When you’ve lost your style

[Sunshineandbluesky]

I suppose this is a familiar story but I’d still appreciate ideas from people who love style and beauty.
I’m 52, 5ft 3, 10 1/2 stone, size 14. I have spent the majority of my adult life as a size 10. I know I’m lucky to be here and there is so much in my life that is good. However, I have lost ‘me’. Again a familiar story for a woman my age.
One of the things I’d like to regain is my love of clothes. I have far, far less to spend than I did when I was younger. I get a lot of enjoyment from how things look - furnishings, paintings, clothes etc. I love things that appeal to me visually.
I’m saying this because I know to many I may seem shallow, but it gives me enjoyment.
My shape is rectangular with a stomach that makes me a big size 14. Now I know that I can look lovely as a size 14, but because I don’t look like me, nothing looks or feels nice on me. And my wardrobe is empty.
I’m toying with the idea of living in just a pair of trousers and a top for a few months as it’s consuming me a bit, but the lack of colour and style in my clothes is taking a lot of joy out of my life.
My job requires casual clothes, even a bit arty. My free time is spent in casual clothes, but do you think I can get a nice pair of jeans or a top that doesn’t look frumpy? No.
So Style and Beauty regulars, who love thinking about things like this, I’d really appreciate your views.

Hi, I don’t have a lot of advice but didn’t want to scroll past. I feel the same as you, since having my baby I’m totally lost with what looks good on me so I just wear leggings and a baggy top to blend in. However I have been looking into dopamine dressing, there are some videos on YouTube about it. It’s also easy to do on a budget as you can mix and match stuff from charity shops, vinted, Depop, etc.

I hope you find your way soon! You look beautiful no matter what you wear, but it’s important you feel good in it too 😊 xx

Why don't you try a style consultant? Melissa Murrell does online styling sessions....

www.mmstylingacademy.co.uk/courses/personalstylingyourself

She has lots of you tube videos for specific body shapes too, which are an easy watch.

Have you ever had your 'colours done' aka colour/style analysis.

I had it back in the '80's when it was absolutely transformational for me. Now, decades later, I love pretty much everything I buy, so I am surrounded by things that bring me joy.

Finding someone good is critical, just like everyone else. I might have been lucky as the consultant I tried turned into a friend but sadly is now retired.

Hope you find what you need.

Thanks very much for your replies. @PixieBoom I’ll look into dopamine dressing on YouTube. I love bright colours but am wearing black or navy at the moment which isn’t helping at all. I’m sorry you feel the same way and hope you manage to get out of it soon.
That style consultant does look good @Rina66 but there’s no way I could afford that. Interestingly though the lady in pink on that first page is dressed exactly how I’d like to - so that’s a bit of inspiration.
@FinallyHere I haven’t had my colours done but I think that bright jewel colours suit me best. Weirdly most of my Pinterest saves are of stylish women in grey and black - colours that definitely don’t suit me. I love Pinterest but it hasn’t helped at all. I have no idea why I’m picking images that wouldn’t suit me colour wise.
I’ve cleared my wardrobe on Vinted or to charity of anything that doesn’t fit anymore. My wardrobe had some lovely things in it but now it’s bare with a bit of black and navy. I did buy a bright green jumper this week - sizing up a lot and even though it’s exactly the sort of thing I used to wear it looks lumpy on me. Like I say, I’m seriously considering just ignoring how I look and dress because it’s driving me mad being so vain. 🙄

Why not book yourself a personal shopping appointment at John Lewis? You could just say that you want to find nice jeans and tops for casual and smart and see where that leads. You could try and ‘diagnose’ your body shape. Mention it to them and see if they agree/ disagree on the hope that they will ‘diagnose’ it for you and give you some pointers.

There is nothing wrong with your appearance mattering to you. It’s not vanity at all so don’t worry!

You sound a similar height, weight and shape to me. I have generally been a size 10 but now a 12 but with an out of proportion larger belly.

I tend to wear mini dresses as legs still good in the skater style. I stay away from anything floral as think it is aging and stick to block colours. Other things I like are a puffy sleeve, batwing sleeve, any kind of unusual architexture. This might seem odd but hoodies make feel feel young and I pair them with a mini skirt/dress under it and trainers/ chunky strappy shoes/ cute boots depending on the season. In the winter i am very much a tights and miniskirt girl too. I do wear jeans more then. I buy cropped jeans from Zara and just wear them like a normal jean as i am too tall for petite ranges and too short for regular. They sit above the ankle but i think any length goes these dats and at least they arent trailing in the mud. Again in the winter most of my tops are plain in colour but have something interesting in the shape, ie the sleeve, oversized etc.

What about starting small - keep the clothes simple, but seek out bits of costume jewellery that appeal to you love of beauty. Beautiful handbag, belt, glasses. Take pleasure in those and the rest will come. Like a Prosecco before dinner?

Enjoy and savour your self-rediscovery!

I have had a similar problem with being bigger and losing my style. I found finding the right jeans/trousers has really helped (paper bag from Zara- they come up large) Also trousers smart jogger type trousers from Vera Moda- I’m short so roll everything up. I am planning to lose weight(for my health) but think it’s important to feel good while I do so I buy stuff from vinted a lot as I’m changing size and that keeps it on budget. I also size up (fashion designer friend told me to do this and it really works to stop all the lumps and bumps!)

I'm not going to talk about how you can dress for your shape because I don't bother with that any more. I think the more important thing is to try and recapture your love of clothes. If you can get that back then I think it's possible to enjoy getting dressed and experimenting, even when clothes don't look the same on your body as they did when you were 20. (I'm 66 and I know that feeling!)

I would try immersing yourself in beautiful things. Notice I'm not talking about buying anything yet! If you're anywhere near London, I'd spend time in the V&A Museum. Drink in the costume collection (exhibition on Chanel starts next month) and also the textiles and interiors. (Sorry if you're already familiar with it.)

Spend time in some of the high end fabric shops on Berwick St in Soho, and in Joel and sons. A few doors up from Joel and sons is Alfie's Antiques where they still have a few old school vintage sellers. Go and look!

If you can't get to London there are costume museums in Manchester (exhibition on couture at the moment) and Bath. Or try exploring mill shops - one or two left in Yorkshire.

Buy a history of fashion book or order some from the library. Justine Picardie's biography of Chanel is a great read and beautifully illustrated. I find '1000 Dresses' inspiring and I don't even wear dresses. (That one's modern - not costume history.)

Then I'd save up for something small-ish but luxurious that doesn't depend on size or shape to wear this winter. e.g. a cashmere scarf or hat or long leather gloves that look good and feel great.

Then start from there.

This is what works for me when I feel a bit downcast about my inevitably decline body. Good luck.

Mumsnet should pin your post at the top of S&B @Floisme

You haven't lost your style by the sound of it, just your confidence in it and that seems to be linked to your body confidence.

As well meaning as it is to do the full MN makeover of colours, personal shoppers, etc. is, those things aren't going to magically fix how you feel about your body.

I don't know what your situation is but if you can I'd recommend regularly doing some sort of exercise you enjoy, not to lose weight but just to have a different relationship with your body as being something that can still achieve great things for you. Plus coasting on some endorphins post workout also helps improve your outlook on things. It doesn't need to be anything strenuous, just something you enjoy doing in the moment and leaves you feeling like you've done something for yourself.

If you've got physical issues preventing you from exercise than there's always mental ones, have a Google, a therapist friend recommends looking in the mirror every day (naked or in underwear, whatever you're comfortable with) finding one thing you like about yourself (doesn't have to be a physical thing, can be your kindness, or whatever, too) and adding one positive thing on each subsequent day. Not sure if that's professional or just casual advice from her but I think it's a fairly helpful exercise when you need to reconnect to yourself again.

Oversized white shirts. I live in them. And I have a rather chunky silver necklace with a couple of equally chunky charms/pendants, plus silver bangles.

I also stopped cutting my hair into a bob, I’m growing it. I put it up with unusual hairclips when it’s hot. Look on Etsy for that.

I love navy and black, I tend to go for White Company or me&em dresses, but I have bright yellow shoes, for instance, to make a statement:)

This summer I bought 2 orange dresses, one from me&em and one from jigsaw. Coral lipstick and I’m good to go. this one hides my bloated tummy.

HTH

Soz the Fashion Museum in Bath is temporarily closed at the moment. But there's a collection in Liverpool that I forgot to mention, and a number of smaller ones all over the country.

I’m wondering what I can possibly add … I’m almost a decade older than you, and fabulous clothes are what’s kept me going during periods when everything else in life is crap - so I can imagine the despair if getting dressed isn’t bringing you any joy at the moment.

I agree that seeking out beauty is a good place to start. Perfume (do you have any you love, if not send for some samples of rich autumnal fragrances), a small glorious piece of jewellery that stirs your imagination, even a recklessly extravagant nail varnish. (I don’t give a damn about manicures but sometimes just the sight of a colour I’ve never seen before can lift my spirits.)

And - unless you grow your own food - the biggest weekly veg box you can manage will make a difference to everything.

I’ve never found jeans terribly comforting, so definitely wouldn’t be looking for some if I were feeling down about my visible self. Instead I’d probably invest in some (now rather luxury priced) Community Clothing joggers in the prettiest colour available, and wear them with an old tweed jacket.

On the 'seeking out beauty' front, when I'm feeling like you I go to a cafe and people watch. If you choose your cafe carefully e.g. in a smart street or wonderful art gallery, you get a passing trade of stylish women wearing beautiful clothes. I find it really inspiring.

@Floisme such great advice and not just for OP thank you

@Floisme I lo ex your post too and such food for thought x

Op save the pic of the lady in pink and start a folder of style inspiration. @Floisme is so right about needing a sensory reset before you buy anything. I have found in the past I will panic buy something I end up hating.

I have felt like you op more than once I'm 44 now and felt like this at 31 after baby 1 and then much more recently after mh breakdown. It's part of finding your way back to yourself.

Things which have got me back on track a bit are; finding an anchor style item. Mine has become that every 2 Ish years I buy myself the most glamorous Birkenstocks I can find (budgeted and planned for) and I buy seasonal clothes around them. I notice you mention casual dress code - my work is similar so lots of scope. Previous were antique gold madrids, this year patent black arizonas with huge gold buckles. They are so glam they lift any outfit.

I've done similar with earrings. Some are quite expensive from Etsy sellers and some were £1 in the sale in river island! I now have about 5 sets of co ordinated jewelry (so a necklace and earrings and maybe a bracelet in metal that fits together) that I just pick up when I'm dressed. Not much thinking required.

Get to know Vinted. Like you I'm always on a budget I think that's just life now. You have to rifle through it once a week or so and don't get hung up on an item beyond your budget. I've bought quite a bit of Ted baker lately which are well cut and quite classic no obvious past trends. Suddenly I've got more clothes in my wardrobe I really love, I went to a wedding earlier this year and I bought 3 outfits in the end from Vinted. Most were £5!!! Now I'm ready for another wedding or whatever as I have a choice of dresses and jumpsuits in the wardrobe. This has never ever happened to me before - in the past I would have panic bought and spent loads of money.

Back to jumpsuits - I'm also tummy conscious and I have realised I love the fit of jumpsuits so much and as lots are drop waist they are so flattering! Also if you wear a long dress or jumpsuit that's your outfit - see also dungarees. I found this out with a jumpsuit I get compliments every single time I wear it - that I bought 2 years ago in........finest tesco!!!!!

I have also found that smart trousers which side fasten with a zip are much much better for tummy area and can make me feel great instead of lumpy.

I am also finding that trying clothes on in privacy is a game changer. Dd1 also finds shop changing rooms horrific so we just don't. I order online things we like the look of and there's no commitment - either you love it or it goes straight back.

Have a think about bags too as styling around them is also easy if you have a bag you love. Because I have to carry a laptop mn helped me choose a Roka bag which I'm getting lots of interest in. Made me feel instantly put together, smart and chic and has really influenced my colour palette.

Throw out anything which makes you feel shit. You will be saying 'well I'll have nothing to wear' but honestly stop punishing yourself.

Don't wear anything which makes you uncomfortable. I got like this with swimwear. Then I bought the mn Amazon swimsuit and then swim shorts from Vinted (£5) to go over the top and feel much much better about swimming and the beach. I wanted to burn all my bikinis I still do. I've just bought a black rashie from finest Lidl of all places so now I'm fully kitted up - no feeling self conscious for me 😃

If you see women wearing clothes you like tell them and ask where they bought it. Most are delighted. A mum I very vaguely know really influenced my last purchase of a very oversized zebra print shirt (think it's supposed to be a beach cover) because she was wearing a similar one over a black sleeveless jumpsuit which looked so so good.

Love these threads in mn. Supportive and inspiring x

First of all a big thank you to @PixieBoom for bumping my thread 😘.
Thank you all so much for your responses. I would love to reply to everyone individually but please know that I have written down suggestions from every single person and have so much food for thought.
I also feel understood, which in turn makes me have hope that I can find joy in this area of my life again.
@botemp I think you might be right about me not having lost my style, just my confidence in it because of my lack of body confidence.
@Floisme I hoped you might see this and reply. I love reading what you have to say and your reply here is no exception. I’m nowhere near a city but your thoughts are very true and I need to seek out beautiful inspiration. I love the idea of saving for something small but luxurious.
The same with gorgeous hair clips, shoes, nail varnish or a bag that becomes a starting point to find my style - thank you everyone who suggested these. This is such a great idea. Fun, but doesn’t involve buying clothes.
I will save the picture of the lady in pink to a file on my ‘phone. Even though my Pinterest choices reflect my love of casual but structured style, they don’t reflect my love of colour.
This is exactly the sort of conversation I hoped to start when I posted. Apologies for such a long reply but each of your posts has made me happier. ❤️

I absolutely love vinted and I’m doing a lot of shopping there at the moment. And a lot of selling too most of what I list is brand-new with tags because I’m usually erring too much on the side of caution with anything that’s worn.

I think in terms of environmental and being cost-effective if that’s going to be my go to from now onwards

Such lovely replies, especially what @pastypirate says about shoes and building your wardrobe around them.

On the subject of jumpsuits, I have this one in a few colours, which is so floaty and easy to wear. I'm taller and a bit bigger than you (14/16) so it's cropped on me, but on 5'3 I think it would be perfect.....and it's only £25.

manamou.co.uk/collections/jumpsuits-25-under/products/ruffle-shoulder-jumpsuit-coral