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How not to hate my own appearance

3 replies

Houseplantkiller92 · 08/01/2023 17:55

This is not a self pity post, but I would love some genuine advice! I'm only 30 and I hate how much self confidence I've lost. It may be a little long, but I'd never confide in anyone in real life as it seems a bit self indulgent ...

I've put a lot of weight on in the last 5 years , and have gone from a size 12 to a size 20, I'm 5ft7. My face is puffy. My stomach carries a lot of weight. It is ruined, I have 4 children - two of them were bigger than 10lb. I've had a section and it shows, I have an awful overhang as well.

I'm trying to lose weight but find it difficult - I'm a uni student on a healthcare course so have a rapidly changing shift pattern, and it's too far to travel after night shifts so some weeks I'm in a budget hotel for 3/4 nights without access to cooking facilities so I eat a lot of junk. I do eat healthily at home.

I look silly no matter what I wear. I used to wear a lot of dresses, cardigans and tights with converse or dr martens but got asked more than once if I was pregnant. So I'm living in skinny jeans (not flattering) and long sleeved roll - neck tops. I bought a few pairs of Lucy and Yak dungarees, as I LOVE them, especially the patterned ones but again they are not flattering on me and a family member said they are ridiculous so I cant bring myself to wear them now.

My hair is awful, it's a dyed auburn colour which I like but I've always just trimmed it myself. It just hangs by my face when It's not tied up for work. I hate having it tied up as it shows how much weight I've put on around my chin and neck.

My teeth are wonky and stick out, I sucked my thumb and should have had braces as a child but can't afford them now. I've got fair skin, but not a lovely peaches and cream type complexion , I have red patches around my nose and chin, and big pores on my nose. I've used lots of different moisturisers, creams and primers but nothing has helped. Foundation just sits in my pores (Currently using bobbi brown face base as a primer and this has shown a slight improvement).

I have lots of lovely makeup, some budget stuff and some higher end stuff. I used to love doing my makeup and experimenting , loved having winged eyeliner and a red lip but now I think it just draws attention to my sticky out teeth and my face is so puffy anyway so it doesn't really make me look any better. But when I don't wear makeup, people ask me if I'm ill as I'm so pale.

I'm open to suggestions on how to either improve my appearance or how to come to terms with the fact that this is me for now. It's getting to the point where I sit and cry before I have to leave the house as I know that whatever I do, I just won't look decent. I also would love to have some outfit ideas, I see lots of beautiful women who are the same size as me or bigger and they look so put together.

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 08/01/2023 18:03

Oh darling, it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on.

I would start with the diet - even if you can’t lose weight, try to focus on adding in more fruit and veg to your diet and more water, it will improve the way you look and surprisingly quickly. While you don’t have cooking equipment, if you’ve got the facility to store fruit and things like carrot/cucumber/pepper sticks to graze on that would help.

could you practice styling your hair differently so it sits better round your face?

once you’ve got less going on, you can work on your weight, and from that the rest will follow, but for now, up your water and good foods intake. (Even if you don’t decrease the junk at the same time.)

Summerhillsquare · 08/01/2023 18:07

May I refer you to the Phillipa Perry column in the Observer today? A rallying cry for women in this position.

Verbena87 · 08/01/2023 18:21

My advice based on dealing with my own body-confidence lunacy. Top things…

*limit your exposure to imagery that focuses on appearance as radically as you possibly can. If at all possible, a complete break from social media, no women’s magazines, and try and steer clear of advertising as far as practical although it gets rammed down our throats.

*chuck/lock away scales and tape measure. Reduce the number of mirrors in the house (we have one long one by the front door, and one in the bathroom for teeth flossing purposes.)

Other stuff…

  • sort your sleep as much as possible.
  • go outside every day, preferably somewhere reasonably green
  • seek out face-to-face time with people that make you laugh. Laugh.
  • talking therapy
  • spend on a haircut you like. It can be a good reset
  • listen to Tara Brach talk about self compassion. Keep doing what she says to do even if you feel like a wanker/feel like she’s a wanker while you do it.
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