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Original poster

Hair - oh dear

15 replies

DumbestBlonde · 13/05/2021 08:57

I recently reconnected with someone I know* - and in the course of the conversations we have had, it has turned out that she has - for reasons not entirley clear, but probably connected to mental health issues and possibly her living situation - not washed her hair for nearly three years (!). No judgement, but Good Grief...... And it's not been a case of the no-shampoo "fad" - literally (apparently) no washing of any sort.

I couldn't see how her hair is, as she has worn a baseball cap (sort of outdoorsy-type), or a wig (she said) when we have met. But after a phone call a couple of nights ago, it now seems that she is getting blemishes on her shoulder area and side of her face (usually very clear skinned), which I suspect but have not yet seen (and wouldn't know anyway for sure) might be bites of some kind.

She has said she won't go to a hairdresser, and my thoughts are it is probably better to shave off or cut very short and "start again", or just keep the crop. I would help, but I don't know where to begin....

Before I say any more to her about it, I hope I can get some advice on what to suggest, or try, in order to help, as it is an utterly shocking and awful situation. I realise there must be an underlying cause to be got to the bottom of but, if for now, something can be done on a practical level, it would be very important I believe.

*She is my "lonng-lost" sister (not a user of MN, so she won't see this). We were split apart when very small (me 3, her 18months younger) and didn't really meet until mid-teens and then a disaster, so our relationship has always been hard. I am sort of honoured she has connected with me and taken me into her confidence, but she must have been desperate to do so.

OP posts:

Thighdentitycrisis · 13/05/2021 09:01

Sounds like she does want to do something about it by telling you

I would offer to wash and cut it for her if you can

Original poster

DumbestBlonde · 13/05/2021 09:09

@Thighdentitycrisis

Sounds like she does want to do something about it by telling you

I would offer to wash and cut it for her if you can

I think she does, or maybe she was offloading, or wanted to "shock" me or elicit symapthy for the bigger situation (which I am not yet clear on). Like I said, our relationship has been quite tricky (if not non-existent mostly), apart from a few periods of connection - but not for quite a while - so I want to be careful.

Surely, if hair has been left untended (combed and clipped up but that's all), the pores (follicles?) might have affected the growth, so would there be a point trying to retain it. Oh, that sounds awful.... and these bites, or whatever they are?

What a thing to try and help with - when we are not especially close (maybe that is why she told me?)..... She was SO glamorous and probably a bit high-maintenence when we were closer in our very early 20s, and now well -- There must be something deeper going on (which I fully understand).

OP posts:

userxx · 13/05/2021 09:14

Does she have long hair? Does she have the means to wash it, shower facility?

Deux · 13/05/2021 09:19

Is her hair matted? I think that’ll be key as
To what can be done. If not, there’s no reason it can’t be washed now.

If she has let her general hygiene slip, the blemishes could be a result of unwashed bedding.

Original poster

DumbestBlonde · 13/05/2021 09:24

@userxx

Does she have long hair? Does she have the means to wash it, shower facility?

As far as I know (not seen it yet) - it "is" just about shoulder length but pretty much shapeless and very very fine and easily tangles (she said). Growing out of her scalp at funny angles? Due to blocked ?follicles? maybe..... Yes, she has a shower etc in her property.....But has told me that she worries about the "black stuff" that comes in the pipes (for example, uses bottled water for teeth brushing); maybe that has played a part too..... I don't like to quiz her too much, but I do want to help somehow. Maybe I am offloading too? But any advice would be so welcome.

OP posts:

Original poster

DumbestBlonde · 13/05/2021 09:29

@Deux

Is her hair matted? I think that’ll be key as To what can be done. If not, there’s no reason it can’t be washed now.

If she has let her general hygiene slip, the blemishes could be a result of unwashed bedding.

She said she combs it through every day and puts up or back ina clip - and then under the cap or wig... So it cannot be too too matted.

But the hair - which I must say I am surprised hasn't simply fallen out - sounds as though it is not of great quality now.

Yes, probably another aspect of this causing the bites (don't look like bed bug bites though, which I have had the misfortune of seeing before....). I admit I had visions of creepy crawlies coming out at night when the cap or wig is off and then taking chunks out of her face - which is one thing she IS still (sort of, it seems - although maybe that's an issue too) taking care of to an extent. But not the way she did.

OP posts:

thedevilinablackdress · 13/05/2021 12:55

I think you may be being a bit dramatic OP. If she has been brushing it, it won't be married and can likely be washed fine.
Spots are probably just that - spots or blocked pores.
There's obviously something going on with her, but don't make the hair thing into a huge deal talking about creepy crawlies. Help her with it calmly if that's what she wants.

thedevilinablackdress · 13/05/2021 12:56

matted, not married!

CeeceeBloomingdale · 13/05/2021 12:58

Could she have nits? When my kids had them one of them had a rash (probably from scratching)

CombatBarbie · 13/05/2021 13:04

The black water in the pipes, is it because they simply need running through? Your hair will naturally go into self clean after about 3 weeks and if she can get a comb through it that's a good sign.

I gather distance is an issue? The bites could be from bed bugs, a roque mosquito or midges.... Or even fleas.

Lougle · 13/05/2021 13:06

I agree with @thedevilinablackdress. So she hasn't washed her hair. It's no big deal. She probably needs to use a clarifying shampoo - they tend to be clear and lemon scented. She may need to wash with a normal shampoo initially, to get some of the grime out, then a clarifying shampoo, then a normal shampoo again, then conditioner on the mid lengths and ends.

Original poster

DumbestBlonde · 13/05/2021 17:47

@thedevilinablackdress

I think you may be being a bit dramatic OP. If she has been brushing it, it won't be married and can likely be washed fine. Spots are probably just that - spots or blocked pores. There's obviously something going on with her, but don't make the hair thing into a huge deal talking about creepy crawlies. Help her with it calmly if that's what she wants.

I'm not being dramatic towards her - and certainly haven't said anything that might sound as though I am disgusted. But I did wonder if there mught be something that has set up camp if her hair has not been shampooed for so long - or, as she now tells me, she has been sleeping on the sofa (itself secondhand) for three years as well (yes, she has a bed and a bedroom.....) - apparently tinnitus or something similar means she needs the TV on to fall asleep.

I'm not sure yet what she truly wants me to do - it just seemed like a confession and almost for shock value.... I don't really know. I DO feel sorry about it, and our lack of communication (which I thought was her choice), so this is a big thing to try to deal with nicely when we are the way we are.

From the way I understand it, having read a little, the scalp - and thus the hair emerging from it - will have been affected and something called "miniaturisation" happens, so the hair might grow out, but is very fine and weak. It's easy (not really) for me to say, on here - but maybe shaving/a buzz cut would be the best way forward..... I don't know what there is to salvage.

OP posts:

FreekStar · 13/05/2021 18:08

Missing the point of the thread, but how can hair 'self clean?' I've seen people who don't ever wash their hair and it looks and smells disgusting! Even my cat's fur doesn't 'self clean'- they have to wash it and if they don't it gets manky!

Tehmina23 · 13/05/2021 19:10

Now your friend has confided in you wait until she mentions it again then if you want to, say do you feel up to having some help to wash her hair?

Should this friend want you to wash her hair you need to somehow say that you've seen the bites, is her scalp itchy?

Lice & fleas prefer freshly washed hair but if there are bites then some could have taken up residence.
I have seen this on very mentally unwell self neglecting people as I work in a hospital... it is pretty obvious if the hair is infested once it's down & you start to comb through it.
A hair salon may not want to touch infested hair...

The next step is up to you, how far do you want to be involved.

If she asks you to wash her hair & you agree then you need to be prepared with gloves & plastic apron for yourself, and suitable treatment for head lice and/or even fleas, plus a good moisturising shampoo & a conditioner.

But prepare your friend for the fact that even though you can treat the lice or whatever, if the hair is very matted or falls out then once the lice are dealt with then the next step is a salon.

Original poster

DumbestBlonde · 13/05/2021 19:31

@Tehmina23

Now your friend has confided in you wait until she mentions it again then if you want to, say do you feel up to having some help to wash her hair?

Should this friend want you to wash her hair you need to somehow say that you've seen the bites, is her scalp itchy?

The next step is up to you, how far do you want to be involved.

But prepare your friend for the fact that even though you can treat the lice or whatever, if the hair is very matted or falls out then once the lice are dealt with then the next step is a salon.

Thank you - this is so valuable.
Maybe the blemishes ARE just blemishes if there is not an infestation..... I didn't think of fleas though, I'm not sure if she has a cat or access to one; possibly.

She must be so depressed to have this happen; I am sorry I didn't know before.

I will wait - I think - for her to tell me what she wants to do (if I can), but not just shrug it off. I am sure she will feel to bad to go to a salon - especially nowadays, so i must do what I can.

(I have clipped horses, so could give the buzz cut a go.)

OP posts:

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