How to get the confidence up to wear half my wardrobe

[TatteredOwls]

I've no idea what's wrong with me so I can only assume it's a confidence issue. I'm not wearing approximately 3/4s of my clothes due to not feeling confident enough. I'm 5 ft 3 and a size 14 and just feel so weird and frumpy in everything. I'm 49 and try and choose on trend stuff without going full on everything BooHoo has to offer. I'm aware I can't wear hot pants

I have a new ish camo jacket from wolf + Bird. It's nice, it's pretty trendy. I go to wear it and just think ' Christ - you've no business wearing this at your age!'

Same for my denim jacket. I feel like mutton in my - very plain and very expensive - leather jacket. I feel silly in trendy dresses. I bought some Grenson boots a few years back - feel all self conscious in them!

I wear a lot of scamp and dude and funnily enough feel fine on those. Maybe because they're leisure stuff

Anyway. It's really restricting me and I want to enjoy my clothes and wearing them. Any tips?

It's a funny thing, we sorry what others might think of us, but generally speaking other people are busy with their own worries. We've got lots on our minds and when we're out and about, I don't think we're worrying about what others are wearing. So don't overdo think it. Other people aren't focused on you and your outfit.

@DownUdderer I think those are wise words. I think I'll wear my leather jacket today and ease myself in! And just think 'nobody gives a shit that you feel a bit weird in your coat'

I get what you mean and I have found a good trick is to wear your good / new stuff in a bit by mixing it with older stuff and wearing it to places like the supermarket so you get used it it before wearing it to meet friends and feel all self conscious.

I'm similar age and am 'breaking in' new jeans styles at the moment as I leave trusty skinny jeans behind.

Wear your leather jacket with something comfortable and casual a few times before you try it with a dress for instance. Same with your boots (envy!) and before long you'll be flinging on the dress with the jacket with the boots!

You really do deserve to wear all your nice things and I bet you will look fabulous in them!

You must have thought they looked good on you when you bought them. If you feel you look good I think we exude a confidence just from feeling good. The “rules” about what to wear at x age are all bollocks.

@UniBallEye what a nice message and yes you're so right. I've gone with the camo jacket with some trusty hush pants and a Breton t shirt

@VanCleefArpels no no. I just see something I like on someone hip and cool and order it online without a second thought to how it might translate on to a short, slightly chubby 49 year old

I relate to losing confidence and, when it comes to dressing, found it helpful to learn the difference between reality and prejudice. So I find style advice that acknowledges how bodies change with age can be quite helpful (although if push comes to shove, I still trust my own instincts). On that score I think denim and leather can be very kind to ageing bodies because they add structure, whereas viscose, modal, and even linen if it's poor quality, not so much.
And then there is other advice that's rooted in the idea that middle aged and old women shouldn't take any interest in fashion, and even compares women who do to pieces of meat.

Once I'd disentangled the two schools of thought and discarded one of them it was much easier.

My other tip is to get older. I've been a much more confident dresser since coming out of the menopause and realising that no-one noticed me or my mistakes any more so I might as well dress to please myself.

Please wear them, I am so fed up with people wearing lounge wear it would be nice to see someone in something different.

Sorry I forgot, another tip based on personal experience: get a bra fitting as soon as restrictions permit. I went through a phase in my late 40s / early 50s of thinking all my favourite clothes looked wrong, until I realised my boobs had grown from a B cup to an F cup without my even noticing.

I cleave to the mantra that beauty is a form of protest (against stereotyping, against the ugliness in life, against the accepted trope of invisibility ...)

The older I get (and I'm considerably older than you, OP,) the more vital it feels that I acknowledge and celebrate my own existence - and that people should see me doing so. So I buy the most extravagantly wonderful clothes I possibly can and then hide in the house in full hazmat and wear them with pride.

@MayIDestroyYou I like this mantra and have decided to pinch it for myself. I wore very inappropriate pink strappy sandals to the supermarket today and bloody loved it. I am 47

Some fantastic responses and it feels like you get exactly where I'm coming from.

The strange thing is I work in the beauty industry myself so god knows where this has come from!

I don't even own a pair of shoes anymore! It's all trendy trainers, Grenson boots and some acne pistol boots that I have worn 3 times in the 5 years I've had them.

I may say though that I DO feel an age restriction to certain things and although I subscribe to the viewpoint that women should wear what they want, for me, I try and temper it a bit. I wouldn't wear a mini skirt for example because I know it'd age me.

The problem comes when I'm thinking that a leather jacket is looking silly on me. I had an All Saints one that I felt was looking stupid on me so I gave it to my daughter and bought a butter soft, very plain, Jagaer one for 400 quid. Still to wear it and I've had it 18 months

@Floisme that's a really good post

I think it can be a case of "it's not what you wear, it's how you wear it" with some things. I'm a wee bit younger, and I happily wear mini-ish skirts - but only with 100 denier opaque tights, flat shoes/boots/trainers, and a crew or polo-neck jumper. (I would feel ridiculous in bare legs, short skirt, heels, and strappy top, but that's not my style anyway.)

I'm a big believer in "high/low" dressing - so a lovely dress with trainers and a denim jacket, a leather or sequinned skirt with a big chunky knit or whatever. It also clicked with me a few years ago which items of clothing I should be spending more money on, and this was REALLY useful. I'm a size 10, but have a big bum/hips, and a small waist. Getting trousers that fit well can be really tricky, so I now pay more from eg Cos or Whistles, but am happy with cheap t-shirts from Zara or H&M. If something pulls or doesn't sit quite right, I find it really irritating, and "go off" the item, sometimes before I have even worn it. Having a local tailor or dry cleaner that can do wee tweaks can also be a very useful thing, and tends not to cost very much.

I don't wear short skirts any more either, because my knees and my thighs are shot. On the other hand, I love cropped trousers because my ankles are still decent.

Likewise it might just be that the leather jacket wasn't a good shape for you. I was convinced I wanted a biker for my 60th, until I tried a few on and realised all they were far too busy for me. I got a second hand plain, straight, knee length leather coat instead which wasn't particularly in fashion (not exactly out of fashion either, just off the radar) and I'm still wearing it.

Just brought my first allsaints leather jacket in February, I'm 60, I'm yet to wear it, I tried lots on before a found the one, it is a biker style, but without all the hardware you get with most biker styles.

Yes ... It's definitely a matter of understanding what suits you. I have never in my life found a leather jacket that looks convincing on me, busy or plain, black or colourful - but, from my twenties onward, every single tweed jacket I put on looks made for me. Sometimes tweed jackets are so out of fashion that I have to ignore their call and choose something else.

I really want to swathe myself in expensively neutral cashmere (à la The Row), but invariably find myself exclaiming over a bright green silk thing with enormous ruffles ... I can't wait to throw out my lockdown hoodie; I look idiotic in it; and I'm not constrained by any corporate uniform, so only the practicalities of travel restrain my weird yearning for romance and drama in clothes. I can't imagine what I'd wear if I thought I was 'too old' for all the good stuff.

I know what you mean OP. I buy clothes for the lifestyle I think I should be living and spend my time in jeans, t-shirt and trainers.

The way round it is to wear one item at a time to somewhere where it doesn't matter too much.

Wear your denim jacket with your regular clothes when you're just nipping out to the shops, the grensons when you're just going for a walk, the camo jacket to the supermarket, or whatever, so you get a feel for them, then start building outfits you feel confident in.

Of course you can wear hot pants.

I wonder if it's more to do with the current general vibe rather than your clothes. I'm so used to wearing cosy indoor clothes for the past year, that it's difficult for me to even think about wearing more tailored items. I've been trying to make an effort recently even though I wfh.

@MayIDestroyYou brilliant words. I have taken a screen shot so I keep reminding myself this! Thank you

Its funny I never owned a pair of joggers, just not my style, I do wear leggings now and again and do like jogger style summer trousers with a straight leg, never a gathered leg style, in a light fabric not sweatshirt fabric, I did buy just before Christmas a pair of velour joggers from m& s, I should of returned them, I think it didn't help that were to long for my short legs so bunched up at the ankle , now I just wear them as indoor lounge wear.