What's the point?

[thedcbrokemybank]

I am feeling very low about myself. I look like shit but there is a big part of me that thinks why bother anyway.
I finish up most days absolutely filthy. I have school run, dog walk (2 v large ones), cooking and cleaning and then taxi service for most of the evening until I collapse in a heap at about 10 pm. My house is freezing so actually when I am by myself I rarely take my coat off anyway. I rarely go out except to play sport.
I have some really nice clothes but I never make an effort as there is nothing to make an effort for and they would get wrecked anyway.
Does anyone else have a life like this? Do you still make the effort and of so what motivates you?

Lots of things I do are more about how I feel than how I look, if that’s any use. I enjoy washing my hair, having nicely washed hair, doing my feet, wearing soft clothes, soaking in a nicely scented bath. Washed hair looks better than not but I like how it feels.

Comfortable, well fitting clothes are like soft clean linen. Moisturised soft skin, clean, shaped nails. Part of self care which makes me feel I’m looking after myself.

I also really enjoy make up and jewellery, though I’m usually in jeans and a jumper. But the other stuff is comforting maintenance and I get more from it than anyone else does.

Hhmm, a little bit, yes. I'm in and out all day, so the heating is off and it's cold, so I tend to keep my coat on. I get grubby too during the day and don't give a shit so it's hard to look presentable. I feel ok about myself however in 3 ways - liberal dose of perfume, so I smell nice, diet so I'm slim and doing what I can to have nice skin.

But the other stuff is comforting maintenance and I get more from it than anyone else does.

This ^

Only do it if it makes you feel good. Otherwise don't bother. Sounds like you've got enough to do already!

I’m sort of like this. I love looking at clothes and buy too many but then live in jeans and a top. The reason is mainly because I am always rushing around, doing school runs, playing on the floor with the children, cleaning and washing clothes and ironing and putting them away. I don’t want to dirty clothes that can’t be bunged into a washing machine, I don’t want to snag tights when the children climb on my lap, I can’t be arsed Ironing any more than I have to. The result is I wear jeans outside the house and more often than not I wear pjs and a warm knitted cardigan inside the house while upstairs wardrobes are bulging with clothes.

I'm quite lazy and if I'm not going out don't bother with make up and styling my hair. I have to make an effort for work. If I had a lifestyle similar to yours I would be the same. Do you like your everyday clothes? I spend my money on more hard-wearing practical stuff which I like and wear and that makes a difference.

Why is your house freezing cold? Have you (the family, that is, not just you) looked into insulation plus installing an electrical heat exchanger (air-->heat)? They're very effective.

I can be scruffy but I must admit that when I make the effort, I do feel so much better about myself and it makes my happy.

The best tip I came across was to dress for the life you have, not for the life you want. So, whilst it's nice to have a wardrobe of pretty dresses, in reality, I'm never going to wear them. I focus on filling my wardrobe with smart casual clothes that I feel comfortable in every day, but that I can dress up if needed. In your case, why don't you get some nice lounge wear for when you are at home

Totally me. I wear jeans and long sleeved tops (mostly t shirts, occasionally a shirt or tunic) mukluks and a down jacket. I don’t wear make up ever. I work, have two big dogs and three kids. I also volunteer. A lot. My house is also freezing so I often wear my jacket indoors (especially if i’m Going out again on yet another kid pick up/ drop off or whatever.)
I don’t perform femininity. 😁 except once or twice a year if there is some function or other that I can’t get out of (wedding/ graduation etc). I’m clean 😁 I shower and wash my hair every day, but my ‘beauty routine’ consists of moisturizer as my face literally falls off in a mask if I don’t.
I just bought byself a new pair of boots though. I’ve had the others for 8 years and they have no grip left at all, so the last two winters have been a bit of an accident waiting to happen.
I’m happy with it though. I genuinely can’t be arsed to waste time painting myself up, and frankly I’m a late person already. If I had to giddy up to leave the house, frankly i’d Never get anywhere.

I don't really get why you end up in a heap? The list of things you do is what most of us do plus full time work...maybe you would feel better about yourself if you got a job. That would also give you motivation to take care of your appearance. Lying around the house all day is not very conducive to high self esteem so I would advise to get out more- even working part time could help you.

I would feel low with no heating on, is there nothing you could do to change this? If you have nice clothes you never wear then wear them - might as well have some wear as just sitting in the drawers/wardrobe. Obviously not suggesting you wear a cocktail dress to walk the dogs in, but sometimes wearing nice clothes can make you feel better about yourself.

I never go out without moisturiser, lipstick and perfume - it makes me feel better, even when dog walking in the rain.

I often feel like you. What’s the point! but yesterday I said I’m wearing makeup & doing my hair & pulled something out of the wardrobe i hadn’t been wearing but was lovely 😊 i usually wear nice clothes outside the house but without the makeup I always feel a mess. Yesterday I actually felt a lot better in myself & I usually come home like you just fall in a heap but because I was dressed I said I’d head back into town & have a walk round the shops. I ended up bumping into people that I was so glad I was dressed up! Haha..I often think like you what’s the point but making yourself feel better is about yourself not anyone else 👌
I’m guna now after new year start practicing eye makeup more as a hobby rather than oh I’m going out somewhere.
Also can I suggest Pinterest for outfit ideas. Like the other poster I have a wardrobe bulging with stuff. I go on Pinterest something I see I think wait I have those shoes & dress but never thought of putting them together & I basically end up with sooo much more options & funky outfits!

lakehouse how about you go and take your goady judgyness elsewhere.
I literally don't sit down during the day. I have four children between (5-12), I am studying part time for a masters, I have a small online retail business and I volunteer anywhere between 5 and sometimes up to 40 hours per week. I am on my knees most of the time. I don't have time to sit and eat my lunch let alone sit around during the day. I also hate the fact I am justifying myself to you.

Thanks for all the sensible replies. Last year I vowed to make more effort but it ended up making it worse (started having my nails done with shellac but they would be wrecked within a day or two and I struggled with time). I am nearly 40 and all the things I took for granted - figure, skin etc are now starting to require upkeep which is why I think it feels worse.
We are starting to get the house warmer (it's a big old thing with any job costing a fortune) which I think will make a difference as at least going for a shower won't be so painful!

I would cut down on the volunteering

I didn't think Lakehouse was being particularly goady or judgy.....

If you think upkeep is tough at 40, you just wait!!!

I enjoy putting on make up and wearing clothes I like, even though there's not much point- I'm no looker with or without make up and it's not needed for my job or social life.

However, it's a relaxing, fun and quiet part of the day, as important as my morning coffee and my hour in front of the telly at night.
If I did have dogs to walk, for example, I'd want good boots and a decent coat and hat to do it in and I'd enjoy the walk all the more.

Everything you list is a lifestyle choice! You could change any one of these. Volunteering is easy to give up if you can't cope. No one made you have two dogs. Studying for a masters is a luxury. Maybe you could sell your big house and live in a smaller warmer one?

I don't think Lakehouse was being unhelpful either. The list you gave in your OP is quite standard stuff and you did say you rarely went out. I also agree that working outside the home does push you into dressing better etc as you have no choice. Which you pretty much said yourself.

You shouldn't feel,as if you have to do any of it if you don't want to. I've fleece lined hiking trousers from decathlon that I wear to walk my dog. Then I hang them on the back of the door for next time and get changed afterwards. Fleece lined so you don't have to wear trousers underneath them.

I think it's not having to go out to a work environment itms. I'm being more slob by at present and love not having to wear make up.

When I go to work I always wear make up and plan outfits etc.

Yeah personal upkeep is worse past 40 especially hair roots for me

I very rarely dress up in skirt and heels outside work, I am normally in jeans and jumpers. I just try to make sure everything fits properly, is in my good colours and wear a bit of makeup /earrings so it looks like I made an effort. Also took care with glasses and hair as they are worn every day.

Sometimes I feel like that when I’m not doing anything important or seeing anyone, but it sounds like you’re in a bit of a slump:( you sound a little unhappy.

I think it could be worth buying some new skincare or a moisturiser or face mask, so you can treat yourself and also give yourself a boost when you can’t be bothered to wear makeup

A trip to the hair salon could give you gorgeous hair day to day with 0 effort on your behalf

Invest in some nice basics so even when you’re out running errands, you have decent capsule wardrobe of coats/jackets/boots that make you feel a little bit more put together

Looking after yourself doesn’t have to be high maintenance and loads of effort

Also I do agree that not working may be a factor

It's about far more than just appearance IMO. I am possibly in a similar position op 40ish, 4 young kids, cold house, small business.

For me it's about self care in general, I don't feel that the time is right for me to volunteer yet (put you're own gas mask on first / don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm etc) because there wouldn't be enough left of me to look after myself.

The self care aspect extends to other areas of my life but does include what I look like. I say no to things that may benefit another person but will leave me in a heap. I say yes I'm worth spending money on and I deserve it.

I get up at 5:30 on a school morning so that I can do hair and make up, I do take money out of the budget for hair appointments, make up and clothes that are warm and practical but look good. I don't let my kids pull on my clothes, I'm teaching them to respect me and respect my things.

This isn't meant to be in anyway goady, but I do know how much x4 small DC can be utterly all consuming and how depressing a cold house can be, I can't wait for the summer, it's all doors open and bare feet.

Sorry I didn't mean to be so defensive. I would quite like to have a job but actually for a multitude of reasons both practical and financial it is just not feasible at the moment. Doing a masters was a way of doing something for me which might help with the job situation long-term. I would like to not volunteer so much but at the moment the role is vital and I can't step back from it yet without significant consequences. It should never be so full on but unforseen circumstances have made it what it is.
I am going to write a list of all the things for me which will help me feel better about myself. These include:
Getting my significant prolapse sorted out
Dealing with a foot ailment which currently makes it difficult for me to wear any decent shoes
Having electrolysis on my face and thighs
Having laser treatment on some thread veins on my face
I think if I can sort these out I will actually want to make an effort on the small things.

I think what might work is re-thinking what well dressed means so you think about being well dressed for what you do all day. So some decent outdoor gear, sports wear in your case perhaps. And coming up with an outdoor look that you like. How you wear your pony tail. So it suits your look or head shape Or a hair cut that works on wet windy days. Probably some decently protective cream for your face. Perhaps mascara.

I think it is pointless to spend loads on a wardrobe for your fantasy life that you never wear. But things you actually wear csn help you feel good. As do the bits of organising so you arent, once again, tying your hair back with your toddlers scrunchie.