Body dysmorphia- help with being sexy but classy- please!

[runningFee]

I havea real problem with body self esteem and confidence. I am 5"7, 10 stone 10 and a size twelve. I look at my body and see all the imperfections all the time, I hide under unflattering clothes and constantly compare myself with other women. To my shame I hate it when friends lose weight as I wish it was me. I have no eating disorder but just a skewed perception of my body. When I look honestly I am fine but the bad behaviour including trying to hide away and change my shape through body language continues. There are many factors in my past contributing here including a rape at 14 and breast cancer at age 45 (50 now) but am very fit and healthy now, I completed an ultra marathon last year and run several times a week. My plea for help is some advice to help me feel and look sexy but remain classy and in my comfort zone. DH has expressed a tiredness of big jumpers and high necked black clothes but I find moving out of this very hard. Ideas anyone?

Have you thought of trying out a personal shopper at a big store? I know it might seem a bit daunting, but their job is to find clothes that really suit and flatter you. I would go with an open mind and I think you would find clothes that you wouldn't have considered otherwise that you love. Be honest about your issues, and say exactly what you are looking for. They can help you.

I think if you started wearing clothes that you feel good in, your confidence will improve as a result.

Yes do try out a personal shopper.

You can beat this. As they say it's never too late.

Hi, sorry don't have any advice for you but just wanted to say I sympathise as I've had body dismorphia for 15+ years (I'm 33) mine is more to do with my face than my actual body although that is still a factor. Hugs to you.

Personal shopper. They're nice and do the hard work for you

Other women are hiding things with their clothes too. Comparing you self to other women is deceiving. A real turning point for me was a very glamorous, slim, fit, well dressed friends reaction to me complaining about my big squidgy tummy. She pulled up her top and revealed the exact same tummy in all its wobbly glory. I was stunned.

Have you considered trying something like Alexander Technique lessons? The technique very gently works with perception of the body and gradually 'corrects' posture - the best way I can express it is that it helps me be more at one with my body, more accepting of it.

I also wonder, if you feel more comfortable covered up, if it would be good to check out designers who make clothes like this, to inspire you when you go shopping and help you shift to being covered up/disguised but stylish, as it might help gradually build confidence. Margaret Howell is a favourite of mine.

I think all women have body hang ups to a certain extent.

The key is learning how to dress to highlight your best bits and hide your not so favourite bits.

For me this means a just below the knee pencil skirt, a top that covers my arms but shows off my collarbone.

Find flattering lengths too, there are loads of t shirts that have very unflattering short sleeves, even the models look to have big arms!

I know its difficult, but dont compare yourself to other women, it's pointless. My SIL is 5'8 and a size 6 with incredible long legs. I'm never gonna look like that! I'm 5'5, size ten, hour glass. Make the most of what your have, you need to own it! Hugs

Those are all great suggestions thank you...just wondering if Primark have personal shoppers....self employed and broke ??. I do try not to compare myself and am certainly not as affected as some but it does govourn my thoughts all day every day. However am going to be positive and take on board your support. I like the Alexander technique suggestion. I am at present about to embark on some modular work from a self help therapist so fingers crossed! What I need is my own personal Gok Wan but without the TV thing!

I've also been through some difficult times and seem to focus on my body when I feel low or anxious. Like you, I run and know I'm not over weight. But I focus on my large bottom or whether my upper arms are getting wobbly.

With regards to clothes I've learned I feel more confident in understated clothes. I tend to stick to plain rather than patterned, neutral colours with the odd brighter accessory. For me sexy doesn't equate to obvious. I might wear a loose fit denim shirt dress with a couple of buttons undone and heels for a night out.
Good luck!

The only trouble with wanting to be "sexy but classy" is that you are still trying to make yourself into an image for other people, not for yourself. Ditch the image you want to create and start thinking about what you like.

So impressed by your running ability . I was going to suggest counselling of some sort. I suffer from anxiety, and unconsciously have made restricted rules to live by. I am working on turning those rules around to make my self happier. Does that make sense? I'm suggesting it's about learning to perceive yourself as you are, as opposed to what your BD tells you what you see.
Clothes wise, I would try taking your neckline lower, to maybe a boat neck and buying jumpers that aren't as baggy. See how comfortable you feel in those, then try a scoop necked top, or v neck and a fitted jumper. Are you happy for you DH to see you in any style of clothes? Perhaps 'practice' wearing clothes around the house that you like, but wouldn't wear outside.
Hope this helps

lovewearingjeans
I have been to counselling and your advice fits right with what i was thinking, I have been trying over the weekend and have made some small progress. thanks

Thanks..nice to have the support x

Thanks to you all, some great support there. I have made a wee bit of progress over the weekend with clothes although looking in the mirror for more than a couple of seconds is a way off yet!