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Looking "frumpy"

22 replies

Meecrowavay · 24/08/2022 08:21

Style crisis as I approach 40. I'm not sure why I've lost myself again but the same thing happened when I turned 30. I look in the mirror and think, I can do better than this. I know MN doesn't like the term frumpy, but that's the best word to describe how I feel.

Had anyone been in the same boat and is there anything you did to feel less frumpy? Aware this is very open ended but I don't know where to start!

My hair is just above shoulder length, side part. Would a blunter shorter bob style be better do you think?

I need to lose weight which doesn't help. I am working on that though.

OP posts:
DoingJustFine · 24/08/2022 08:30

I always feel frumpy when I'm heavier. It's because I dress to hide the lard, rather than because I like those particular clothes.

Darkness22 · 24/08/2022 08:32

For me it's the bob and the weight. I'm working on both!

MorrisZapp · 24/08/2022 08:33

Everyone's different but in my thirties I went down the Fat Face/White Stuff route, thinking it was pretty stylish. Looking back, it wasn't, and in fact it made me look older and a bit shapeless.

Try something radical. If you always wear jeans, dare to wear something else. This summer I swapped out t-shirts and wore loose blouses instead. Broke a life long t-shirt habit and I love it! Tried various long dresses, loose trousers and that's been a revelation too.

LadyVictoriaSponge · 24/08/2022 08:41

No doubt someone will come on here shortly to chastise you for using the word frumpy but we all know exactly what it means and how frumpy feels.

Marinamountainzoo · 24/08/2022 08:48

If you're not happy with your weight, it's probably more about that. I know I feel frumpier when I'm heavier.

I definitely feel in a bit of a rut right now. I'm in my 40s. I've WFH since the pandemic and miss dressing smarter for going into the office. But I just don't see the point when I WFH and my life outside work consists of outdoorsy walks and days out with the kids that I want to be comfortable for. I do have a few long dresses I like for the summer but they're not always practical.

bellamountain · 24/08/2022 08:59

I think longer hair can actually make you look younger in your 40s. Women fall into the mistake of cutting their hair into a mum bob but it's actually quite ageing. I think eyebrows can be key in making you look fresher. I look back at old photos before I used to get my eyebrows done and I realise now how much they frame my face for the better. As I now go to a recommended brow bar. No funky laminated brows just a tint and shaping. Is that an option?

The fashion at the moment for oversized shirts can be very flattering. A large white oversized shirt over black shorts, leggings, jeans is very on trend.

midgetastic · 24/08/2022 09:09

There's a very recent thread on this you could check out

Meecrowavay · 24/08/2022 13:28

midgetastic · 24/08/2022 09:09

There's a very recent thread on this you could check out

Thanks. Will look for that thread. Was it here on style and beauty?

The hair thing is a funny one. My hair has lost some volume since having kids so I feel it gets a bit 'spaniel's ears' at a certain length and just hangs there, but I do agree that it works on some women my age. The length it's at now has felt really fresh/modern to me before (and not too long that it pulls down any volume) but something's changed. That's why I wondered if a blunter cut would work (like Alexandra Steadman/frugality kind of length). But then I think I need to lose a bit more weight as that isn't a forgiving cut if you've got an extra chin (-cough- or 4).

I get my eyebrows threaded monthly. Agree that helps frame my face.

Even my make up just seems to do nothing. I feel like a candidate for one of those 10 years younger type shows where I just need everything overhauled and someone to tell me what suits me. I don't actually want to look younger. I just don't want to look 15 years older!

Interesting so many of you mention weight. It does limit wardrobe options, doesn't it. Slowly chipping away at it though.

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 24/08/2022 13:31

I agree with trying something different clothes wise. I live in jeans but bought some wide legged satin style trousers and surprised myself by loving them and looking completely different!

Fluffycloudland77 · 24/08/2022 13:37

I had a straight cut blunt cut, just off my shoulders, never had so many compliments off other women on a hair cut.

Next stylist stuffed it up and I looked like a peg doll. You know it’s bad when your dh says it’s not that bad.

TabithaTittlemouse · 24/08/2022 13:41

What do you usually wear? What’s your go to day time outfit?

abovedecknotbelow · 24/08/2022 13:44

Do you have young kids? Reason I ask is I felt so frumpy when I did but couldn't be arsed / didn't have the energy to do anything about it. When they got a bit older and I have slightly more time and money, I signed up to stitch fix. I needed ideas. You can get the same from a personal shopper in a department store without paying the styling fee.

I'm heavier than I'd like, biggest thing I've learnt, buy what actually fits not the size on the label you think should fit! I've worn mid thigh shorts all summer, always wore knee length before, the knee length are actually frumpville.

I have grown my hair long, it's prematurely grey, I don't care, it looks fab, realise this isn't everyone's taste but I'm allergic to dye and don't like short hair on me.

I've also hit 40 and seem to not give a fuck anymore which is a revelation.

newlife82 · 24/08/2022 13:49

What are you normal clothes like OP?

I totally get the frump feelings since passing 40 plus having a toddler.

Divebar2021 · 24/08/2022 13:55

The interesting thing about weight is you would have a completely different attitude to a certain weight depending on whether you had gained weight to get there or lost weight to get there. You may still be overweight but if you’ve lost a few pounds and feel zingy that feeling radiates from you. I’m very overweight ( size 18) but I exercise regularly now and that energy boost makes me feel less frumpy than a few years ago when I was a size 16. I also have a cool haircut and find current slouchy fashions suit my vibe ( if that’s not too wanky a word). I occasionally use a sheet mask. Occasionally get a pedicure. Try and slap on some body moisturiser but am hit and miss with grooming but don’t feel frumpy often. ( I’m 52 and menopausal so not necessarily always in a great place but fairly confident about clothes )

BadlydoneHelen · 24/08/2022 15:18

I started looking 'better' when I stopped saving clothes for best and started wearing my nicer clothes all the time. Throwing on a fleece with jeans is the quickest way to get ready for walking the dog etc but is a shortcut to frumpy if that's what you want to call it.

ThatPirateLady · 24/08/2022 15:39

40 this year, young kids and definitely feeling frumpy. I’m technically not overweight but I’ve lost my fitness and my body shape has changed since pregnancy - it’s definitely a factor in the frumpy feeling.

posting hoping someone has the magic bullet solution

Meecrowavay · 24/08/2022 20:58

Go to clothes are skinny/slim fit jeans or at the moment, long (shapeless!) dresses and loose ankle grazer trousers. Arizona Birkenstocks on my feet (lace up boots/trainers the rest of the time). Plain linen shirts or a tshirt/knit. Nothing too out there. Minimal jewellery. The linen shirt and ankle grazer trousers is a look other women seem to look stylish and cool in. Not me. I always aspire to that effortless French look but it's harder than it looks!

And yes I have young-ish kids. Out of the baby phase now. Youngest is 3. I do find he has reached an age where I have a bit more headspace to think about myself again but it's still
a challenge. And I'm always tired!

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 24/08/2022 21:41

I also have a cool haircut

@Divebar2021 What's the "cool haircut"? Genuinely interested as looking for inspiration.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 24/08/2022 23:49

@Divebar2021 that is such a good point about weight! I’m 49 and started HRT last month and immediately packed on 10lb in the first three weeks. I’m the heaviest I have ever been and a BMI of 25.5 - but actually still a 10/12 and probably no-one else even notices. I feel absolutely bleurgh. My friend has recently gone from a 22 to a 16 and she looks so, so fabulous. She sparkles whereas I look/feel like a black hole.

(sorry, OP, that is no help at all)

ThisWomamsWork · 25/08/2022 01:16

I see this a lot on this board, women reaching late 30's and having a bit of a crisis of confidence.

It's probably a combination of young children, a creeping feeling that you're not 'young, young' any more, and yes, the body does evolve, the early signs of aging can be noticeable.

Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold!

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

It's almost as though Yeats was writing about early middle-aged women (I often think that's why Joan Didion latched onto The Second Coming as a theme in her mid-30s).

I do digress.

I think mid to late 30s are a difficult time for women in terms of finding a place and a role for themselves, often subsumed by motherhood, combined with career demands, physical changes, loss and gain, and it's very easy to suddenly turn around and ask, 'Who the fuck am I now, where did she go?'

I know the word frumpy is devisive on this board, but I think it's an important one to discuss, because yes, it may be rooted in misogyny, but it's also a frame of mind very many women find themselves in because it is about a loss, a ceding, a sublimation, from one state to another.

And that's where we find ourselves. When we recognise what's been taken.

I actually did start this post to talk about clothes. But it's not about clothes really, is it? I can't tell you what to wear so you don't feel frumpy. I have absolutely no idea what you look like or how you present yourself.

I can tell you though, that once you rediscover your essential self, you won't be slouching towards Bethlehem, you'll be fucking skipping there.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/08/2022 08:59

It happened to me and I’m child free, years ago women my age were old & im still getting asked for my driving licence to buy wine.

Things have changed, you don’t have to buy sensible twin sets at 35 now unless you want to.

newlife82 · 25/08/2022 12:27

I don't think anyone wearing twinsets! It doesn't sound like the OP is.

Many of us on here have had babies in our early 40's which compounds things. My boobs are still full and husband likes them very much(!) but I notice they are lower down my body. This intuitively gives me an older look - like my mother. Not good. I try to keep them hoicked up but the shape of my body is different in clothes now.

Also shops - I have no idea where to go. I used to use TopShop, Zara, H&M, &OtherStories etc but they are either closed down or things don't seem for me. However I'm not ready (not sure if I ever will be) for the likes of John Lewis or M&S! I used to have a bit of an edge to my clothes (as a one time Art student) so I'm not going into Hobbs any time soon.

So yes perhaps a lot if it is weight loss related. But also I just feel like there's nothing out there for me. I don't even know who is a role model for a woman of 43 in terms of style. They are all either younger, or into their 50's and extremely rich celebs (Tess Daly, Gabby Logan etc).

It is hard!

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