How to build self esteem around appearance?

[BuildingAShepherdsHut]

Can i just ask what you do to build your self esteem around your looks and your appearance?

I really intensely dislike my appearance. I have never felt good about myself. I am 50. i am 3 stone overweight. I have what my mother describes as 'strong features'. (This is NOT a compliment).

I am a bit of a wreck generally. Yet, what is odd to me is that people describe me as beautiful.... or at least 3 separate people these past few weeks have done so in different (and unsolicited) contexts.

i was wondering if maybe I am not as unattractive as I think.

I don't want to spend the remaining years of my life avoiding photos and hiding away and being embarrassed about myself. So i would like to gradually build my self esteem and I would dearly love some tips - hints- advice.

Sorry if any of that sounds boasty- it's not. It's just that I got 3 comments recently that brought me up short as it is not how I see myself.

There are a lot of overweight people who are beautiful, you know. You probably have nice skin, hair or eyes, or all of these.....

I am 51, and to build my self-esteem, I am trying to lose the weight around my middle and lift weights to build some muscle ( and ward off osteoporosis). I am happy with my skin in general, after using Tret for years ( and good genes). In the pandemic, I got a little less groomed, but am thinking of going back to the salon to get my brows threaded ( though prices have shot up). I don't dress in expensive clothes as I work from home, but I have what I think is a flattering uniform: dark jeans, jewel colured jumpers ( suit me better than black) and some interesting silver jewellery. I also have strong features, btw. But it is what it is.

I like dark jeans.

I love interesting jewellery.

i deffo need my eyebrows attended to.

I know there are beautiful people who are overweight- I am just always embarrassed by my weight.

Thank you for replying. Maybe I need to make one small change a month that makes me feel better and build on it.

Or something.

I have strong features and have been told I am striking looking which I rather love. Who wants to be generic?

If people have told you you are beautiful, I doubt they are lying. However, it is human nature and incredibly common to disbelieve compliments. I often cringe when people pay me compliments but I know that they're saying it because they mean it, not to make me feel better about myself.

Only you can work on your self esteem with regards to your appearance, no-one else can help. (Self-)acceptance is a huge part of this. Life is short, so please, start to believe in yourself.

If you have 'strong features', maybe these are coming into their own now that you're a bit older? For example I think people with strong bone structure (eg cheekbones, chin, nose) age much better, or look more interesting and characterful as they get older.

Do you like walking? I have found that a fantastic exercise, not so much to lose weight, but to generally feel better in myself. When my whole day is going to shit, i just walk, while listening to a podcast. The simple act of putting one foot ahead of the other makes me feel good. I also swim in summer, and that has the same effect. I get the feeling you are not looking for weight loss advice any way, but this is a way to feel good.

I can't justify spending much on clothes, but what I do buy is all natural fabrics: cotton, wool, silk occ. I buy in charity shops rather than on the high street these days, and buy far less. Natural fabrics make me feel happier. I sweat in polyester at this age.
I have got some beautiful coats at charity shops in posher parts of London. I love colour; it suits me and makes me feel happy.

I don't wear much makeup tbh, but maybe worth going to a makeup counter and finding what suits you now, which may not be what has always suited you. I know there are all kinds of cool makeup tricks that can be done with strong features, though I haven't bothered myself!

Hair: mine is very frizzy in middle age, but I do leave coconut oil in overnight, which makes it glossy for a day or two!

I think overall, it is important to remember that most people don't look at you really closely. You may feel terrible about your wrinkles, but most people haven't noticed, unless you are Madonna! The world is largely preoccupied with their own problems.

Angelica Huston
Barbra Streisand
Cher
Helen Mirren
Cate Blanchett
Tilda Swinton
Viola Davis

I would be happy to look like any of them..

You know - some people have regular, symmetrical faces and bodies that look good in two or three dimensions, no matter what. On the other hand I’ve known people whose physical presence barely registered until they spoke - and then it’s as if their voice clarified the beauty of their features. Other people might have been almost invisible to me until I heard them express an opinion, or solve a puzzle, or dance. It’s obvious, I know, but beauty is so much about tiny shifts in perception.

When you look at yourself in the mirror you know exactly what to expect - and you have 50 years of solidified opinion on what you’re seeing. But another person will see a tilt of your head, or hear a lilt in your voice that, to them, makes you make sense. It’s inexplicable and pointless to look for in yourself.

It’s always worthwhile to look after oneself and to take an active part in one’s own health and well-being - as far as possible. But people look their best when they’re happy and engaged in something outside themselves - throw yourself into things you care about, then you won’t have time to worry about ‘self esteem’.

What does strong features mean?

Ah okay, so strong features mean something prominent on the face.

Firstly, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t think cheekbones are very desirable. And secondly, you might actually suit your strong features. I would say Sarah Jessica Parker really suits her large nose, for example.

For me, it's having an aquiline nose, well defined jaw and high/prominent cheekbones. However, and thankfully, all of these mean that I am ageing very well and my face has yet to sag despite being a year or two from fifty.

Like that model Erin someone? That’s a GREAT look.

Erin O’Connor

Yes this.

I have a very very large nose. It has been something commented on forever usually in very disparaging terms. i have had people (even strangers) literally ask me why I never did anything about my nose. When i say literally, I mean literally.

But oddly, i adore people like Angelica Houston, and Barbra Streisand. And I would definitely leave heterosexuality behind without a backward glance for Kristen Scott Thomas who has not a large nose, particularly but an aquiline nose.

I do think I am coming into my own now I am getting older.

I am reading these posts and am very appreciative but it is alot to digest so I may not reply properly tonight. I really appreciate people's thoughts.

She has such a great face. Her jaw is more square than mine, and we look nothing alike, so no!

Am really happy with how I look - I have definitely grown into my face as I have aged.

I have a very large nose too. It's a potato nose. Many rude people have commented on it.

In my younger days I wished I could change it.Now that I can actually afford rhinoplasty, I don't want to. It's part of me. I am Asian so I am never going to have a perfect little button nose. I will live with it. There are worse things in the world, and the people I really care about-DH, DC, my mum and sis- never comment.

Why do you care what strangers think about your nose? Also, how rude of these people. I mean seriously, it is so rude and ill-mannered of them.

I have had some say similar to me, particularly when I was younger and always told them their opinion was unwelcome. Never once have I considered getting my nose fixed because there is nothing wrong with it. Also, I would look ridiculous with a smaller nose on my face.

Imagine if Barbara Streisand or Angelica Houston has fixed their noses? They would look bland rather than striking. It is far more courageous to embrace our natural selves rather than correct something that others deem to be a fault.

She does have a great face, but I just googled her having not seen her in years and I would say that she looks very old for 45! She could pass for 60 in celebrity years (she looks like Tilda Swinton who actually is in her 60s). I suspect it has more to do with her being super thin than her strong features, though.

I believe Barbra was asked to fix her nose and refused. Imagine her without her nose!

I think she only looks old because she's not full of filler. That said, I don't think she looks old. It's more we've forgotten what natural ageing looks like.

I just googled Erin O Connor. I think she lools great! I must get my brows in order and wear a strong lip more often like her. It just seems wasted on DH, who probably wouldn't notice if I shaved my eyebrows off:)

I think you’re right! I definitely meant ‘celebrity years’ when I said 60.

Something I have realised, when I look closely at the faces of some women who are definitely considered to be attractive, is that they have as many imperfections as my face (I've rarely been attractive to anyone). The difference between these attractive women and me is that they stand up straighter and just seem more truly confident deep down.

This may not be what you want to hear, so feel free to look away now.

Self esteem comes from how you treat yourself and how you let other people treat you. Mostly how you treat yourself.

It really isn't about how you look

If you focus on how you want to be treated, and start doing that for yourself, you will quickly notice how much better you feel about yourself.

Because you deserve to be treated well, starting by how you treat yourself.

Blimey, if you've had 3 people tell you look beautiful in the last month then I'd take that as a win!