Early 40s, I look quite ‘dated’ but don’t know how to fix it.

[AliasGrape]

I’m just heading out for drinks/ a late lunch with friends for only the second time since I had a baby just over a year ago - well since before that really what with lockdowns etc.

I know I look a bit dated and not really in keeping with what people are wearing these days but I’m not quite sure how to get it right.

I’ve lost a bit of weight recently so had to dig into bags of older stuff to find something to wear which hasn’t helped. I’m still a size 16, and I’m 5ft 7.

I’m wearing a black above the knee skirt in a kind of textured fabric, a long sleeve black and white top - high neck - in a fabric that kind of gives the impression of being sheer but isn’t. Both are Dorothy Perkins so not exactly high end! I have opaque black tights on and black ankle boots with a slight heel, what used to be called back in the day ‘a boyfriend blazer’ over the top.

It’s too much black which isn’t really my colour but it was slim pickings in my wardrobe this morning.

I feel like I’ve forgotten how to dress since maternity/ lockdown wear and basically living in leggings and tops since having dd.

I think I’d feel better in jeans but I got rid of the thinner sizes and the ones I kept are now too big. I don’t know what shape/ style to go for.

I struggle with what to wear on my feet. I broke my foot a few years ago and need reasonable support. Ankle boots are comfortable but don’t work with everything or the ones I have don’t anyway. I see everyone wearing white trainers with everything but I never feel like I can quite pull that off somehow. I don’t think I’m buying the right ones of those either.

I’m a mostly SAHM on a tight budget, but I’m not against buying better brands second hand if I knew where to look. I have just started some freelance work so am hoping to have a little to spend on some more up to date things, I just don’t know where to start.

Today I have my long hair just blow dried straight as couldn’t think what else to do with it. Red lipstick as I felt like I needed some colour but that doesn’t seem right either now! I have good (big but not bad in a decent bra) boobs, ok arms, ok legs - everything in between is not so great. On the leg front - I do have a lot of bruises and random marks which puts me off going bare legged though, just because I’m clumsy and bruise if you so much as look at me. Not that bare legged will be an issue as we go into winter I guess.

I’ve always looked best in v neck type t dresses and wrap dresses but they just feel very mumsy all of a sudden and I’m bored of them. I have a sort of hourglass shape which is supposed to be a positive thing but it’s a fat hourglass so a lot of the suggestions for that shape don’t really work. I’m 41 - did I say that already? If it means anything people are generally pretty surprised by that and I think I look a few years younger but that’s mostly weight I think. I’ve found some exercise and a way of eating that are really working for me and the weight is coming off pretty easily, but I’m always going to be around a 14 I think, it’s just my build - big hips and fairly broad back/ shoulders.

Can anyone give me any pointers at all for how I can freshen up my look a bit and not look so much like an old has been? I don’t want to and am never going to achieve a cutting edge fashion look but I would like to update it a bit. Needs to be fairly low maintenance as I have a young toddler and am working into the night after she goes to bed most nights so I really haven’t got the energy most mornings for much (on a normal day it’s just tinted moisturiser and a pony tail and I generally look a mess then too!)

Id love to hear ideas for what sort of styles I should be looking at for clothes/ shoes/ hair and make up even! What shops are good on a budget? I’m less concerned about casual stuff but more for on the odd occasion I do get out with grown ups. Also I have a conference coming up connected to my freelance work so I’d like to know where to look for something for that.

Trouser/Jean wise it’s all about flares/looser fit and is a good look-however so not wear with boots otherwise you get the bootcut/mum boots thing going on. Vega are good trainers-comfy and stylish-not cheap but you could try eBay or vinted for second hand.

Try not to go with really loose or over sized tops/sweater as they have the tendency to make you look bigger IMO.

Have you tried shirt dresses? Always comfortable and can be dressed up or down quite easily with either trainers or boots.

Sooty just saw you needed where to shop-I must admit I buy a few things from mint velvet/Hobbs/hush/John Lewis-they are more expensive but last longer and look good for longer. Quality of fabric means they tend to hang better as well which always helps.

Do you have time to go into boots and have a make over for some up to date tips and pointers?

Simple but well done is my motto-nails done nicely-even just filed and clear varnish so they are neat. Clean shoes and handbag rather than the one that gets dragged everywhere etc. Hair tidy, even if pinned up.

Have a look at what others in the restaurant are wearing and see what you like. It sounds like you're a bit overdressed for the occasion, these days the style is a bit more luxe casual I think, and smart trainers are still vaguely fashionable, or brogues.

Go on Pinterest and search ‘size 16 fashion ideas’ and loads of stuff will come up, you can pin the pics you like to a board for next time you go shopping. It sounds like you would suit this sort of thing.

Firstly (if you haven’t already left) aren’t you really hot in all those clothes? I’m not in the warmest part of the country and it’s t shirt weather here.

Weight change is such a bugger for messing up one’s wardrobe … I do recognise that.

If your lunch was today you’ve left it too late to consider any suggestions here … I would have said that perhaps a short black skirt and opaque tights were a little formal / corporate for a Saturday afternoon. (Although of course your group of friends may have an entirely different style to me.) A pair of luxurious looking almost-tracksuit trousers, a deep v neck t shirt and your excellent-sounding blazer might have worked. With some slightly dressy footwear - not dressy - more celebratory, to balance the casual clothes. Something in gold.

But I hope you’re having a brilliant lunch, whatever you wore!

Thank you all! Really helpful to have some ideas for a place to start!

For an idea on contemporary casual dressing have a look at

Free People.

I’ve found myself losing hours on their site, even though I have no real need for most of what they’re selling.

Uniqlo might be a sensible place to start if you want to update without spending too much money. Despite being horrified by the drabness of their stores (and thus by the content, too) I found over lockdown that some of their stock - tartan flannel trousers for example, worked wonderfully for not-going-out. And one or two things from the Jil Sander collaboration have exceeded expectations (despite relatively cheap fabric.) Shockingly well designed - look out for the next one.

Style-wise - & Other Stories editorials always suggest new ways of putting clothes together. (Even if not everything is of the quality one might prefer.)

I envy you your height! You shouldn’t have much difficulty finding exciting additions to your wardrobe, if you have the time to experiment.

Have you tried finding some Instagrammers to follow who are about your age and whose outfits you like? I'm a bit older than you (50 next month) and had been really stuck in a rut for years clothes-wise and just not even cared tbh. I found one particular woman on IG and I just love her look. I've bought a few new things and feel like I'm on an upward spiral now!

Btw the Instagrammer account is called thesilvercat but she might not be your style!

@Edmontine

Firstly (if you haven’t already left) aren’t you really hot in all those clothes? I’m not in the warmest part of the country and it’s t shirt weather here.

Weight change is such a bugger for messing up one’s wardrobe … I do recognise that.

If your lunch was today you’ve left it too late to consider any suggestions here … I would have said that perhaps a short black skirt and opaque tights were a little formal / corporate for a Saturday afternoon. (Although of course your group of friends may have an entirely different style to me.) A pair of luxurious looking almost-tracksuit trousers, a deep v neck t shirt and your excellent-sounding blazer might have worked. With some slightly dressy footwear - not dressy - more celebratory, to balance the casual clothes. Something in gold.

But I hope you’re having a brilliant lunch, whatever you wore!

Please could you recommend some luxurious looking almost-tracksuit trousers? They sound amazing . Thank you.

Firstly enjoy your afternoon out with friends.

On trend isn’t as important as well fitting and classic. You can punctuate your wardrobe with a few seasonal pieces.

Jeans - find a style that suits you. Skinny is very dated but slim fit is often a flattering way to get out of skinnies without taking a leap to on trend. Slim fit flares are lovely too.

Good boobs… don’t swamp them in a baggy top! Fitted T-shirt, fitted blouse, Breton etc.

A blazer that gives you a waist… boyfriend isn’t for everyone.

A shirt dress (Dove or Kensington style) can be worn with trainers/sandals/ankle boots/knee high boots etc. Can layer with knitwear/denim jacket too.

A good blow dry, a few light curls in the ends?
Nails short, filed and polished - even clear - will make you feel better.
Curl your eyelashes.
Moisturise your body.
Tinted lip balm.

Hi OP

Have you tried stitchfix? It's a personal shopper / subscription service.

You go through a questionnaire of what you want to achieve style wise / what items you want / occasion / budget and they send you a box of stuff (with suggestion cards of how to style each piece). It costs £10 a box (you choose the frequency) but they take that off the price if you buy anything. You can send as much back as you like and they also welcome feedback for future deliveries.

It's not for everyone and can be a a bit hit and miss but I found it quite good, especially after a few deliveries. Plus it was like Christmas every time a box arrived, getting to gleefully go through what they'd picked - could be worth a try especially as you only have £10 to lose if it's not for you. You can basically give them the brief you gave here?

Ps I promise I don't work for them!

@AliasGrape can you post some photos? It’s a bit difficult to visualize. Fromyou description you look it might all be in your head.

In general though maybe less black would be better? Ot might look too harsh as we get older so maybe that’s why you fell you look dated?

Chunky Chelsea boots are going to be big this winter, flat ones should be easy to walk in.

I agree with AnaViaSalamanca it is hard to visualise without a picture.

I've been gradually updating my wardrobe for about a year I'm a size large 14 top and 16 bottom with an hourglass figure and 5ft 8. I'm carrying weight round my lower waist (typical post baby).

I find high waisted/belted jeans, trousers and skirts work on me so the mum style jeans are great. I do wear a lot of dresses though as they are easy to just put on and go plus I like dresses. There's so many styles about it's hard to say what is in or out except maybe gingham which definitely appears to be everywhere

I'm buying mostly from Next but usually their Mix line which is designer collaborations, I use Next as they are close to me and I can order lots try different styles and then send back if it doesn't work without worrying about my bank account taking a big hit.

I also like Mint velvet, Phase eight & Libby loves for pretty dresses.

I've found it really helpful watching and posting on what you are wearing today. The act of taking a picture of my outfit really helps me see what works and what doesn't.

I really don’t think people should feel obliged to provide photos of themselves in return for advice … That’s one hell of a lot of stress. I’m not on SM and wouldn’t dream of placing identifiable photos of myself on an anonymous forum.

MN is for discussion, not approval ratings …

Yeah you need Stitch Fix.

Tronkmanton Inevitably, being put on the spot, I can’t find exactly what I was thinking of. So these are a vague approximation, not necessarily perfect colours, at various price points. I saw someone in a gorgeous pair of silky track suit trousers with a red and cream stripe down the side - worn with a blazer and trainers. Looked marvellous.

Edmontine I am not saying the OP has to provide a picture in exchange for advice just it's hard to visualise. The OP is perfectly entitled to go no thanks.

If you look I've actually offered advice.

In S&B people post anonymised and non anonymised pictures. I post a picture nearly every day as I have said it really helps me.

I am not at all worried if anyone identified me, if they did all they would know is what I was wearing that day, which if they know me they may well have seen anyway.

I also don't post anything on MN I wouldn't say in real life or post about my DH Penis beaker sex life, therefore I am perfectly happy to post and sometimes I also ask for advice on the outfit.

You are allowed your different perspective on posting images online but that doesn't mean we can't say I can't visualise what your outfit is like OP could you post a picture. Finally post a picture could be just a image of the items not the OP.

OP I hope you're having a fab lunch!
I recommend looking at sites like:
ME+EM - lots of the luxe jogger pants mentioned already
Wyse - not all modelled by 20 year olds
Sezane -gorgeous smart casual options
Whistles - again diverse age of models
Anthropologie

These may all be out of your budget but they're really great for seeing ideas / inspiration for outfits/ styling & once you've seen styles that appeal to you, you'll know what to look out for in less expensive shops/ sales etc

Before I got distracted by the merits or not of posting a photo on MN I came back to say M&S for jeans. I'm going to buy these probably next month (I've spent to much this month).
Mom jeans they are soft and very flattering.

Although I might go for Levi's just don't fancy the non stretch as it can be stiff.

I mean this could be me - I'm the same height, shape, size and pretty much age too! I also have a 2-year old. So I feel your pain. I think a few simple things to start with would be to try to define your style first - otherwise you just keep buying random bits hoping they'll somehow fit together. This sounds serious but it's really not. Just choose a few key words to define your look and then look at contemporary (but not necessarily trendy) clothes to match. Mine was classic with a bit of an edge - French chic meets rock chick. This helps as it cuts down on what I even look at online when shopping.
Second, find out which colours suit you and stick to those. YouTube is full of tutorials on how you can do that.
Then, check out what trendy people you admire are wearing and see what appeals to you. I've even stopped people on the street to ask where their top is from. Try on things you don't plan on buying- you might be surprised by what suits you.
In the last year, I've bought culottes, straight-leg jeans and mock-neck tops.... all things I didn't think would suit me but did.

Sorry, I just read your message again and realised you were looking for a more specific advice. I love wearing cardigans at home but I find then a bit frumpy with a dress. PP made a good point about a tailored blazer - that matched with a simple t-shirt and some relaxed-fit jeans is a good look. I got a few slightly more exciting tops from Kin at JL - and a few from Uniqlo and Muji. All my jeans are m&s which I really rate right now.
Otherwise, I have a faux leather skirt which I love wearing with a thin-knit jumper and boots - it suits my shape and is a bit more exciting than a wrap dress (nothing against wrap dresses, though)

Thank you all again. Sorry just coming back to this, so many good ideas both for where to find inspiration and specific shops and styles to try so I'm looking forward to getting started.

I was posting from the train station on my way out so a bit late to do anything about it for yesterday but it had just got me thinking for next time really. Will definitely think about posting a picture next time for more specific advice!

Oh and yes I was a bit overdressed and indeed too hot, I did have a lovely time though. I did enjoy having a good look round and paying attention to what everyone else was wearing, I don't think I normally do that beyond just thinking 'oh they look nice' so trying to be a bit more aware will hopefully help too.

I also struggle and have an awkward figure as no waist, no real hips and short and a big tummy with weight all around my back. This year I discovered Hush and I found their clothes really easy to wear, great quality fabrics and stylish. I bought their black jumpsuit - strappy and casual with Tracky bottom style cuffs a real saver. It hangs beautifully, can be dressed up and down and pushed up to knee length on hot days.