Today I did a bad thing- bikini trauma

[GrumpyKat]

So today I went and tried on a bikini. In TKMaxx. What on earth was I thinking? Clearly it looked dreadful, I looked like a pale and flabby sausage in a skin two sizes too big in the worlds most unflattering lighting.
The problem is that I have to wear a bikini on the beach in just under three weeks. I've lost about a stone and a half since being quite ill last year and it's left my skin larger than me iyswim. And the illness means that I retain fluids as well, making me look odd and lumpy. I actually look ok in clothes, but DREADFUL when squished into a bikini/swimwear. I'm about a 12 on the inside and a 14 including skin!
Does anybody have any good body smoothing/toning techniques? Unfortunately I can't do any cardio exercise either so I'm just really....baggy. Particularly my thighs and tummy.
Please help!

Epsom salts in the bath water - I used then when I had cramps after running, they are really good for water retention and when you're feeling bloated.
Also - if you're feeling brave - cold/warm showers. If your budget allows Clarins Tonic or Anti-Eau oil are brilliant for this.

I'm doing the epsom salts bit as my acupuncturist instructed, it does help and my edema (kidneys are malfunctioning) is far more under control.
Olivo I know exactly what you mean! Last October I weighed a stunning three stone more than I do now, two of which I put on in fluid in just over two weeks. The sag that it's left behind is bizarre, and I can't see that it'll ever go away. Underneath I actually have pretty good muscle structure but on the top? Good lord!

Norbert, that could have been so embarrassing, hurrah for holding your tongue just long enough for you to get what he meant!

agree]
one pieces look like you have a terrible scar to cover

( at the mo - fashions chnage)

But where do you hide the overhang in a bikini? The polyhydramnios skin hanging over two CS scars is not pretty to look at?!

Agree Olivo, there is nowhere to hide! But, have a look at the for lola ones, they look lovely

I think that a well
Chosen one piece will look great as you will wear it with aplomb!

Seconding For Luna!! I love mine!!

I don't know... I just think that chunky cut swimwear (a la 1950's or swim shorts) just make you look chunky. It's not like you can't see the person is a wobbly 16 or whatever.

At least a bikini doesn't leave bulges plus you look more confident (thereby convincing everyone to look elsewhere for their insecure smirking)

oh no to those horric retro ones

nothing says english woman abroad more, fgs
would these pants work?
www.figleaves.com/uk/product/FE-FS5478/Fantasie-Guadeloupe-Deep-Gathered-Bikini-Brief/?size=&colour=Pinks

i like this a LOT
www.figleaves.com/uk/product/FE-FS5490/Fantasie-Key-West-Fold-Bikini-Brief/?size=&colour=Pinks

the retro ones make you look like Kirsty Bloody allsop

DONT DO IT, you will look like you are an extra in a 1940s seaside drama

I've not worn a bikini since my teens and I've been to many different countries and never felt self conscious in a one piece. I've never been the only one wearing one either, you should wear whatever you feel comfortable in

Like Malteserzz I haven't worn a bikini since my teens, been on holiday in many countries, never felt self conscious in a one piece and never been the only one to wear one.

The good news is that having turfed out my cupboards and tentatively tried on my swimwear from way back when.....it fits!! Bloody all of it! So it's sit ups and sucking in for me this holiday.
The bad news is....no bikini shopping. Oh well!

Thanks all for your opinions and assistance.

I have a lovely 1950's style gingham Seafolly (Australian) - it's gorgeous and what's wrong with looking like a Brit abroad, that's what I'd be. I quite like Brit style! I'm not keen on tiny bikinis but whatever makes you feel good you should wear.