I’ve let myself down. How can I start taking care again?

[Garysmum]

Long post apologies. Recommend you make a brew!

I have always been a big girl - I’m very tall with a larger frame and spent my teens and early adulthood as a 14/16 with a bmi of 24/25. Pear shaped so the huge disadvantage of wider hips and hideous solid legs despite a small waist and narrow rib cage.

After DC I was huge. A size 20 and obese. So I lost weight slowly over years and ended up taking it too far - size 6 (at 5’11) and bmi of 16. Food was the enemy. I was too tired to exercise. But I looked amazing in clothes, never had so many compliments including from strangers.
I have an just alternative style bearing in mind I have a professional job. But was able to wear outfits that made me look and feel amazing such as black shift dresses, pencil skirts, slim trousers and tailored shirts. Out of work skinny jeans, biker jackets,short denim skirts.

Finally decided I needed to put some weight on and slowly crept up to bmi of 20 at which point I took up exercise and stopped smoking.
Unfortunately the combination of the two made me hungry and I’m now plump again. Those solid legs are back. I’m a size 12 bmi 24 and I do have a mini tyre despite exercising hard for 12 hours a week.

I hate my body. I have no clothes that suit. I should add I have super muscled legs. Not chubby but solid thighs that belong on a size 16 me and not 12!

I feel so hideous despite being very fit. I will cut down portions again as I’m clearly eating too much. But what can I do style wise?

Big thighs look awful in trousers. So im stuck with a-line skirts and dresses I think. I still have a smaller waist. But being closer to 50 than 40 means I need to find clothes that don’t show too much.
I also hate stuff like Boden, Joules, joe Browns etc. nice but not on me.

I hate my body
hideous solid legs
I feel so hideous

OP you speak so horribly about yourself.
All the fabulous outfits in the world won't change how you feel if this is the lens you view yourself through.
I'd normally suggest reconnecting with your body through exercise, but you say you're fit & exercise regularly.

I'm sorry, not much help. But your post made me sad, you don't need to hate yourself over how your body naturally distributes fat.

But being closer to 50 than 40 means I need to find clothes that don’t show too much.

Oh, bollocks to that! Nearing 50 doesn't mean you have to cover yourself up. Show off your best bits - make the most of your small waist and your toned legs - I bet they look amazing.

No one notices your legs like you do, you see yourself worse than others see you.

Maybe a BMI of 22 would work well for you then?

With regards to your legs, try stretches and Pilates to lengthen and lean them. What exercise do you do currently? Maybe that’s bulking your leg muscles up?

Have you tried wide leg trousers, high waisted and belted, with a sweater tucked in? You can wear either flats or heels with that, and go for a kind of 70s look if you like that. If you have a small waist but don’t like your legs then it might be a really stunning look for you.

I also came in to recommend wide leg trousers. Keep them in a fluid dark fabric, cinch in your waist and wear colour or pattern on your top half to draw the eye up.

Find some instagrammers with similar body shapes and be inspired by their outfits. She does wear a lot of colour and print but I think Erica Davies is pear shaped

And agree with the poster who said you really don't need to hate yourself, maybe something like some self guided CBT would help you rethink your relationship with your body. Best of luck.

I'm finding it hard to believe that at 5'11 and a size 12 that you haven't got a fantastic figure. You must have been tiny at a size 6. Presumably you mean uk 6? If you exercise and have large thighs are they muscular? I think tight on the thighs and a flared bottom would work well, think boot cut style, as the flare would balance the thigh. Or straight but tight ish thigh and loose hem.

Sorry, just reread and they are muscular. I say show them off. I bet your figure is amazing.

i'm 5'1'' and size 12, and yet, I can relate to some of your post.

For decades I felt like I owed it to some 'public' to have a conventionally normal body. I felt like I was contractually obliged to be taller. I felt like I was letting people down, walking around being only 5'1''

At some point I got over this but I'm still berating myself for having a bmi of 26 at only 5'1''.

Have you looked in to the practice or the discipline of self-compassion at all? Kirsten Neff and Chris Germer.
They have a lot of talks about self-compassion and acceptance.

I hope that you do find the clothes that suit you and spark a love for fashion again but you don't owe it to anybody to be the right weight, heigt, shape, bmi.

It's all subjective and who has the perfect body and do you like people less when they're not like underwear models?

A size 12 at 5 foot 11 and a bmi of 20 is very slim!

Op I think maybe talk to your gp about counselling for body dysmorphia. You are talking about restricting food when you already do a LOT of exercise!

Fwiw I've put on 3 stone since I had my youngest and I'm just starting to lose it. Looking back at photos I was very slim with a bmi of 23/24 but I know I still didn't "feel" slim so I can easily see how you can hate your body.

Now im bigger I follow people on social media who have s similar body size/ figure to me and see how they dress! They look fabulous and im trying hard to love myself even whilst im at the start of my weight loss journey!

Some of your description sounds like my figure....and my figure is fine....I'm sure it's not as bad as you think op xxx

I'm 5ft10, when I was in the grips of an eating disorder my bmi was 18.5, not classed as underweight but I certainly was too thin and people were worried about me. I was 9st 3lb. I look my best at a size 12 and around 10st 6lbs. I'm slightly over weight now and unhappy but I am on the cusp of a normal weight/bmi. When I was thin I'd take people's concern as compliments, I reveled in being told how thin I had got, even my boss took me aside for a chat as she was worried. It's easy to get carried away but in reality Op your just 'missing' being super slim and you're not seeing your new body for what it is. I'm sure you look gorgeous it just takes some getting used too.

Just to add, I look my best at 10st 10lbs not 10st 6lb. My natural weight is around 11st 10lbs. This is my weight when I'm eating healthy and not drinking too much alcohol or snacking on rubbish.

Blimey OP, I don't think such hatred of your own body is healthy!! You're only a size 12! I sound exactly like you - I'm 47, size 12, tall, pear shaped with a large bum and thighs. My bum and thighs are out of proportion to rest of my body. BUT I don't hate my body! I don't mind having a bigger bottom and legs. I used to but now I'm older I accept who I am. I think my shape gives me nice, womanly curves. I like the fact I don't have a huge stomach (although it is slightly flabby), I like the fact that being pear shaped I'm less likely to store fat around my organs. There are loads of clothes that suit our shape! I have lots of jeans, skirts and dresses that look really nice on me and flatter my figure. I also starved myself to a size 6 once and thought I looked great but it wasn't sustainable. Looking back at photos I can see I had a big lollipop head and no boobs and I was miserable and hungry. I'm much happier and healthier now. You need to try and love yourself.

Thank you all. @BusterGonad your comments reasonate. I think I might be about 11st 10 amd 10st10 is perfect for me.
It’s amazing that the one stone extra has caused a complete change of view for me.

I'm glad I could help, it's very difficult to accept the change but you are healthier now and that's the main thing.

I’m 6ft, 11stone, size 8 to 10 and look very toned - 3 things help me stay slim and fit - at least 15,000 steps a day (I run 5 days a week, even running for 30 minutes gets around half that, it’s not such a big time commitment), avoiding sugary processed foods, and drinking lots of water.

Thick thighs and small waist are the current look, flaunt it!