Please Help Me

[AlohaMolly]

I’m 33. I have one DS4.

I’m 5 stone heavier than when I got pregnant, 1.5 stone gained over Christmas last year. I’m usually an hour glass shape, 5k’ 7” so usually carry the weight ok, but this last 1.5 stone is ugly on me.

I’ve been with DP for 6 years in April, we’ve had sex once since November 2016. I feel so unattractive and just hideous. I feel like shit, I look like shit. I want to feel better and looking better is going to help.

We live semi rurally, I do school runs. We walk a lot.

I wear foundation, mascara occasionally eye liner. I wear leggings and longline jumpers, sometimes hoodies.

Please can you help me? I don’t want to feel like this, I never used to look like this but I just can’t close the gap between now and then. I’m working on losing the weight, I just don’t know what I need to wear.

My hair is in hand, I have an excellent hairdresser, cuts it right, I have a half head of highlights regularly. I want lipstick. How do I find a shade of lipstick that suits me in lockdown? I’m mixed race, my father was half Bangladeshi, I’ve got very pale sallow(?) olivey skin, definitely tend towards the yellow end of the scale!

I want better clothes. I want to feel like I can throw an outfit together. I just want to feel better than I do. Can anyone help?

So you have two separate issues: your relationship and your wardrobe?

I don't honestly think that any improvement in the latter is going to make a difference to the former. But you don't say that you want your relationship to continue, anyway.

As this is S&B it might be helpful if you could say what size you are, roughly. It's not possible to guess from the details you've given and it might determine which online shops you can /should use. Also, what sort of budget do you have for clothes?

You don't mention work or study. As we are in lockdown you would probably have said if you were a frontline worker going out to work every day. How will you be spending your time outside the house once lockdown ends?

(You also don't mention any wider family or friends. Is there anyone to support you through weight loss and reinventing your wardrobe?)

And I thought I’d been thorough

I’m currently a size 16/18, carrying most of the weight as a spare tyre right on my hips.

I don’t think dressing better will fix my relationship but I think it will improve my self esteem and way I feel about myself, which might make DP see me differently. It also might help me feel like I have other options and be ok about leaving... I am having counselling too so whatever happens with DP, happens.

Budget is modest but will happily spend a bit.

I do have friends but where I live is full of very outdoorsy people, so even other mum friends or very thin and active and I don’t really feel comfortable involving them as I’m a bit ashamed of myself really.

I do work, it’s mostly admin but does involve checking properties, potentially abit of cleaning/changing lightbulbs. I’m only doing one day a week atm due to covid but usually do 2/3. Outside of work I’m usually with DS so in the park or playing at home or walking behind his bike! Once lockdown works I suppose it’ll mostly be similar really!

I'm actually a fan of the leggings and hoodie look but the key is to make it look stylish and put together rather than frazzled, no sleep, crumpled look. Easier said than done!

Good hair is a great step to achieving the look, also nicely kept nails with polish, some jewellery and nice bag and good shoes, maybe a good leather jacket for layering. If you have a look at Baukjen you'll see examples of how to style this way.

Another option is midi dresses, super comfortable, works with trainers, ballet flats or boots. Wear with thick tights in winter and bare legs in summer

Example of midi dress look

www.hush-uk.com/kensington-dress-scribble-flower-green/000487-3041-10.html?gclid=CjwKCAjwxuuCBhATEiwAIIIz0Ys5dWO6ZTAqxD17LRp2H1HbzKFLj8FjYrVoIiMpqW0zGgAYDuJPcRoCJiEQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds#fo_c=1586&fo_k=6782b84da5fa3a2cd8e375dc942b20f7&fo_s=gplauk

My DDs are half Bangladeshi so have the same skin tone as you, quite sallow, yellow toned. They come alive in vibrant jewel colours but really don't suit neutral earthy tones so much, such as camel, khaki and brown, which makes them look washed out. Do you like more vibrant colours?

Yes to vibrant colours! I don’t do pastels well but rich pinks and purples. I can cope with reds and burnt oranges, blues I’m not great with, but a good bright white in the summer always used to look lovely. I love yellow but can’t get away with most shades - mustard is ok if I’ve got a tan but it’s not the best for me. All the beige/camel tones out at the moment are Not The One.

What actually happens is I wear black and grey, obviously!

I do agree about leggings/hoodie. It has a time and a place and I’m happy to wear them for school runs and stuff, but it’s ended up being the only thing I wear!

When I was down at a ‘better’ weight, dresses were what I love. I LOVE the Nashville tea dress and cardigan style, so more relaxed than tea dress and short cardigan if that makes sense?

Okay. Starting with the easiest thing - I actually bought a lipstick online at the end of 2019, from Gucci. It is entirely possible that I fell irresistibly in love with the beautiful flower printed case - but the website made it ridiculously easy to choose a suitable colour by showing each lipstick on a variety of models with different skin tones. The one I chose was actually perfect for me. (More so than the countless lipsticks I've bought over a beauty counter.) So it is completely possible - I'm pretty sure other brands offer the same guidance.

As regards clothes - I'm aware there can be a significant difference in shopping for a regular size 16 as opposed to a regular size 18. They're both available in mainstream shops but it might be wise to choose mid-range rather than cheaper shops for a more flattering fit. And sizes are often much more generous the more you're willing to spend.

Other posters will have some specific suggestions!

My girls look gorgeous in deep pink and purples so I imagine you do too with spring/ summer coming up it's the ideal time to start wearing brighter colours and yes I agree pastels wouldn't look as good. I agree with a PP about midi dresses, especially if you like them. I find dresses so much easier and more comfortable to wear, you can just throw them on. Your skin tone would look nice with a boho style dress if you tan easily?

I think continue with the dress and cardigan look if that’s your preferred style. Buy a couple of cheaper dresses from somewhere like Matalan or Next. You don’t need to stretch to Hush prices while you are losing weight. There are plenty of brands with tiered/boho dresses at all price points. They are also more forgiving if you carry more weight on your hips.
For lipsticks that suit you look on YouTube for help. Once you work out roughly what shade suits you try a couple from somewhere inexpensive like Superdrug. Just keep wearing what makes you feel good right now. Dress for you and don’t compare yourself to other school mums.

I think I’ve got to the point where I look at nice dresses and think... but how dare I wear them? If that makes sense? Like, who am I to think that I deserve to dress up nicely and sure, don’t I have notions? It’s the same reason I refused to wear make up when I was younger - because I felt so ugly that I thought people would laugh at my efforts to put lipstick on a pig kind of thing.

I think PP is right about mid range price dresses. Cheap dresses don’t fall right on me now because of the fabric. I’d im wearing the right shape dress I’m a 16, which makes things a bit easier.

@AlohaMolly
I can relate totally, I'm very overweight and often think, what's the point in dressing nicely? Nothing will look good and why bother with makeup etc. I do get compliments when I make an effort though and I do feel better within so it is worth it. I always feel nicer when I wear jewellery too, I wear lots of bangles which make me feel more 'dressed'.

Ooh bangles! Where would you go for jewellery?

I had nice stuff before DS, but I sold it all

I wear lots of silver ones and find lots of different designs and options on Etsy, they're not expensive and often handmade.

You said upthread that you might feel better about leaving if you felt better about your appearance. I think you have this the wrong way around. I’ve never written LTB on mumsnet but if you want/need to leave then you must. A colleague friend of mine left a terrible marriage and I swear she grew a foot after she left him. She was physically weighed down by the stress and pressure of her marriage and I guess she was stooping, she was certainly in a ‘uniform’ of black and grey. We’ve worked together for nearly 10 years and she looks younger/better than when we met.
In terms of style, focus on one lovely dress that brings you joy then find the accessories like shoes or boots and they will the spark you into other things to wear with them and so on, so it’s a more organic process and less overwhelming.

If you don't mind secondhand then I recommend going round the charity shops when they reopen.
It's a great and inexpensive way to try different fabrics, colours and styles. You find brands you would never have known about, and can buy quality you might not splash out on new. You can get costume jewellery cheap as chips to play around with too.
Try YouTube for advice on lip colours and skin tone. Places like B&m and even Poundland do cheap lipsticks if you want to play with different colours. Avon do lipstick samples.
It's all trial and error, have fun with it. I'm apple shaped and would love to be hourglass like you

Another route might be to slightly tweak Procrastatron's excellent advice and seek out one beautiful accessory (spending more than you normally would). Then look for a couple of items of clothing to show it off. Then let your wardrobe grow organically from that.

(I also agree about not putting off addressing your relationship issues ...)

An old article, but some great lipstick recommendations.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2011/sep/02/sali-hughes-six-lipsticks-suit-everyone
Do look at YouTube as other posters have suggested, for excellent makeup tutorials.
Jo Edwards has some beautiful scarves and accessories - maybe a good place to look, and would cheer you up! Looking at museum shops (V&A, Tate etc) will give you ideas too...some lovely, often unusual accessories.
www.joedwardsretail.co.uk/
I bought some pretty things from here recently - very fast dispatch.
www.waterstreetgallery.co.uk/en/search/Jewellery/

John Lewis website is good for gathering ideas - so many brands, and different price ranges. Wishing you all the best.

I am our size and a fan of wrap dresses. The great thing is you can still get a lot of use from them as you lose weight because they are so adjustable. I have them for all seasons and they are very much "my look"
Different weights and prints, Sleeveless for summer can be used in winter with tops underneath, so cover 2 seasons. Heavier weight long sleeves in winter with boots. Sandals or trainers with summer. Love Hobbs, Joe Browns, Boden and charity shops. Lots of online sales at the moment. Totally agree about cheap dresses not hanging right!