The scope for women to get it wrong is obviously unlimited, given the sheer number of dodgy trends that proliferate every summer and are then repeated every summer thereafter. Why is it that the one time one would actually like this hedonistic, throwaway culture of ours to be hedonistic and throweverything-away, everyone hoards every last summery catastrophe they ever invested in, recycling it each subsequent summer with even more hideous catastrophes, in the valiant belief that this constitutes eclecticism. This summer?s eclecticism includes cropped tops, hipsters, kaftans and, incredibly, ra-ra skirts.
Still, it?s not the clothes per se that constitute the problem ? rather it?s the lack of them, and what their absence reveals. Jiggly breasts, naked stomachs that may or may not be in their third trimester, acres of unfettered cellulite . . . and this is just the men.It?s precisely this kind of exuberant display that makes one long for the days when the major British summer fashion crimes consisted of women lumbering around in macramé smocks picked up in the Honiton branch of Age Concern with tote bags that were two steps down the evolutionary ladder from a Morrison?s carrier. Raving optimists may derive some consolation from the knowledge that the female faux pas is that much more imaginative than the male?s.
Muffin top (the spillage between crop top and hipsters that looks like . . . yup, a muffin); bingo wings (the bat-like flaps at the top of some arms, usually accompanied by underarm cleavage which, unlike between-breast cleavage, is Not a Good Thing); cankles (swollen ankles, made a hundred times worse by sandals that tie round the feet and legs); Mr Tumnus Toes (hoof-like feet, named after the centaur in The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe), and the camel?s hoof (not for family newspapers, but here?s a clue: it is most often caused by overly snug trousers).
This isn?t about fat-bashing ? although a pair of micro hotpants probably isn?t the best way to disguise three stone of surplus flesh. It isn?t simply about keeping cool either. The last time it was this hot, apparently, was 1911. You didn?t see a lot of VPL then and I?m pretty sure no one died of heat exhaustion. The point is that clothes can do so much for self-esteem; they can transform how others perceive you and, on a practical level, can enormously bolster your comfort.
Case in point: loose linen trousers are just as cool, if not more so, than a micro-speck skirt; cotton kaftans are infinitely more comfortable than shiny Lycra tubes (and they don?t make you look half a stone bigger). The big issues here coalesce with the preoccupations of our Prime Minister (how often does a fashion editor get to say that?). First education, education, education. Is it entirely wise, for instance, for anyone with a chest measurement over 30AA to wear a vest that has the support capacity of a hairnet?
Do a bikini top and sarong constitute a viable summer-weight suit? Are flip-flops ever a good idea on dirty, muscle-pounded pavements? And finally, just because it looks good on Kate Moss, will it necessarily do the business for you?
The second big issue is respect; ie, is it ever acceptable to take your shirt off anywhere other than the privacy of your home or on the beach? Does the world really need that much information about your crotch? Categorically no. And finally, what makes you think that anyone not intimately acquainted with your bank account wants your chest hair in their face on the Tube?
Shall I compare thee to a summer?s day? Please God, no.