Can anyone talk me into being more positive about my hair?

[Itsashame]

Which sounds like a silly thing to say.
Always had dark hair, lovely and glossy. I’m going through a transition to let the significant grey come on and am currently in a stage of highlights with grey toner and slightly lighter roots. I just can’t see anything other than scruffy. I like the idea of grey hair but it’s the mixture of colours that are making me feel unkempt. I hate myself for saying that and I don’t think that women with grey hair look unkempt. It’s just because I’m used to one colour hair. Never changed or highlighted it when I was younger so it feels so strange for me and I don’t look like myself. I can’t feel polished and glossy however I style it.
Tell me I’m being an idiot!

Just to be clear, it’s not really the transition colours I’m struggling with, it’s just the fact that I have some dark and some light hair. How do I get past seeing that as scruffy? Again, I don’t see grey haired women as scruffy just struggling to see that as me, I feel like I’ve lost the contrast in my colouring, pale skin and dark hair, and it’s been replaced with a wishy washy salt and pepper highlighted effect

I don't dye mine and it's a bit patchy, but I can't say I feel scruffy, I don't feel polished but I never have, but I grew mine out with a massive tidemark of colour until I could have all the colour cut out and left me with a short bob.

I can only say that I feel exactly the same way op! Like you say it's that the contrast is gone. It really makes me feel quite dull and just blah looking. I've tried upping my make-up game but that suddenly seems so much harder to get right as well. I've always been great with make-up so it's just so depressing. I'm usually drawn to rich jewel colours but I even feel like these are just starting to wash me out now as well and nothing looks or feels right. I don't think it helps that the texture is also so different.
I think grey and especially white hair can look so lovely and bright on some people but, when you are used to the shine and glossiness of very dark hair it's a bit of a shock to the system to have that inbetween stage.
I've been playing about with using a henna gloss on my hair and sometimes use the josh wood temporary colours to brighten it up a bit, but it feels like hard work to be honest!

Is there a reason you won't have it coloured your original shade?

How old are you ?

Thanks all. I’m 45 and was dying it dark since I was about 30 because of the grey. To be honest the dark was starting to look too stark (although I was probably going darker and darker with the build up of dye). Also because I had to dye it every 2 weeks to stop the white parting. Far too much maintenance.
I’ve been transitioning for a good while now, first had the highlights last year, now trying to go cooler as they were a bit too blond and warm. So it’s not immediately new for me, I’m just having a blah moment. When I first started lightening I was pleased with it but now all I can see is too much salt and pepper, it’s not a striking steel grey which I would prefer.

To be honest, I think dark hair with grey parts growing through does look unkempt and a bit meh sorry.

I would re dye it dark. It seems clear that you don't like it now and are hankering after your previous glossy dark hair. You're very young to be embracing grey.

That said, grey or white hair can look great. If you are determined to go grey then how about being bold and getting the lot bleached out and then toned a steel grey? If your roots are coming through completely light then that will ensure a smoother transition.

Have you thought about seeking support from a Facebook group? There are lots of good ones on there . That's how I did it . I went from darkest brown to my silver hair . Yes it's a process but when you see how many other women have done it you pick up loads of useful tips and a lot of support . My favourite is the silver circle . Some groups are super strict about how you transition, it's cold turkey or nothing but the circle is extremely non judgemental. If you decide to join make sure you answer all the admin questions and you'll be fine . They ask you to confirm you are a woman ( as they had a male troll issue ) and whether you are or are trying to go grey . Without them I don't think I would have persevered especially as so many of my friends and family were against the idea . As soon as it was finished obviously they all loved it but nobody was supportive during my grow out . It might not be your thing and if not I apologise but it worked for me .

Thanks, I’ll have a look at the Facebook page.
I won’t be dying it dark again, it’s miserable having to do it so often and the grey peeping through so quickly

A friend of mine did it by having highlights put through to avoid the blunt line of it growing out and eventually phased them out.

@itsashame, that's why I grew mine out, as the upkeep is ridiculous and no matter what colour you dye it you gets roots, but once you grow your roots out to a decent length it gets easier to cope with, but the transition is hard.

How about a reverse balayage - so have your roots dyed no lighter than a level 7, that way the grey won't be as obvious and you could stretch to 4 weekly root dye at home. But have some lovely glossy dark lowlights put in strategically in a balayage style - maybe a level 5 - to give back the contrast that you need.

You may need to totally rethink your wardrobe/colours - which is why you are feeling meh/unkempt.

When I went grey all the warm colours (corals, warm pinks etc) which before had been my "Always work/look great" colours on me look really shit. I mean really, really shit. The became a real mismatch between the cooler/lighter hair tone and my skin (which had really not been happy with the darker hair dye tbh).

I have had to change to much cooler and brighter colours. Now if I wear bright purple, reds, blues, icy deep turquoise I look great. It suits my hair/skin tone. My skin looks way more vibrant and alive.

Maybe check your wardrobe.

BTW I had been transitioned for about 4 or 5 years now. Totally love it. Not just for the lack of root touch up hassle (god what a total ball-ache that had become). But also because everything really works now. I think I look much better than if I still dyed.

A couple of people said last month that I would look 20 years younger if I dyed it again (was a compliment to my skin as much as a criticism), but I disagree - my skin tone has changed. Dyed hair would not fit and I would look like I was "trying to look younger" as opposed to actually looking younger.

On the flip side, I was out with a bunch of people from my gym last weekend - mostly about 10-20 years younger than me, glossy, polished and stunning. There I had about 5-6 genuine compliments about how amazing the natural grey looked.

And yes, a couple of Facebook pages will keep you strong. Seeing how amazing other women look naturally grey is really inspiring.

Thanks all, some good ideas here, reverse balyage sounds interesting and maybe my wardrobe could do with some sorting and real consideration