Constantly comparing my (lack of) style to others and feeling I always get it wrong

[Wenchelda]

You'd think at the age of 34, I'd finally be happy in my own skin, have found my own style and not care about what others are wearing. Unfortunately not. I constantly compare my clothes/accessories to other people (friends as well as random people I might see) and always feel that what they have is better than me and then I feel completely crap/frumpy next to them. Ok, I'm far from the most fashionable or stylish person, but I'm not exactly waynetta slob either, so not sure why I always feel like this. Anyone else the same?

Do you buy clothes to suit yourself or are you always shopping for what you think you "ought" to be wearing?

Can you say what you currently have? And how it fits into your life?

Fwiw I do think the 30s can be a difficult age to dress. You feel you ought to be at your peak - clothes wise, but so often you have to compromise hugely for home or work reasons. You don't want to be mistaken for a flighty post-teenager; but you're afraid of luxury because you think it will look too ...... grown up. (Trust me, it does get easier.)

Where do you shop now? And how would you like to look?

No you're not the only one! I used to feel like this all the time. Especially if you're used to work clothes and going out clothes then suddenly dressing for the lifestyle of a mum with small dc can be daunting. It has got better for me mainly as I've got older (will be 40 very soon!) and I've just become more comfortable with who I am and what I wear. I had my colours done 6 months ago and that helped massively as now everything I have is a colour that looks good on me.

As sthing said you need to buy what you want to wear, not what you think you should be wearing. Give us for information and we'll help you...

I wasted so much time in my mid-30s, after having two DDs, trying to find jeans that made me look good. I was mostly stay at home or working part-time and every single SAHM I knew wore jeans. It took me until last year age 38 to realise that none of them - bootcut, skinny, boyfriend, flared etc. etc. was going to suit me and that I didn't HAVE to wear them. It was immensely liberating and I much happier now wearing mostly dresses, tights and big clumpy boots. I sometimes look a bit more dressed up than the other SAHMs I know but its my style and it suits my bodyshape.

I don't often buy anything as i rarely have time to go shopping (I have a 3yr old and a 1yr old) and when I do, I just get fed up as nothing ever fits me properly. However, the things that I do buy are generally things I know suit me, rather than the latest fashion. For example - I don't own any skinny jeans as although I think they look good on others, they definitely don't suit me.

My budget is limited, and anything I do buy tends to be high street / supermarket. I'd say most of the clothes that fit/suit me best are actually from matalan. (Don't judge me! I often wonder what I'm doing even lurking on s&b when everyone seems to shop at much better places than me)

With 2 young children, I definitely dress for comfort (only work 2 days a week) and need "low maintenance" clothes.

I only have 2 pairs of trousers that for me properly - one black bootleg, one dark blue wide-ish straight leg. Also have another couple of pairs of black trousers that I wear out of necessity, even though neither fit me quite right. I have approx 6-7 tops, 2 cardigans and 1 jumper that fit - none of which really co-ordinate.

I am 5ft 2, size 12ish top and 14ish bottom, small (non existent) boobs, so pear shaped, but with quite broad shoulders that sort of balance my hips (shoulders and hips are in line, if that makes sense?)

tbh a lot of that is not actually about what you re wearing, but more about you carry it off and feel about yourself.
There will always be people who have more and less than you, a good friend of mine always looks fabulous - in high st and vintage shop finds, another looks amazing in high end (and will only wear high end, fortunately for her she can afford it), my boss is very well off but looks like she bought her stuff for the label on it not because it suits her. You ll drive yourself mad comparing yourself. That said we all have times where we feel 'meh' about ourselves..
Things that might help are focusing on your good points - things you like about yourself, ask a good friend or dh what they are if you feel you cant identify them. Ask them too when they have thought you looked well, and see if you can identify a common theme.

Think abut times you have been pleased with what you were wearing - was it a particular outfit/ colour or or item? Try incorporate that into other looks - I like how I look in skinny bootcuts, Ok so they re not tearing up the runways but it works for me as my look when i wear it my way! If you find a look that works there s nothing wrong with wearing in in a few different colour combos until you feel confident and happy enough to branch out again . maybe look at what you have in your wardrobe and have a trying on session, take a few photos of your self decide which works for you in terms of colour style shape you have. My rule is I only wear/buy/keep if I love it (I love a lot ha ha).
go through your wardrobe every do often and decide what goes with what so you have ideas for outfits too (pinterest good for inspiration) and maybe can identify what you need to add to outfits to give them that bit o f 'oomph' Personally i could never do the capsule wardrobe as depending on my mood and occasion I m a bit of a style chameleon, however I do know what I do and dont like and I never try a trend for the sake of being on trend. SO mostly I feel comfortable in what I wear.

I have a few items I adore - I find on 'meh' days wearing them cheers me immensely.

I suppose I m saying don't try too hard forget comparing. Wear what you feel yourself in

Also meant to say I have no jeans that fit me properly and It seems impossible to find any, which really limits my wardrobe!

Oh, and I did have my colours done a few years ago but have never properly followed it, as I struggle to find any clothes that fit/suit me so matching colours limits things even more.

I am 37 and have over the years and post kids, worked out what looks good on me.

Can you go shopping kid free with a good friend whose style you admire? Also start looking on Pinterest as there are tons of ideas on there. Who di you like the look go? I love the way Kate Moss, Claudia Winkleman, Mary Kate Olsen, and Miranda Kerr look. Have you got a style crush?

I have something of a uniform that works for me
Casual-
Skinny jeans/trousers, breton top-must be wide neck, or plain slash neck 3/4 sleeve plain top, drop hem jersey tops, or boxy fit jumper, long line vest worn under everything, converse or brogues or biker boots, relaxed slouchy blazer or parka. I also have a wool cape coat, and an oversized car coat for when it gets colder, a wooly hat and lots of scarves.

Work
Jersey body con or wrap style dresses, wool tights, wedge shoes, blazer. I have all of these items in black, navy, claret and grey. They all mix/match. Add beads or a scarf.

Dressy
Beaded top, open neckline, black skinny tailored trousers, leather jacket or blazer. Hair up. Black mini skirt, sparkly open work knit top (vest under), a couple of dresses leopard print court shoes, or lace effect courts.

I have one expensive tan leather bag, nice ray ban sunnies and always have minimal makeup on which makes me feel put together.

I am trying for the "off duty model look"!!

I have a 4 yo DS and 2 yo DD, and by no means a model figure!

Shops-
Zara
Topshop
Primark
New Look
Mango
Whistles

Ok. So the first thing is that clothes really don't have to be your priority just for the moment. But obviously you want to look good sometimes (you don't say you have to "dress" for work...) And, by the time your DCs start school and socialising you will probably want a reliable wardrobe of flattering things.

If you get any time away from home / work what are you likely to be doing? Indoor /outdoor pursuits? Hiking, dancing, wine-tasting? As a couple or in a group of friends or alone amongst strangers?

I think you can afford to think long term; to start squirreling things away slowly and carefully. Is there anyone who could be encouraged to give you a voucher for a wonderful shop for Christmas or a birthday?

I think your 30s can be a really tricky time. When I was in my teens and 20s I didn't have much money but was having too much fun to care much about what I looked like. When I hit my late 20s/early 30s I started earning a bit more so I could afford to experiment with clothes but I don't think I looked any better, I just wasted a lot of money! (And definitely didn't have a real 'style' - one minute I was in quite dressy stuff, the next a bit frumpy - got to love 90s fashion!)

Then I had DD and put on quite a bit of weight and I wasted even more time and money trying to buy clothes that made me look and feel how I wanted to. I was constantly searching for a look that was 'me' but I didn't know what that was - trendy mum or arty creative type or well dressed working girl (not in the Pretty Woman sense!) or whatever.

Finally in my 40s I have lost a good bit of weight (not all of it), somehow got a better idea of how I want to look and am on the way to a wardrobe to match. I definitely don't look great all the time and I do compare myself to other people constantly but I don't care as much as I used to and I generally feel more comfortable with myself and 'my' look.

I'm not sure how or why this has come about but I spend a lot of time looking at what other people are wearing - from friends to strangers in the street to celebrities - and this has helped me narrow down how I want to look. I read a lot of blogs and am also a Pinterest addict - I keep a board for 'my style' and one for 'wishlist' which makes shopping much easier and saves me money. This board helps a lot too but doesn't save me much money - on the contrary!

I think in the end though it comes down to being more comfortable with yourself and for me that's come with time. I'm not sure how helpful that is for you (great advice - just wait till you're 40!) but hopefully this (and all the other helpful advice above) might set you on the road to 'finding yourself' style-wise a bit sooner than I did!

Personal shopper. I did the JL one, perhaps debenhams might be a bit cheaper. Wait until the sales and take in a couple of existing items that you already like and ask them to mix and match. It's free and honestly the stuff is not necessarily massively expensive - I got several dresses for £30, and that's a whole outfit done, just like that. They are so good at finding what works for you, it's uncanny.

wenchelda one thing for me stood out and that was you asking us not to judge you because of where you shop. It doesn't matter where you shop but what you buy and how you wear it.

The others have given much better advice than I did. But I agree that you need to work out what you do want to look like. If you've had your colours done can you see a difference when you wear those colours? It may be worth buying a couple of scarves or necklaces in your best colours to start off with to help you start feeling great.

Thanks for all the advice everyone ... I think part of the problem is not really knowing how I want to look. I guess that's where blogs / Pinterest can help with getting ideas. I will start looking ... Any suggestions for blogs to get me started?

Also as someone said ... It's like I don't want to be dressing like a teenager but at the same time don't feel "grown up" enough for other things.

My 3yr old has just started school in the nursery class and already the play dates / birthday parties have started so now I have lots of other mums to compare myself against and want to "fit it", whilst at the same time still being me.

If you google these blog names.

Does my bum look forty in this?--
Quite a polished look, but very accessible and lots of high street shopping as well as high end.

Wearing it today- a fashion stylist blog, but she is a mum. Sometimes too on trend for me (leather skater skirt?,) but aspiration a land some weekend mum looks I like.

What I bought today- quite young and fadhiony, but still some nice casual looks and quite high street based.

School run mum- hit and miss for me but good to nose.

I like also looking at the little catalogues and look books from Mail Order companies I get through the post like-
Massimo dutti
Boden
Toast
Acne.

For total shopping dreaminess, head over to Plumo.com, I love it, but it's tres tres expensive!

My mate wore today-
Breton stripe tunic dress from sainsbos
Indigo skinnies from primark
Black biker boots from Clark's
Pleather sleeveless jacket-h&m
Hair up, nice make up, silver stud earrings, and she always has a nice manicure (squoval shape with navy polish)
She looked stunning and total cost was about £150, which included a pair of decent leather boots that will last years.

If I understand you correctly you just want to fit in - not look bang up to date or over the top but just slot in and feel part of the crowd. I really empathise, check out these two books - From Frumpy to Fabulous (Flaunting It) is my favourite and You Are What You Wear (What Your Clothes Say About You) both on Amazon. They really helped me raise my game :) Good luck x

I'll suggest two things:

1. Another blog: This one.

Don't be put off by the fact that the model blogger is clearly an extremely accomplished dresser. If you look through the archives it's clear that even she was frustrated by the changes wrought by pregnancy and having to work around a small baby. Again, she mixes high and low very convincingly. But what I like best (and I don't much care for style blogs) is the restraint in her wardrobe. The same items worn again and again in different ways. The limited colour palette. The simplicity. You could mimic the look from Primark and be impressed I think.

2. This will be killing two birds with one stone now that at least one of your DCs is mobile - try to get to some art galleries as often as you can. (This might be something you did more of pre-children - I don't know.) It's all very well poring over blogs and magazines but they are essentially selling what's saleable. Wander round some 17th century portraits - or notice the way Francis Bacon sketches the line of someones back or how Freud embraces flesh. You will eventually come away with an enhanced sense of all the many ways it is possible to be. You'll find a path to dressing from the inside: out. And entertain your Dc at the same time.