin chic I was buxom a body type that became more en vouge with the rise of J-Lo and Beyonce but by that time I had internalised this idea that being thin and dainty was the most important thing.

When I started dating it was the same I was too big, too busty, features and face were too big and not small or delicate enough. I dressed in baggy clothing which made me look fat because if I wore anything fitted men would just stare, men in cars would beep their horns at me and shout as they drove past that sort of thing, not nice.

I don't think I was a good girl trying to please others so much because I kind of understood and accepted I was not like other girls ( a kind of delusion I know) and that I wasn't able to compete with them. I always did my own thing and hide my insecurity from others but it really affects how I see myself. I was just always so hard on myself, I just wanted to be someone else, someone beautiful. I just really rejected myself and that has led to poor self treatment so not exercising, not bothering to make the best of myself, disordered eating, weight gain and self loathing.

I have heard of the beauty myth and will check it out. The thing is I don't want to not care and just let it all hang out I want to be able to make the best of myself, to be my own kind of attractive and feel good / confident about how I look.

I think that ultimately I don't think it is possible for me so I just don't bother trying.

I could have written your post op!

I detest my face and can barely look at myself in the mirror without feeling self loathing. It can be consuming at times and really gets me down.

People will always reassure that I’m not ugly (but I still get the ‘well - you’ve got strong features’ comments).

I also go through phases of wanting to make the best of what I’ve got - but it doesn’t last long and end up back thinking ‘what’s the point’.

The irony is that I see beauty even in those who might not be considered conventionally attractive) … so I see beauty in pretty much everyone. Just never in myself.

I realise this doesn’t really help ypu OP. However, I have been told enough times that I probably need some sort of counselling about it to know that that’s probably just what’s needed. Apart from anything I think those close to me are fed up of me saying how disgusting my face is … it’s not fair on them.

So, hopefully there’ll be some suggestions as to what type of counselling would be useful for this kind of negative self image. I’ll look into the hypnotherapy suggestion too.

Sending hugs op 🤗

Only you will know what is appropriate but if these things bother you to a degree that it's affecting your relationship(s) or ability to have successful ones, your daily life, outlook, or actively stopping you from doing things you'd like to do then a professional is better suited than books (provided you have the financial means for it).

It does sound like you've built up a tough outer shell around you of, I don't care/why bother and that's a way to cope but it also stops other people from asking if you're okay because they just sort of assume you're fine or don't want to talk about it (or worse, don't have the patience to really listen), so it can be a lonely place. It is going to be down to you to take that first step to care about yourself and I don't mean that in a physical appearance type of way. There is great joy in clothes, makeup, exercising and all of that but not when it's something you feel that's required of you and any attempt at it is then going to feel halfhearted and potentially justify the why bother mindset. Even if it's baby steps, it's still a start, can be something as small that initially feels huge like not avoiding looking in mirrors.

I think we're similar age, I grew up at the tail end of the waif era, it was definitely an odd time, I don't think I know any woman my age who doesn't have some degree of disordered eating, myself included. When you think about it, it's rather ridiculous how much energy and thought is expended on something so basic to human function but it's probably the most complex to really tackle. It takes time, you'll stumble, you'll fall now and then and that's fine.

The Beauty Myth does somewhat cover that era so my previous concerns of it being outdated are maybe not that warranted after all from that perspective, just for a reminder of how bonkers it all was.