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Original poster

if you never dyed the grey out of your hair...

28 replies

lljkk · 21/07/2020 11:45

could you give me some support in dealing with a family member who disapproves?

My dad is getting on my nerves. Once a week we telecon & he always mentions how much white (grey) is in my hair. He doesn't tell me to change it, but I can tell he's commenting because he doesn't like it. Dad is 77 & was saying how happy he is now that his hair is pure white, he didn't like the mixed colour look (which I now sport and am 100% comfortable with).

I want to be prepared to politely with good humour tell him to put a sock in it and not bring this up again. Any suggestions what to say in that tone? He's quite hurt my feelings with similar personal appearance comments like this in past few yrs. I think we need some boundary redefinition. I'll start with hair colour topic and figure out from there how to handle the other comments from there.

Hope I get some replies...

OP posts:
insancerre · 21/07/2020 11:49

I stopped dying my hair and I work with preschoolers. They can be quite brutal! I deal with it by ignoring their comments or agreeing with them if they insist on repeating
I deflect the conversation on to something else if I can
I think parents are like children- they think they can say what they want and they have no filter

Original poster
lljkk · 21/07/2020 11:54

When I cut my hair short then the white hair is more obvious & one of my DC quite disliked it. He refers to me as Grannie now .... which weirdly enough doesn't bother me. He's a bundle of insecurities so it's just part of the whole package of living with a teenager.

My dad should know better. Grrr.

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 21/07/2020 11:56

Why do you need to be good humoured about it? Just remind him that it's not appropriate to comment on someone's appearance unless he's asked to Confused

Original poster
lljkk · 21/07/2020 12:02

Because he's my dad & he has feelings.

OP posts:
user1471462115 · 21/07/2020 12:13

Blame him for giving you such rotten genes.....
‘Well, dad, it is your fault you know as you gave me the genes for my hair colour. I love my hair, so will be keeping it like this What is not to like about my hair ?’.

Similar said by me when I started showing greys when I was 21. Soon stooped the comments

IveSeenThings · 21/07/2020 12:19

I think this is probably a Relationships post rather than a Style and Beauty post, isn't it?
He's not listening to you and still treating you like a small child that needs guidance on their appearance. You're your own person and he needs to respect that without trying to change aspects of you- you're a whole package! Thanks

rottiemum88 · 21/07/2020 12:20

@lljkk

Because he's my dad & he has feelings.
Yes but so do you surely and he's being rude and hurtful...
HelenUrth · 21/07/2020 12:27

Why do his feelings of hurt trump yours?
Theres nothing wrong with saying that you find it upsetting when he comments negatively on your opinion. If he cant deal with that then there are deeper issues.

At the very least I'd be telling him if he made one more comment on my hair I'd turn the camera off and switch to voice only. And follow through if he didnt need the warning.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/07/2020 12:28

It’s perhaps making him feel old?.

HelenUrth · 21/07/2020 12:28

Heed, not need!

KeirStarmerDonkeyFarmer · 21/07/2020 12:39

How do you normally respond when he says it?

Timeforabiscuit · 21/07/2020 12:43

Wear a hat every time you see him, with headwear getting pointedly more exotic at every visit.

BringMeTea · 21/07/2020 12:47

Just say you don't like it when he comments on your appearance and please stop. If he refuses he is not a nice man.

FourPlasticRings · 21/07/2020 12:52

I'd just say, 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all,' or 'it's rude to comment on the personal appearance of other people.'

If he insists on acting like a toddler with no social filter, treat him like one.

Original poster
lljkk · 21/07/2020 12:53

"Rotten Genes" is good idea. I would like to cultivate my ability to handle petty irritations with humour. Is a skill worth having.

OP posts:
MrsGrizzlyBear · 21/07/2020 12:54

Love the idea from @Timeforabiscuit ! Definitely get increasingly flamboyant headgear!

KeirStarmerDonkeyFarmer · 21/07/2020 12:56

I think you might need to work on it not irritating you before you can respond with humour, or risk it coming out a bit PA

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 21/07/2020 12:59

Couldn’t agree more @rottiemum88. If your dad doesn’t want hurt feelings perhaps he should learn not to comment on peoples appearances. And if he does get hurt by calmly and politely telling him then he sounds like he’s got bigger issues than inappropriately interjecting his opinion when it’s not asked for.

Char1ey · 21/07/2020 13:02

I refuse to dye my hair, my son used to point it out, and I always said.... “I could spend x amount on dying it, or alternatively, I could spend that money on things that benefit all of us.” He soon stopped commenting on my grey hairs.

I also am quite stubborn, and refuse to dye my hair just because it’s expected of me, I don’t wear make up either.... this is the real me and it people can’t accept me like this, flaws & all, they are not worth knowing! (That’s based on strangers/acquaintances rather than family, who in theory should support you regardless!)

Char1ey · 21/07/2020 13:04

*if people can’t accept me.

RedCatBlueCat · 21/07/2020 13:04

"What do you mean, Dad? I spend hundreds of pounds in the hairdresser every month to get this fashionable look"
I've never dyed my grey either.

Fanthorpe · 21/07/2020 13:10

You’ve learnt to prioritise his feelings over yours, but you can do it gently if that’s what you prefer.

If he comments just say you like it like that and that’s the main thing, focusing on you rather than him and his lack of empathy. If he repeats it just nod benignly, say yes, I heard you and move on.

Budapestpest · 21/07/2020 13:17

Sounds like he didn’t dye his hair op. Why should you?!

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 21/07/2020 13:26

Because he's my dad & he has feelings

So do you and he's obviously pissing you off so short sharp shrift is well deserved and should sufficiently shhh him.

Floisme · 21/07/2020 15:08

Watching your child aging is really weird and deeply uncomfortable. My son's only in his early twenties but sometimes the sight of his receding hairline makes me feel absurdly emotional.

Which of course is entirely my problem and I hope I don't offload it on to him (I'll have to ask) and If ever I did, I hope he would tell me in plain language that it's none of business.

But rightly or wrongly, it does give me a flicker of empathy with your dad. I think it's interesting that you make allowances for your children being rude about your hair because they're teenagers. Well your dad is old and no doubt struggling with his own mortality, compared to which adolescence is a walk in the park. I realise I don't know him and you hint that there's a pattern of behaviour going on. But coming to terms with the knowledge that not only will you yourself get old and die but that your child will too, can be tough.

I don't dye my greys and never have.

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