I totally get the problem of hideous gear, especially if you’re small! I’m only 5’, so most of the trousers are way too long in the leg, and therefore the knee armour is level with my shins not my knees. Fortunately I can fit into the bigger youth sizes. I think it depends not only on what you’re riding, but what type of riding and the roads you’ll be riding on as well as your budget. Your helmet should be the best you can afford, but not so much you’ll be tempted to keep using it if you drop it, for example, because you paid a lot for it. However, more expensive does not necessarily mean safest; sharp.dft.gov.uk/ is a really good website that allows you to get safety ratings for various helmets. Decent, tasteful gloves are fairly easy to find. Footwear I find harder, as all the options are either hideous imo- I really don’t want to be wearing chunky heels when I’m trying to ride, or really expensive. Oxford Magdalen’s aren’t bad, but to be honest I wear army cadet boots or Magnum hi-tec’s, which are cheaper and imo offer just as much protection.
In terms of what I wear, if I’m only riding around town- so doing less than 30mph and short trips I’ll often just wear my jacket, boots, gloves and helmet along with substantial jeans. My jacket is a textile Frank Thomas one, long line so it reaches my hips and is nicely fitted with adjustable Velcro straps so it gives me at least a little bit of a waist! It has the bonus of not having any fuchsia pink on it- I am so not a fuchsia pink kind of woman! I don’t like leather; as thebabessavedme said it takes ages to dry if it gets wet, and also ime it has a tendency to smell bad. Plus it’s really hot in summer.
For anything other sort of riding, I wear Kevlar trousers instead of jeans- mine are made by Buffalo, and are just plain black. However, I’ve yet to find a pair that doesn’t result in nappy arse! They are not cut to be flattering, especially if you have hip armour in them. However, it’s not really a problem when you’re on the bike, and I’d much rather wear unflattering gear and be safe.
Which brings me to hi-vis, and reflective gear. There’s no getting around the fact that it isn’t flattering to anyone, and wearing it makes you stand out like a sore thumb... which is kind of the point. However, it can be lifesaving, especially if you’re going to be riding in low light conditions. It’s one of the things that’s none-negotiable for us- I just take mine off when I’m done riding and stash it in a pannier if I want to look less sartorially hideous when I’m not actually riding! We have Oxford vests which are easy to slip on and off.
I’d really recommend a place called Ghostbikes; they’ve got a proper shop and sell online too, and have a fairly decent range of women’s clothes. They have a couple of female biker staff members, which I think helps them have a better choice of gear!
One last thing- learn to wrap a scarf hijab style, and if your hair is long tuck it down the back of your jacket. It keeps you warm, prevents the worst of helmet hair, and having in in your jacket stops it getting tangled and matted!