Does anyone else feel this way?

[Norightorwronganswer]

My appearance isn’t massively high on my list of priorities. If I’m going ‘out’ say for lunch or an appointment I’ll do hair and make up and try and put on a half decent outfit but won’t just for the school run, nipping to the local shop or taking the kids to the park.

However, although I feel that I shouldn’t have to make a big effort with how I look to feel acceptable to society - I do feel like shit when I’ve just thrown my hair up and not put any make up on. I’ll not really look at anyone and try and shrink into the scenery type of idea and just feel so so self conscious and uncomfortable the whole time I’m out.

I’m not blessed with being particularly naturally beautiful. I need a bit of foundation to even out my skin tone, mascara to open my eyes and I need to ‘do’ my hair for it to look anything other than terrible.

I know this problem is probably a confidence thing but that’s not something you can just decide you want more of and it’s there.

So do I just need to accept that the only way I can feel comfortable when I’m out and about is to take time every single day to apply make up and do my hair even though I don’t really believe in that.

Sorry this probably doesn’t even make much sense!!

Presentable not passable.

Looking after ourselves is important - it affects our sense of self worth. In an ideal world our appearance wouldn't matter at all and all that would count is the kind of person we are. But it isn't an ideal world and we have to function within the society we have. The 'rules' are that you have to make some effort and the knock on effect of not doing so, is feeling bad about yourself.
I don't think women should be out everyday in full make up etc but we (and men) should be clean, tidy our hair and be basically presentable - clothes should be washed and not full of holes or stained. You can still wear joggers to do the school run but they ought to be in decent nick and not covered in paint splotches etc.
I don't understand why you would deliberately do something that makes you feel bad about yourself, when a little bit of effort makes you feel much better.
I agree that you ought to invest the n getting a haircut that looks okay with minimal effort if you can't be doing with styling every day.

I definitely have days when I can't be bothered to make an effort. I always make an effort when I go to work - I prefer to present myself in a way that gives me confidence which means making sure I looked reasonably well groomed.
I always make an effort when I go out for a meal or for social occasions but I don't tend to bother much at all for the school run or for other stuff.
Some days I just throw on joggers or old jeans, don't bother with hair or make up and could t care less who sees me. It really just depends on what kind of mood I'm in.

The only thing I do is straighten my fringe, bit of dry shampoo, bit of makeup. And I usually wear straight leg jeans /cords with a shirt tucked in. Takes 10 mins max. Ready for anything!

I could wear joggers and a hoodie and no makeup. But the I'd feel rubbish, especially if someone wanted to be on camera on friggin Teams

I also think that clean-shaven men have a reasonable amount of upkeep, I would find shaving my face every day pretty tedious.

I like to plan my outfits and look "put together" in that sense, but I strongly disagree that going out with no makeup on constitutes not making an effort. I don't have flawless skin by any means but I'm not going to let myself be judged as somehow less because my genes happened to give me acne and I don't always feel inclined to cover it up.

I can't wear any makeup or hair products due to allergy. Society will just have to suck it up. I haven't been arrested by the style police yet.

Oooh this is an interesting one. I was recently away in the country with DM and was genuinely shocked that she felt she had to wear make up everyday. If I’m just puttering about I’m very unlikely to wear it.
But conversely I love nice make up, I like to feel good in my clothes, even yoga leggings and hiking boots! So I think I’m just as muddled as you.

I have always had pretty good skin but I’m noticing lines now I’m in my 40s so might be doing a bit more disguising when I have to see people face to face at work again!

Interesting to see a few of you feeling the same!

Yesterday we were out to meet someone and go to a couple of shops so I had make up on and had curled my hair. I just felt infinitely better. Could look people in the eye and smile etc.

So today is Day 1 of doing it during the week for myself. I set my alarm half an hour early but of course didn’t bother getting up so once I’ve done the school run I’ll have a quick shower and put some basic make up on, hopefully yesterday’s hair will still have some curls so that’ll quicken things up a bit!

I totally get what you mean. I've tried to buy some clothes that are minimal effort but still don't make me look like a complete slob for when I'm doing things like the school run, going to the supermarket etc.

I live in a hot country so think it's a bit easier, but for example:

• Strappy maxi dress and flat sandals for school run. Big sunglasses. Hides the fact that I have no bra on, no make up etc.

• Gym leggings, tshirt and flip flops for running to the supermarket. Again, comfy, quick, but somehow makes me look a bit more put together. Big sunglasses (common theme here!)

That’s a really good point Primera. I definitely don’t feel this way as much when it’s warm. Sunglasses help so much.

Mask and sunglasses actually is the perfect combo for this problem.

You need good limbs and a good figure to look good when it's warm. Otherwise it's far easier to throw on a big stylish coat (and big sunglasses).

I have to force myself to look people in the eye when I'm not wearing makeup and have greasy hair. Honestly, just like pp above, when I'm not done I look very much below average, when I make the effort I look very much above average. So I do it, because I feel so much better when I do.

Do you maybe want to rethink a comment that tells plus size women that they look crap during the summer, no matter what they wear? It's not the sort of thing I expect to see on the S&B board (although obviously it's par for the course in AIBU).

I think exactly like you on make up, dont want to but feel better wearing it.

@JimmyJabs, so you think that plus sized women can't have a good figure and good limbs?

[quote MikeUniformMike]@JimmyJabs, so you think that plus sized women can't have a good figure and good limbs?[/quote]
Come off it. Nobody who uses the phrase "a good figure" intends it to mean someone who is plus sized. I'm overweight and I spend most of the time when we have warm weather worrying about whether I can/should wear this top or those trousers, but I'm trying to get away from the societal conditioning that makes me equate being fat with looking sloppy or having to work harder to appear acceptable.

Interesting thread.
I think know what you mean OP...I often can’t be bothered, especially with make up, and fell less confident when I haven’t bothered. When I do wear make-up I feel a bit more put together and ready to take on the world although agree with a few others here that it makes me look older....my skin has changed as I’ve got older and I’ve not really adapted the make-up that I use. It doesn’t help that I have stupidly thin, frizzy hair which can’t handle heat or dye. I have a hyperactive toddler so often get dressed in very little time. I have some lovely clothes but never actually wear them 🤷🏻‍♀️
I do get my eyebrows threaded which I think makes a huge difference, I try to look after my skin although need to make time for face masks etc, I also love perfume...often I pop a bit of lippy on before I go out although I’m not sure it helps, I’ve yet to find the perfect shade that goes with everything.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is maybe just find little things that work for you. Not necessarily make-up. Nice lippy, a fab scarf that matches your skintone etc. Also, people who dress more simply often look more out together - something I used to try do but have somehow lost my way

I'm sure some men do think this way too. Personally I get around all of this by buying clothes I love and being satisfied with my hair and makeup choices, and then once I've done the whole business of getting dressed and whatever hair and make up I'm going to do for the day, I then STOP LOOKING for the rest of the day usually. I have stopped looking because at times when I've felt really happy I've looked in the mirror and been disappointed ,and at times when I've thought I looked terrible I've looked and thought I looked pretty good for me. I don't need that yo-yo self effect to my daily self esteem. Also I have rosacea and can be surprised to see i've had a flare up (there's nothing I can do, it's not reasonable to stop my life because of this but being aware of it makes me eel insecure), and different mirrors or reflective surfaces tell different stories, and I don't want how I look to be a focus of my day.

I enjoy clothes and hair and products, but it doesn't help me to look at myself throughout the day.

I’ll not really look at anyone and try and shrink into the scenery type of idea and just feel so so self conscious and uncomfortable the whole time I’m out.

I used to feel exactly the same way OP, until I got fed up (and resentful) of the constant faff of adding/removing stuff to my outer layer and just stopped wearing make-up altogether. All I do is dye my eyelashes these days.

The odd thing is, after all those years of only looking at my face to apply make-up, I really had no clue what I looked like.

More fab replies. I agree I probably could use clothes to feel better rather than hair and make up. That’s a fair point. There are certain clothes you can probably wear and they will really lift you. I’ll need to have a think about what those clothes could be for me.

I felt much better today with my hair and make up done even though I was at home all day working. I did have to answer the door twice though and it actually even made me feel brighter speaking to those two strangers knowing I didn’t look like death warmed up. Picked up the kids and nipped to Tesco and did feel much better so I think I’ll continue this week and make a decision about whether I need to do this more long term.

I think when it might become a hassle is when my hair needs washed because washing and drying it will add a good 30 mins on before I even style it so I might need to get into doing that at night time when it needs it. I washed it yesterday and curled it this morning and yesterday so I’ll see if I can get away with it tomorrow again!

I used to feel like this but now as long as I’m clean and tidy I don’t worry. Although I could never go out in gym clothes/jogging bottoms unless going to the gym.
If my teeth are clean, my hairs brushed and my nails are neat I’m okay.

I’ve been in a quandary about this since the 6th form (a very long time ago!) when I read the famous feminist book, the Beauty Myth.

Ever since then I’ve simultaneously felt strongly that the patriarchy is screwing us over with such high standards of female attractiveness...

And yet realised that the personal benefits to me of spending time on my appearance are so high (or avoiding potential negativity) that I’m basically going to do it anyway.

The upshot is I spend loads of time and money on clothes (actually love fashion/clothes shopping), makeup and skincare and I’m even considering surgery at some point now I’m ageing.

What a contradiction!

And I absolutely never judge a woman either way

I know where you're coming from too, OP!

I just genuinely look so much better when I've done my make up and styled my hair a bit. My skin tone is very "dull" and make up also brings out my features a lot more - my eye brows are naturally quite sparse, and even my lips have very little colour. At the same time I'm definitely not someone who spends lots of time or money on beauty - I mainly buy cheaper make up brands (no shame in using Maybelline and Rimmel here) and pluck my own eye brows etc. I don't use lots of products, my whole make up routine takes about 5-10 minutes.

I also think some women just naturally look great without make up but I'm not one of them. It's not a confidence thing or something I could somehow "get over". Same with my hair - it's very straight and a bit flat so really needs some styling whereas friends with more texture and curl in their hair can get away with just washing and drying.

OP, my life, maddeningly, revolves around my hair (I mentioned upthread that it is really curly but I straighten the shit out of it) but things have got SO much better now I've got a hair straightening hair brush. So, now I wash my hair in the eve and let it dry naturally before spending 10 mins running the brush through it. Then I sleep on it and all I need to do is give it a little smooth over with the flat iron (5 mins tops)... Saves so much time and my hair looks better and more natural for it.

“I also think some women just naturally look great without make up but I'm not one of them. It's not a confidence thing or something I could somehow "get over".”

Totally agree. It’s all to do with colouring and contrast imo. Friends with dark hair, dark eyebrows and dark lashes really do look good without makeup, and what little they do wear is not transformative, just decorative. For me though - mousy-haired, pale-skinned, pale-lipped - I need to change the colours in my face. At that point the symmetry and proportions of my features can be seen to their best effect.

I work with someone with luminous skin, blonde hair, dark lashes, dark brows, red lips. She has lovely features but it’s really her colouring that makes her gorgeous. People with good colouring are really lucky. I feel really bad for men with my colouring - they can’t really wear makeup or dye their hair to “overcome it” like I can, and just look ruddy and haggard and mousy all at once.