trouser despair! I think I am beyond help........

[sweetheart]

My lower half is crap basically - I have a hugh bottom, even bigger thighs and chunky calf's, all on very short legs! All that seems to be in the shops are bloody skinny trousers or leggings neither of which suit my body shape at all!

Trousers I can't wear are:-

Anything skinny - too tight on calf and generally a bad shape
Anything cropped - already short legs look even shorter
Anything with pockets - my shape makes them gape and stick out
Buttons / fastenings at the front aren't ideal - they bulk out my already large bottom half (I much prefer a side zip)
Anything too wide - makes me look even wider than I am already
Any material too thin - shows up my cellulite

Are there ANY trousers out there that I can wear? I get super cold and winter is just going to be horrible if I can't come up with a solution!

Oh I forgot - Anything with pleats, they just seem to make me look even bigger than I am

I'm a pear shape and although fairly slim i have a large behind and saddlebags and muscular lower legs. I find the most flattering things on me are skater and circle skirts that hit the slimmest part of my thigh. You could try this with thick/wool tights?
I wouldn't give up on skinny jeans, tighter clothes are generally more flattering then swathes of material. Try wearing them with a long top/jumper that again, hits the slimmest part of your thigh. You can wear leggings/tights underneath to keep warm, this will also smooth out any unwanted lumps and bumps!

I have to admit in winter I do follow many of the rules you've mentioned because I feel they look ok with a pair of knee high boots to balance me out but in summer I just don't feel I can get away with the look in flip flops or ballet pumps.

I am like you. My calves are ok, bit I have fabulous saddlebags and chunky thighs. (I am stunning irl by the way, cough cough). I think we might have had this conversation before??

I bought 2 of these Gap trousers this summer and they are as flattering as it gets I think. Esp worn with any bit of a heel. I hope they do some for Winter.

They have slanty front pockets which hugely unflattering on me, but I had them sewn closed and they're fine.

Oh. Meant to say, size down on the Gap trousers and don't buy them as loose as on the models. Seriously, I have had lots of compliments on them, they are v flattering. Loose-ish on the calf too.

See now the fact that you had to get the pockets sewn closed are what puts me off. I'm adverse to altering clothes - how do you know that you'll ike them once you've altered them - therefore rendering them un-returnable.

I know what you mean. Paying for something and having to fix it. But now I'm used to altering, I don't mind it at all. I suspect I have altered every pair of trousers/jeans I own. I alter after pinning, so i know i'm happy enough and I sew down ALL those slanty pockets.