Please help me dress the part

[Dalmatianmummy]

I’m a 24 year old mummy to a 1 year old. She’ll be starting in the nursery of the prep school she’ll be attending soon. I’m a single parent and I think the youngest of the mums. I can be a bit anxious about social situations and hate feeling different/out of place.

I feel like I’m still dressing like a uni student, and I want to feel more like a mummy/dress slightly older. I feel like I get funny looks sometimes from other mums but I think part of the problem is that I look quite young anyway and the way I dress adds to that.

So tell me - how do I look the part? What do I buy, how do I dress? Where do I start?! Of course I know that just because I’m a mum doesn’t mean I have to change how I dress, but I don’t feel like the pretty little thing/SHEIN look is very me anymore. I have the money to buy nice clothes, but I’ve just continued shopping in the places I did pre baby because I don’t really know where else to look or what to buy. I don’t want to embarrass my daughter (obviously not now but as she gets older!) and I don’t want other mums to not talk to me because I come across young.

So, I suppose the question I’m asking is what’s the private school mummy look?

I tend to shop in Boden, joules, Frugi, Jojo for my little one. Are these the “right” places/similar to what the other children will be wearing? I know this sounds ridiculous and none of it really matters, but I already feel “different” and would like to at least look similar to everyone else/not stick out as much. Thank you!

The look is generally just rolled out of bed, hair in a messy bun and whatever the first thing you grabbed to wear as you run out of the door is the norm. Unless you have a job that requires a different look. No one will judge you for what you wear.

It sounds more like you just want a new style, in which case, get yourself to an outlet or shopping centre and try on clothes from stores you normally wouldn't, have fun with it.

In terms of nusery, they'll be wearing whatever the nursery uniform is, usually polo shirt, plain dark leggings, white socks and school logo jumper or similar.

I'd start with the obvious don't change who you are for others, honestly don't! As a 50 year old I've gone through cycles of doing this and honestly in the end I'm always happier or more confident sticking to the core of my own style/clothes.

However I do get sometimes it helps to have a mask or prop if you're feeling self conscious to allow you to relax a bit. So I'd say first start basic for example no one looks out of place in some good fitting jeans and a plain tee shirt, trainers especially at school/nursery drop off.

See what others wear over the first weeks and see what inspires. Many will be in gym gear (either for comfort or because they are going to exercise after drop off) others in work gear as they drop off on way to work, etc. so don't over think there being one set style.

Then build on your actually style - if you're not a Boden patterned dress type person don't wear one. Take what you like about your stuff and if you really want to be less self conscious tone it down. When you say you dress young/Uni student - give us an example of what you're comfortable in? Perhaps we can suggest ways to adapt/still keep the spirit of you?

I think what I’m worried about is looking cheap/trashy or childish. I’d love to make friends with the other mums but I’m worried that they’ll look down on me/think that we have nothing in common. I’m worried that if they don’t like me or feel like they won’t gel with me then we’re less likely to be invited for play dates and things. I wouldn’t really care if it was just about me, it’s more the potential impact on my little one I’m worried about if that makes sense? But I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard either!

I work from home for myself so don’t need to wear work clothes which would make life easier! I could do but I don’t know if that would look strange if I’m not going to work in an office?

I feel like I’ve spent the last couple of years in maternity clothes and then just in easy clothes for breastfeeding/lots of loungewear as I’ve been at home. Now that I’m pulling out my old wardrobe it doesn’t feel very me anymore. I’ve always been guided by trends because it’s easy, but now that I’m a bit older I feel like I look silly wearing big ripped jeans and things like that.

I want to look elevated, more put together. I’m a size 6, lanky, not very curvy. I tend to wear more tight fitting clothes or I tend to look a bit shapeless and like I’m drowning in my clothes/have no shape.

I like the linen shirt/oversized type look that seems to be popular at the moment but it just doesn’t suit me, I end up looking like I’m playing dress up in someone else’s clothes.

When we go to playgroups and things I’ve had people say “ooh i’m old enough to be your mum!” I’ve also been asked if my daughter is mine which I find a strange question! So I suppose I’d like to dress a little bit older or just fit in a little more.

I do try and take care of myself, I fake tan, have my nails done, wear hair extensions etc but I’m not sure if that’s helping or making me look younger/different again.

I tend to live in a coloured scoop neck tank top or crop top/black leggings/sliders. I wouldn’t say that’s very me, just easy and I don’t feel shapeless.

In the winter it tends to be a jumper, skinny jeans, black heeled boots, camel coat.

It totally depends on so many things. IMHO extensions, fake tan, nails does not look classy. And the brands you are wearing are for younger / going out looks.

Being a young mum you might end up being judged anyway.

Just wear jeans for the first few days, suss out what the others wear and if you want to copy that?

Lots to unpack there - firstly it says something about their own insecurities when they question your age. In my experience women are labelled 'geriatric' when becoming pregnant over 35 so age can be a bit of a trigger. Smile, and change the topic to something you will have in common - isn't nursery worker X lovely, I love the jumper you're wearing where's it from, does your child like avocados 😉. Also remember many of them are worried you'll think they are too old to be your friend and are just as worried about their LO making friends, so don't overthink who makes the first move organising play dates.

As for clothes you could stick to what you wear but just elevate it a bit, so jeans but no rips, tops but not cropped or too low cut. Again it's not about what the other women prefer as it is about you feeling less self conscious.

If you're small but like the oversize linen look try something that's oversized but shorter (like these www.asos.com/topshop/topshop-lightweight-resort-shirt-in-black/prd/202497624?ctaref=we+recommend+grid_4&featureref1=we+recommend+pers )

For brands I'd argue look at Hush before Boden, look at mango or Zara over PYT or Shein. And to splash All Saints or Jigsaw or Whistles - but when there are sales after all toddlers be toddlers regardless of how much money you have!

Not for a 1 year old surely?!

If you're dressing for a part, you are going to stick out like a sore thumb as you won't be comfortable. Just wear what you like

And why try to hide that you're a young Mom when that's exactly what you are? It's not a bad thing so why hide it?!

And if the other parents say something about how you dress, at least it saves you having to make the effort to get to know them and find out they are a twat because theyve let you know that themselves.

I'd go for the "posh" end of what it sounds like you are wearing already- sweaty Betty, Bam, lululemon leggings and tops, the ballet/yoga end of nice gym wear.

I work in a Prep nursery.
Our WFH mum's tend to wear jeans, a fine knit jumper/ tshirt and ballet pumps. Or gym-type gear.

Our mum's seem to be very nice to newbies- invite them to join the class WhatsApp etc. If you offer a play date I'm sure you'll get reciprocal invites.

Have a search for the 'how to look expensive' threads, some great ideas on those on how to go for a classy look.

Try not to worry too much though, nice people, don't care what you're wearing.

My DD goes to prep school and I work in a private secondary, your 'winter' look sounds like what I mostly see other mums dressed in who are not going to/from work. Typically well fitting jeans, skinny or otherwise, no rips etc. Tops/sweaters - nothing that particularly stands out, and well kept, nothing cropped. Trainers tend to be well known/desirable brands, and sometimes I might spot an expensive handbag or watch - but generally everyone looks pretty normal and not obviously 'from money' or anything, and actually the vast majority are not 'from money' but middle class with decent jobs or local business owners - but that may be more about the school location. The sort of clothes I would pitch are at the level of a shopping trip and lunch with friend, rather than a nip round Tesco's, or casual dinner at a bistro pub rather than a Michelin star restaurant or night out clubbing, if that makes sense.

I do try and take care of myself, I fake tan, have my nails done, wear hair extensions etc but I’m not sure if that’s helping or making me look younger/different again.

Get rid of all of those if you want to look classy.

I would go for simple straight or slightly flaired jeans and a few nice tops with either small patterns or plain. A fine knit cashmere jumper is very versatile

Sorry, but I agree that you are more likely going to be judged for the "fakery" - hair, tan, nails than by what you wear.

It sounds like you've lost yourself a little bit. Please don't try to dress, 'Like a mummy' - a) a 'mummy' outfit doesn't exist b) it totally demeans you to being just one thing and removes any sense of who YOU are and what YOU like.

Try to have a trying on session and just try on loads of pairs of jeans until you find some you like.

Get some trainers that you like.

Find a t-shirt or top that you like/suits you and buy it in a couple of colours.

Get a cotton jacket of some sort, a raincoat and then either a leather jacket or some sort of warmer jacket for Autumn.

A couple of midi dresses that you can wear with trainers, or later in the year with boots.

That would sort you until it gets cold.

Totally normal to have a wardrobe crisis at that point. I did too!

The biggest thing I found made a difference is going more subtle. Virtually every mum will be slightly rushed so they tend to lean towards a good haircut and some subtle makeup like a tinted moisturiser and some cheek tint. Low maintenance is key. Then clothes wise I found arket crew tees were a god send, plus some well fitted jeans and a decent bra to make it all more structured. Midi dresses and trainers are also popular. Subtle jewellery - again, low maintenance - so something like small gold hoops and a basic chain. Put the effort in to the stuff that makes the rest look classier which is usually good quality basics, decent underwear, and a nice haircut.

Don't try to change everything that makes you you, but don't feel like you need to make all that effort either! Most people have their one thing that shows personality - maybe a strong eyeliner or a bright top for example. It's just everything else is kept simple for ease.

Sheerluxe on YouTube is good for a look at what people wear in these sort of social circles. A lots of the presenters are parents with children at private schools. They show a lot of designer clothes but really all the styles filter down into the high street and I would say nothing too skimpy and showy and you really can't go far wrong.

Slightly off topic but I'd love to know what your freelance WFH career is that, at 24 has already enabled you to send your child to private school!

Please don't change yourself too much OP.