SAHM stuck in a rut

[HannahS99]

I need help, what can I do to look better?

The past few years I’ve mainly been wearing jeans and t shirt. A mum wardrobe! I wear basic make up, hair tied back, don’t dye my hair. Basically plain and boring!

I really find it uncomfortable spending anytime focusing on myself eg shopping, I hate my figure and how I look and so i actively avoid shopping and I mainly buy things for the kids. Even online shopping can make me feel depressed for days.

What can I do to look better? I probably should wear more make up, but apart from wearing more of the same products? I’m not sure where to go.

What things do you think would make the biggest difference to my appearance? There’s nothing I like at the minute. Also, how much roughly should I spend? Is it worth paying more for a designer rather than high street top for example? Or only if you’ve a good figure?

I’m stuck in a rut, suggestions welcome

What resources do you have? Time? If your kids aren’t yet school age then it is hard because they’re around all the time and that’s not conducive to, well, anything very much as regards self-care.

If you can have a day to yourself I would suggest going to a big department store and asking for a make-up session with a brand you like. Just tell them that you’re wanting a fresher look or whatever and they should be able to talk to you about products and demonstrate for you. I don’t think you actually have to buy anything but you might end up liking it and even just a new lipstick might work wonders for you.

Then you could book a personal shopper session as well and get them to find you clothes. Ime they always bring things that you would never have chosen yourself but again you may find some ideas of what you can wear and get you out of your rut. Then you can either buy things they’ve suggested or go online and find similar.

I’m not sure how these things are working with social distancing now but Debenhams, John Lewis etc all used to offer these services.

As regards hating your figure - that’s a different battle. Your figures can be changed if it needs to be but will take work. And you need to love it for what it is. You may be hiding in your ‘mum wardrobe‘ because you hate your figure? Or maybe you hate it because you’re neglecting it and hiding in a mum wardrobe?

Ok start by getting a few bits and pieces - a slowly evolving wardrobe update!

Summer - pretty viscose long skirts, light coloured linen tees, linen fitted but comfortable pants. Add some soft golden highlights to your hair, tinted moisturiser, concealer under the eyes and for blemishes and, light blush/bronzer with a rose coloured lip balm (NARS does some lovely makeup colours). Just enough makeup to enhance your features.

Winter - well cut jeans in a dark indigo colour with some stretch for comfort, long tees/light jumpers in lovely fabrics ( cashmere blends are lovely), beautiful coat, soft scarves and some ankle boots. Good quality items look fab and last well. Bronzer is great for the winter months.

Do spend some money on yourself - you will feel great and your kids will see how nicely you are treating yourself, which can only be a good thing! Show them mum is VIP too!

Good luck!

Thanks all. It’s tricky with kids at home.

Thanks for the suggestions just re reading them now.

I think what I meant to say was that in the past when I’ve bought make up from the make up counter and worn ‘nice’ clothes say mid ranges/pricey smart casual top and boots I still don’t think I look nice when I look back at pictures. I never look ‘made up’ if that makes sense? I’m just not sure where I’m going wrong?

Do you mean ‘put together’ ?

I was the same except swap the jeans for leggings 🥴

Looking at how companies style whole looks online is good, Toast does great non Jean styling, that (usually) always looks really nice.

OP, I'm a SAHM who lost her way for a few years and feel I'm finally back on track. What worked for me was:
Exercise - this was the most important thing as it kickstarted the whole process. A friend of mine asked me to go to a boot camp class with her once a week. From there I started going to the gym and finally really got into running. The pounds fell off me in no time and I felt much better about myself.

Hair: I got a really good haircut that works with my lifestyle. Choppy layers so I can rough blowdry quickly. I actually stopped getting colour done at the hairdresser as I wasn't able to go often enough to keep on top of my roots. Instead I use esalon and do it myself.

Clothes: I did get sucked into this forum for a while and ended up buying stuff that doesnt suit my SAHM life. So cashmere jumpers, wool coats and white shirts have no place in my wardrobe for now. Instead I invested in a good waterproof rain coat, decent flat boots, nice jeggings and better quality plain and striped tops. The mums in my village are very casual anyway, so anything other than leggings is considered stylish 😁

Lastly, make up: as a PP mentioned above, keep it simple. Decent tinted moisturiser, concealer, powder, mascara and tinted lip balm is all I ever wear these days and it only takes a few minutes to put together.

So my advice is to think about what will work for you and plan from there 😊

What about picking something you like about yourself and focusing on that. Perhaps be that person that has immaculate nails, or perfect eyeliner every day, or minimal make up but a perfect red lip, or perfect eyebrows. Just having one thing that is immaculate may help you.

Thanks there’s some good tips here. Yes perhaps more ‘put together’ is what I need. At the moment thrown on in the dark in 10 minutes is my look haha!

Definitely need more exercise just dofficultvto find the time and motivation also terrified of looking like an idiot. Exercise was previously taking a long walk with baby, but toddler now stays in pram for all of 5 minutes and older DCs do loads of exercise but that involves me standing and watching their sports. Must try harder.

I find it heard too. I’ve got some funky trainers and also wear accessories like a nice watch and a bit of jewellery. I put on a bit of make up every day, get my hair and nails done etc. I also agree that regular exercise is a great way to feel better about yourself. I’m a bit patchy but try to work on that.

I mentioned this on another post, but if you can find the time you might enjoy yoga, even when I am exhausted I find it relaxing, destressing and revitalising.

Sorry OP I think I hear you a bit clearer now re. Body confidence. I am a mum of 4 who has been a SAHM on and off over the years, and I know that time and motivation can be barriers to exercise BUT there are ways around it.

For instance, Yoga with Adrienne on has some great quick yoga practice sessions that can be done in 10 mins.

As for your toddler not sitting in the pram at walk time - can you make this your toddler’s snack time with something very distracting that takes for ever to eat (ie sultanas) or some distracting books or toys?

Even though it is tempting to think that there will be more time for exercise etc when the kids are older, it doesn’t always work this way, so you need to carve out time by being creative/ make yourself and exercise a priority in your life despite obstacles now.

I think it just confused me when you asked whether it’s worth spending extra on a designer top. I assumed that if you can afford designer stuff, then getting a babysitter so that you can go to the gym or hairdresser wouldn’t be a problem.

With regards to prices, my ‘mum clothes’ are mostly premium high street eg Cos, Massimo Dutti or White Stuff. Some of my ‘mum’ shoes, bags and jackets are designer but I’m not precious over them. Generally, though, I save designer items for smarter occasions.

Mind you, I think that your hair/skin/posture etc are all good, then you’ll look great even in a plain T and jeans.

I’m not a mum, so feel free to completely ignore me, but here’s my tuppence worth.

Think of your life as a cake, and “slice it up” depending on what you do/the type of clothes you need. If you spend 50% of your time running after small children, 30% of it standing at a rugby pitch, and 20% in fancy cocktail bars (ha for now!) then your wardrobe should reflect that, instead of being 98% glitzy frocks and one pair of jeans.

Then think about your body, and where you want/need to spend money. Eg, I am a hippy size 10, so cheap bottoms look awful on me. I live in Scotland, so don’t spend huge amounts on summer clothes, but I buy more expensive jeans/trousers/ have a couple of lovely leather skirts, and I tend to buy decent knitwear because I am always cold. Right now - depending on where you live - you might want to invest in a lovely warm coat/nice hat and scarf because socialising indoors is becoming more difficult.

In terms of hair, get a decent cut that you can work with and suits your hair - a good cut shouldn’t take forever to style after you wash it. My hairdresser is a wizard, but it took a couple of cuts for us to really gel - my long term hairdresser moved into a completely different field and recommended him, but it was a bit like going on a date after being with DP for ten years! Now it feels like we’re a “team”, which is exactly what one needs.

Makeup - no-one says you have to wear it! If you want to, I agree with pp about having a “thing”. I always wear red lipstick, and I always have painted nails - I do my nails myself watching tv. Eyebrow shaping can really help make you look more “together”, so I have mine waxed/threaded every three weeks, tint them at home, and also tint my own eyelashes. If you want to wear foundation or tinted moisturiser my personal preference is to spend on that, making sure it’s a perfect match, whereas cheaper blushers, mascara etc are probably just as good as higher end ones.

(This is maybe not at all helpful so apologies if it’s rubbish.)

Thanks everyone.

Yes agree on the exercise issue. Most clothes would look better if I looked better. I’m a 10-12 but lumpy 🤣I think I’m not sure where to start. Also the kids have clubs most nights (I either need to stay or look after the other children). And OH has clubs and volunteering on a weekend so I have free time at maybe 8 or 9pm weekday nights and Saturday evening which makes it a bit tricky.

Re getting a babysitter - we can’t. We aren’t allowed anyone inside our house as we are tier 2 🤪

Perhaps I could do walks at night, but lacking motivation on these dark nights.

Oh hum, food for thought anyway. Thanks all.

With babysitting or using crèches at the gym, it’s certainly tricky these days. More of a general idea.

Sticking to clothes, do you know what style you like? Eg for a more urban hipster type look, you could get a pair of cool high tops and a trendy rucksack (I saw some funky ones on the Vans website).
I used to be very dressy so spent my mat leave in slightly stretchy cigarette trousers, dressy flats and tailored cotton tops so everything was still easily machine washable in case of contact with spag bol.
Some SAHMs like leisure wear - it can look quite cool too.

Might be worth having a browse on Pinterest to see what style appeals and take it from there.

I think a decent haircut, good tinted moisturiser and lip balm/lipstick (less important now I’m always in a mask but I enjoy wearing it anyway) and good underwear give me a good base to build on. If my hair is blah it doesn’t matter how nice my clothes are (unless I’m going out and can wear a hat)! Even a small amount of Pilates/yoga improves posture which makes you look so much better too.

Having a few go-to outfits planned can help, and prioritising spending where it makes a difference - on your problem areas, or things you wear lots like shoes/jackets.

Pinterest is good for working out your style, then you have to consider how it intersects with your current lifestyle.