How can I look nice again : marriage ending, 40s and feeling fugly

[strongurgetofly]

Hi all I'm a regular name changer!
My marriage has come to an end and may self esteem is on the floor after years of neglect!
I'm 41, perimenopausal, other health problems which cause chronic pain plus two small children and working 3 days per week.
I have coarse curly/knotty dry hair which always needs root touch up no matter how often I dye it.

I have age spots and wrinkles, the beginnings of jowls and a crepey neck and cleavage. People always tell me how tired I look, I'm still sharing a bedroom with my 'h' (but not a bed) and I stay up late every night until I'm sure he's asleep and I have trouble with insomnia.
My upper eyelids are very puffy which is a byproduct of my illness but makes me look older and more tired.

I have a grey front tooth following root canal surgery and no amount of cosmetic bleaching can change it.
My boobs are saggy little sacks and my belly is an overstretched mess.

The chronic pain and inflammation makes waxing /epilation difficult and I rarely have time or energy to pamper myself.

I am at least half a stone overweight and only 5 feet tall so every pound counts., my arse and thighs are huge and my feet are dry and cracked.

I have much younger sisters who are stunning and I work with some very beautiful women. I used to be a 'headturner' and pretty low maintenance. I just don't know where to start. I have no time, energy or money.
In short I feel like a dried-up snaggle toothed husk.

Please help me out with a starting point, I need to get out of this rut.

Hair roots - Clairol Nice'n Easy root touch up is dead easy and gives a very natural result - avoids that "block of color" effect.
Hooded eyelids - Charlotte Rampling has deep-set hooded eyelids - I believe they are known as bedroom eyes. My eyes are sinking in with age so I just think I look a bit Rampling-esque. Im sure you could find other famous beauties with similar features. It's all how you view yourself.

Happy new year stylish and beautiful ladies.
mcgilly you are a great optimist. I must confess that I did laugh when I found myself in the mud. I reminded myself of the chumbawumba song when they sold out to the man: I get knocked down but I get up again...

MrsFlorrick thanks for all your tips. I am reading everybody's in between various chores and commitments and I will take it all in and try to follow as many as I can manage or afford.

pottedplant Glenn Harrold is what I have on my phone! I listened to it in bed, it takes a bit of getting used to his accent but I went to sleep quite easily and without any drugs! It helped that H was out of the house.

ChristmasStrumpet interesting you are the same age and height as me, do you mind if I ask your weight? I'm just over 9 stone and am so much happier at 8.5 bit I'm wondering If in 'middle age' I have plateaued at my 'ideal' weight. The trouble is when I did the wardrobe intervention I was 8.5 so now everything is squooshed in!
I am a huge porridge fan. There is a suggestion that I should go gluten free because of my various conditions so I'm looking into that at the moment.

deathwatchbeetle he is a bit of a George Clooney but a complete cold fish. All style and no substance. I feel as though all the colour has been sucked out of me!

Retin a creams are supposed to be on prescription but that would involve a private dermatologist and a private script (in the £200 range).

You can buy online via amazon and there are EU pharmacies where you can buy without script and they ship to UK.

The sellers on amazon change all the time although I suspect its the same people who set up new amazon shop fronts.

www.amazon.com/STRONGEST-Retinol-Vitamin-Cream-Expiry/dp/B00HL2YF7Y/ref=sr_1_15?ie=UTF8&qid=1388583571&sr=8-15&keywords=retin+a+tretinoin

I've bought this twice. It's the strongest kind so you could only use once a week or once every ten days until your skin got used to it.

There are milder formulations which are worth a try but you need to have a trawl of tinternet to find it.

Ideally you'd start with 0.025% solution.

You can post in Style & Beauty and ask Ggirl and others as they know other sites.

It's an economical way to zap ageing.
Buying expensive anti wrinkle creams from beauty counters won't do much for you other than make you poorer. Retin a creams work but use sparingly.

And try a small £3 bottle of the pomegranate oil from Akamuti. It's amazing. One of those small bottles lasts me about 2 months and I apply to face, neck and chest every other night. I do sometimes mix it with hazelnut oil. But still for £3 you have about a months supply for daily(nightly) use.

I don't know what advice to offer re your H.
I think the best thing you can do is pick yourself up and improve yourself and sort out the insomnia and the rest will follow.
I hope you and your DC are ok.

Hi strongurge. Re inoa, I don't usually mix colours but don't see any reason why you couldn't. I know my mother's hairdresser does.

You need to buy a bottle of developer like this and then whatever shade you like here. You mix 1:1 in a small bowl just before using and just apply with a brush. The advantage of this is that you can use as much or as little as you need and there's no waste. 1 tub is usually enough for 2 applications if it's roots only.

The great thing about inoa imo is that browns are browns, not progressively nearly black like most supermarket colours. I usually use the 6.0 shade and it looks really natural.

Hope this helps :)

MrsFlorrick I have looked into retin a treatments before, the thing that put me off was the thought that it makes you look red and sore, is that right or have I misunderstood? I'd love to improve my complexion, when I gaze at my beautiful children their baby skin is so luminous and plumped up. Oh they're truly scrumptious!

Well tonight I have painted finger and toenails, deep conditioned with the last of a very expensive keratin treatment bought in France. I don't particularly rate it but I'm trying to follow some of the frugal guidelines as well and aiming to use up all my cosmetics before buying more (other than the essentials)

I have the Soap and Glory footfile already, I have temporarily mislaid it but I will hunt it out over the
next few days and get to work on my plates of meat

I didn't do any exercise today, it rained all day and there were a couple of cracking films on, I did some impromptu dancing with the offspring so I hope I sleep tonight. H is back in the bedroom tonight, he starts nights on Fri I cannot wait!

tugamommy thanks for all the Inoa information I will check it all out and get shopping.

I ordered a couple of bras today which are supposed to be good for 'smoothing back fat' do I hope they will help lift my self esteem (as well as my boobs).

Strongurge. Retin a only makes you red and sore if you over use. Ie too often or apply way too much.

Ou apply a pea size amount for your entire face! And only once a week/every ten days to begin with. Then max every third night.

I use retin a and I suffer from rosacea so I have skin which is far more sensitive then normal and prone to redness and soreness anyway.

I can use it no problem as long as its a small amount once a week. It actually helps my rosacea.

Glad you spruced yourself up tonight.

I cant really use Retin-A because of babies etcamd din sensitivity, but i get good results from mild acid products, especially lactic acid-based products. There are many around at all prices ... Maybe s&b board could recommend?

I have read that the new Indeed Labs vit A product is good , but haven't tried it myself yet. I'm currently using Pepta-Brite and Hydraluron - hydraluron is the best! But is for hydration rather than skin refining.

Din sensitivity? Sun sensitivity! Though I am sensitive to din too!

Interesting re the creams. I will get using up my old products first.
Incidentally I removed my wedding and engagement rings yesterday. It will be interesting to see if anyone notices. There were no rocks in them so I doubt I'll lose any weight after taking them off but it all helps with the transition.

MrsFlorrick I also have SI joint problems. I have got the Kirkland antistamines as well! I found they were making me feel 'hungover', maybe I should just take one instead of two/three.

Interesting re the creams. I will get using up my old products first.
Incidentally I removed my wedding and engagement rings yesterday. It will be interesting to see if anyone notices. There were no rocks in them so I doubt I'll lose any weight after taking them off but it all helps with the transition.

Strong, Just read your thread, you are doing so well.
why not try acupuncture good for both joint pain, anxiety and insomnia?

Hi DziezkoDisco thanks for your kind message, I am doing well but there are dark days!
With regards to acupuncture, I have tried it before and didn't find it helpful although that was a few years ago. I have spent a lot of money on mainstream and alternative therapies, at the moment I need to watch the pennies depending on what will happen re house, cost of divorce etc.

Ooh! Totally out of the blue I received a package today from John Frieda containing hair repair shampoo and conditioner as well as an intense masque! I vaguely remember joining the John Frieda 'club' years and years ago to receive some free samples but these are full sized products, woop woop!
Really pleased and looking forward to using them, hopefully they will help sort my miserable barnet!

Brilliant timing, strong . Am using a John Frieda Frizz-Ease spray product on my hair at the moment. Am pretty certain it's full of silicone, but I don't care - it works!

I've always said looking good doesn't take a lot of money, it takes a lot of effort. Luckily the two best things for your health are free- exercise and water :)

No wonder you haven't been feeling great, going through divorce is hideous. I too am perimenopausal (at 40) and can relate to problems sleeping. Whatever you do don't take a hot bath at night. Baths make me flush and sweat for hours and dry my skin out. Better to take a cool shower.

Have you tried facial/eye exercises for your eyelids? Sounds silly but I find it helps a bit. There are plenty of tutorials on You Tube. For your face and neck you could try doing a sugar scrub. Cleanse and rinse your face and neck. Pour a teaspoon of sugar on your hand, add a few drops of water, mix and rub on your face and neck until dissolved. Rinse and apply moisturizer. I've been doing this for years and the results are amazing!

Strongurge. Commiserations on the SI issues .
There are lots of physio (ie clinical Pilates) moves/exercises which help.
I will go and find some linkys and post them later.
If you do them every day, it makes a massive difference.

The Kirkland sleep aid. I think you're only supposed to take 1 at a time. I actually break them in half. Half is enough to get me off to sleep.

I'd feel hung over if I took 3 of those as well!

Also "plan" your sleep. It sounds stupid but it works. Ie take your Kirkland sleepaid very early ie 8pm so long before you go to bed.
That way by the time you get to bed you sort of collapse into bed rather than that unpleasant tossing and turning.
It also gives the sleepaid time to wear off so you feel fully fresh in the morning.

I know its hard to plan ahead but if you plan to take the sleep aid say for a week to catch up on rest and go to bed reasonably early. Then do take it at 8pm and you're ready to fall asleep long before 10pm.

It's boring but it works.
Back later with exercise linkys.

Morning MrsFlorrick. I don't know why I thought taking 3 was recommended, I think I read it on somebody's Amazon review. I took one in the early hours of this morning when I was wide awake.

Fortunately H is on nights the next few days so I can practice The Sleep Plan! I can listen to relaxation stuff and read etc without fear of bothering him plus when he's finished nights I'm going to reclaim the second bedroom and put the littlies in to share. Unfortunately I need his help for the room swap because I can't physically do it on my own.
I spoke to housing people yesterday they will consider buying more shares of the house but need to decide whether I can afford to stay here with the children once they've decided then we can start orally rolling. Woop woop!

I have pilates this afternoon the classes were shut from 18th Dec until today n, I don't know how long I can continue going as I have to rely on him to watch the children and if he's not free I can't go plus it's very expensive so I don't know how much longer I can afford it. I really struggle to do the exercises at home alone.

Believe in yourself a bit more it seems you are constantly seeing hurdles and justifying why you can't do things - look at what you can do.

I reckon you should make the tooth and hair a priority - go to several dentists and get quotes or get a veneer - even if you have to sell a few things (wedding and engagement ring could be sold to contribute to the tooth fund). Wear make-up even if you are just going to the corner shop.

My mum has spine curvature but has short hair and always wears collars which make a difference. Short hair could be worth it - cropped close to thew head if you have a good bone structure.

HoneyStepMummy thanks for your reply. I will check out the eye videos. Wrt being perimenopausal :does your GP acknowledge / support this? Do you take any supplements or follow specific nutrition guidelines?

mrsmarigold you are right, it's easy to be negative, I do try to keep positive but sometimes it's overwhelming. I'm very much looking forward to starting counselling though. I'm sure it will help my mindset. I am being very strong, I know a lot of women in my situation would stay married and just put up with the situation to keep the status quo but I just can't live a lie anymore. I'm quite proud of myself but at the same time I need some support. I don't have a conventional family, I have nobody I can run to and hide with I have to face it all alone, I have friends but they are all busy with their own busy lives and nobody is going out of their way to see I'm ok (self pitying emoticon)

I thought I should save my rings in case the children want them later on? one is an heirloom on DH's side.

Strongurge.

If you PM me with an email address, I can email over all the exercise sheets I have from my private physio. They were geared ttowards recovering from SI joint issues and building core stability.

MrsFlorrick consider yourself messaged.

Thank you

Uh-oh I started off well on the sleep plan when I found out liz jones is in the big brother house and now I want to watch it but I'm starting to feel sleepy.

The best laid plans....