Please help me to feel more confident about being plus size... I just want to curl into a ball and die rather than go out.

[Fairylea]

I'm struggling really badly with my weight at the moment. A combination of thyroid problems and a pituitary tumour have meant my metabolism is fucked and I've put on 3 stone in the last 2 years. I know some of it is my fault, I do eat the wrong stuff and I hate exercising. I do however do a lot of walking and getting out and about with my youngest child who is 2. Unless I am on a permanent diet I cannot lose weight and I don't want to be on a permanent diet. It's miserable.

So for the last 6 months I've eaten reasonably and I've stayed at a size 16-18. I'm 5 ft 7 and I have large tummy due to split stomach muscles from ds 2 years ago. I have large ish boobs - 30GG.

I am just not loving myself at all right now. This is the largest I've ever been, usually size 10 and I particularly hate the way my upper arms seem very large now.

I need to buy myself some new clothes but whenever I go out and try things on I don't see the clothes looking nice or not I just see myself looking fat and I end up putting them back.

I do the same thing spending hours putting things in online baskets on evans and yours (as they tend to do tops that hang over my stomach and boobs better than somewhere like next for example) and then I just delete it all because I think whatever I wear I'm just going to look large.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I possibly need someone to tell me what I could wear to look okay for summer on a tight budget and aged 33 with a large stomach and large breasts.

I need people to tell me no one is looking at me judging me. I went out for the day the other day and had a meal in a restaurant and I felt embarrassed like everyone was thinking why was I eating that I'm large enough already.

I just feel so rotten and fed up. And I am planning to tackle the weight but I have literally no childcare beyond the odd time dh can watch the kids (he works shifts) and so on so I need to tread water until ds starts nursery next year and I can get out and do some power walking etc. (Can't afford childcare before then and ds walks like a snail so I'm not exactly burning calories with him).

Other people feel positive at this size don't they? So why can't I?

I don't have any pearls of wisdom I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run. What I would say is be kind to yourself. You've had medical problems that have made you put on weight but you're still the same person inside.

Wrt losing weight/exercising have you had a proper look at your diet. Can you cut out snacks/sugary drinks for example or could you cut down your portions. What about doing an exercise DVD when ds is in bed? Does ds have a daytime nap still? If so could you take him out in the buggy to sleep and power walk with him?

Fwiw I doubt anyone is judging you in a restaurant but eating alone is hideous. I always feel really self conscious if I'm alone in a cafe/restaurant.

I've just posted something very similar.
I completely know how you feel - it's hard to put weight on and still feel like yourself.

Honestly, no ones judging you - just like they're not judging me - they're all too busy with their own lives.

Have you tried Pinterest for some plus size outfits? Wearing heels can help you feel slimmer, as can accessories and belts etx.

I should really take my own advice!

Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I just feel so down about myself.

I know the answer is to eat less crap and stick a fitness dvd on when ds naps / sleeps but I'm so absolutely knackered all the time (my illness I think to be fair) that I just can't face it as I know that after I've done it I then have to perk up again for ds so I have no "down" time.

I have a low immune system and get one thing after another. I am on daily antibiotics and last night developed a nasty bout of cystitis so I was up in pain at 4 am and then again 5 am before starting the day at 6 am. It's so so draining. The idea of battling the weight as well is just too much for me right now as well as battling to be well (I am under consultant care).

Yes you're probably right.. eating alone made me feel worse. Just felt a bit sad as I used to enjoy days out and eating out alone but now I feel very self conscious.

Try doing something like a bath and a body scrub, or a bit of lotion - just something small to make you feel a bit better.

Think about the outfits you do like wearing that you feel happiest in and work from there.

Have a good cry if you need to. - that's okay too.

At 16-18 and 5'7 I bet you don't look nearly as bad as you think. You'll feel worse having been so slim before but to the ordinary man and woman on the street you are entirely average honestly. Until you feel better just find a couple of styles in different colours that you feel good in and be kind to yourself.

Thanks. I hope I just look normal .. I keep reading the average size is 16 so surely I just look average. And then I feel awful saying that because if someone larger than 16 was reading this they'd feel like I'm saying it's awful to be larger than that... which is precisely what I'm scared of people thinking of me. If that makes any sense whatsoever. ....!!

Sparkles I've just read your thread. Much sympathy and hugs for you too.

So sorry about your health problems. I am hypothyroid, I guess you must be too.
Please don't feel bad about your weight. Fashion seems to be in our favour at the moment, with so many long tops around. At 16/18 you don't even really need to be looking at plus size ranges. That size is catered for by the mainstream retailers, some of whom go up to a 24.
As the mother of young children, you need food as fuel, and won't benefit from dieting. Nothing makes me more obsessed with eating than trying not to! It sounds like you need to treat yourself kindly, and forget about depriving yourself, as you have health problems. Leave all that for later, when you feel better. Just do what you can cope with for the moment.
I hope you feel better soon!

I'm a 16 and only 5'4 so much fatter than you. I've had body image problems my whole life, even when I did slim to a 10, I continued to buy 14s because I couldn't see myself as anything other than big.

Have you looked at the website 'what real women look like'. It's got selfies of confident women of all shapes and sizes. This one is a 5'7 16 inverted pear and she looks great!
here

Also hypothyroid btw (but also eat and drink too much as well)

I'm wracking my brains to remember who I saw a picture of the other day. It was a celeb with a fuller figure and I genuinely thought she looked fantastic.

I'm sorry that you have health problems but I bet you don't look as big as you think you do .

You sound about similar to me- although I have never been a size ten since I was 14. Yes, there are days where I could weep but my children tell me I look good and are alarmed if they hear me say anything else. Although I know I am sometimes miserable, I also know I would be ten times worse if I put myself on a strict diet. I refuse to allow myself to move up a size as I have been this size for 16 years now- but at the top end of it now where the waistbands are pinching. But this refusal helps me occasionally lose 10lbs or so to get me back to something I am more happy with.

Get to know your shape and dress it- don't hide in oversized tents as you will feel worse. Choose nice, flattering clothes and accessories, do your nails and your hair and you will feel and look fab.

Can I recommend fullerfigurefullerbust.com? She also has Facebook and Instagram. I find it really helpful for looking at clothes, and she posts questions from people on her Facebook page too. It's a really nice community

I've just read your post again after typing my message and I just want to give you a very non MN hug, and go shopping with you
I'm a size 16, and it's taken a while to work out what suits me
Pink clove does lovely stuff online, and amazon too. Oh and Scarlett and jo for Evans
I got a sort of silky short sleeve bolero from yours clothing which is great to chuck on, it covers the tops of arms and makes me feel a bit more "dressed" too

Fairylea - I read your message last night and I kept thinking about you today so wanted to reply to you. I'm currently pregnant but in normal life I fluctuate in size and weight and have been through all the feelings that you describe. I know it's easy to say but you need to focus on your positives i.e. your lovely curvy bust and your taller than average height (I'm 5'5" and I'd love those extra 2 inches!) and I'm sure there are other things that you're not even seeing too. I'm 33 too and I've learnt that there's no point dressing like my friends or for the shape I wish I was, but instead to dress for what flatters me. In normal life I'm a curvy size 14-16 but my legs are my best feature so I always wear skirts and dresses, never jeans. I've kind of got my look now and I know it works and makes me feel confident. For me that means wrap dresses, denim skirts when I'd otherwise wear jeans, smarter skirts etc. I'm not suggesting that's the answer for you, but you need to find something that makes you feel great and use that as a template. I know you said money is a bit tight but have you tried the free advice they give in department stores like John Lewis or Debenhams to just encourage you to try things you wouldn't normally try? That way you may find a whole new look that suddenly works for you. Also remember that you're wearing the clothes, not the other way around, so if you don't feel right it's their fault not yours. I'd love to take you shopping because I bet there are things that would make you look, and more importantly, feel gorgeous. Send me a message if I can help at all, but I guess I'm just saying find something to love about your body and work it, and just ignore the rest (she says, having just discovered first stretch marks and having minor meltdown about it ;-)

I've been thinking about you today too OP.

You're a 30GG (same as me! Bra twin!) so really your top half isn't that large (many size 10-14s are a 30 band). You don't sound keen on your bust but I wonder whether you may like to try focusing on your top half and wearing skirts or perhaps jeans/chinos with tops that skim over your tummy but are fitted higher up?

I'm a 10/12 and have freakishly wide upper arms (I've had this confirmed by a few dress makers/costumiers!) so I do understand.

This blouse from Mango is very flattering.

A hug from me and my matching bust! x

I'm so moved by your replies. Thank you. I half expected to get told I was being an idiot and to stop wittering on. So its really sweet to read the supportive posts thank you.

I like lots of the ideas. I think i do need to find a new "template" for things that suit me. I think what I am struggling with is that my template before was always skinny jeans with a floaty cami style top and heels. Now none of that looks right and the heels are out as they just aren't practical with a toddler....! I have skinny jeans but in a size 16 they look a lot more like reverted parsnips. I don't feel sexy in them. And I have to complete the look with something that covers my arse to balance me out and that makes me feel like throwing it all back on the shelves.

So I think I need to be brave and try some new things. Thanks for the suggestions. I do like my actual boobs (apart from the fact bras in my size are just ridiculously expensive apart from the odd bargain on ebay) it's just my upper arms. I struggle in summer because obviously I'm hot but if I wear a top that shows my arms I feel awful. So (embarrassingly enough) I have spent all the recent hot weather days with a long cardigan over the top or a lightweight parka on the top. My dd keeps asking me why I'm wearing sleeves when it's hot. I know the irony being I look more ridiculous dressed like this than wearing a vest top with my bingo wings..

Armed with some of your support I actual purchased myself two tops today... a black and a white one online. So when they come I'll try not to judge myself too harshly and see if I can like myself and them. Hmmm.

It's good to be able to vent / talk. I feel a bit lost somewhere. I'd like to find myself again.

In warm weather I never wear anything sleeveless! I don't own many tops but the ones I have all have sleeves (ditto for dresses!).

OK, I'm 5ft 6, a size 18 and a 34H - this is the smallest I've been in years.

I used to go into shops, delude myself about my size, find it didn't fit and go home in tears.

Eventually I needed smart clothes for work when I got a senior position so I went shopping with a personal shopper. I can't recommend this highly enough.

We went into a shop and she picked up say 4 styles of black trousers all in 3 different sizes and off we went to the changing rooms. I'd have given up at pair 1 but she just kept handing me trousers until the 12th pair fit. If they didn't fit we went to a different store.

She pulled out stuff I'd never have worn and eventually I realised I was having fun! shopping! And although she charged, I saved loads of money as every item I bought that day I actually wore repeatedly instead of usually wasting money on stuff that sat at the back of the wardrobe unworn. And everything we bought was high street bargains not fancy prices.

In terms of styles, I have a lot of little short-sleeved cardigans and wraps to go over sleeveless tops. And straight jeans are much better than skinny.

If you can afford it, I'd recommend it or trying a store based shopper. Or do you have a friend or relative who could do similar just to keep you going through the 'nothing fits' stage? I also went home with clothing claiming to be anything from a 14 to a 22 so please ignore the labels and just focus on what you look good in. Online shopping can be a struggle unless you really know you fit the brand as any thing that doesn't fit makes you despondent - you need to do a lot of trying on and if it doesn't fit you, it's the store's loss

Hi OP.
Just thinking about your immune system and the antibiotics (you sound like me!!) Are you taking a multivitamin, and getting enough vitamin D? A good probiotic might be a good idea too. And sleep!!
It's so hard when you feel like you are fighting your body to try and get healthy all the time (and then fail when the next problem rears its head). I had a horrible time for a few years after DD was born with serious birth injuries and a bladder infection that would not shift. It's exhausting, demoralising and you can feel like shit.
XXX

Can you get a light weight floaty top to wear on hot days? Something like this? If you wear a dark vest underneath your body will look slimmer.

Another possibility is developing your own style, could you wear navy t-shirts & ankle length trousers & make always wearing the same colour top & bottom your 'thing'?

Hi OP. I'm 5'8" and just gone from size 16 to size 14. It is possible but I found that there was no point until I was in the right place, mentally. Once you feel well, it will be so much easier. Please don't beat yourself up.

I've had to do it through lifestyle tweaks and fitness DVDs!!! As no time to go to the gym etc. with regards to good I'm just eating less and trying to make healthier choices. This is a long term aim, something I'm sticking to hopefully for the rest of my life . It's not a diet. I can't do diets as they make me miserable but realising I can have the odd treat and still lose weight is great. I've just had to re- programme my brain that a treat isn't a daily occurrence!!!!! It's also not a whole pack of biscuits...

You are not going to be a size 10 overnight. But if you want to lose weight you can begin to make small changes that will help when you are mentally more able to focus on losing weight and feeling better.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising. And I very much doubt people are thinking mean things about you in the street. Although you feel uncomfortable in your skin, it sounds like you look pretty normal walking down the street.

I bet you look way better than you think you do. I don't meant that to sound patronizing or belittling.

I have a few friends who are at least your size, and they rock the maxi-dresses in summer. Exfoliate your arms, put on some fake tan overnight, and then wash it off and moisturize with something lovely and scented in the morning. Invest in some big, gorgeous statement necklaces and/or earrings and some nice floaty maxis for summer. The accessories will draw attention away from your arms.

I know it can be really hard, but remember that you always look better if you feel confident and comfortable. Don't suffer in cardigans, enjoy the summer and be happy in the short-term while you make plans to feel better in the long-term.