Vanity issues re another pregnancy

[equiliteral]

Wasn't sure where to post this. I mean this in a lighthearted way (although have name changed as a bit embarassed about it) so please don't flame me (this is why I'm posting in S&B - hopefully you lot will be more able to see things my way).

Anyway, many moons ago I used to be a lovely slim size 8. I could wear what I wanted without really giving it a thought. Then I became pregnant with DC1. Suddenly my exercise routine went out of the window (I did tonnes pre-DCs). I put on 4 stone during that pregnancy , going from 8 to 12 stone (well, inlcuding the 9lbs of baby and associated stuff). It didn't just "fall off". I had an EMCS. My tummy has never looked even vaguely the same. I got down to 9 stoneish, then got pregnant again. Even being far, far more careful I still put on almost 2 stone.

With a massive amount of exercise and dieting, I'm now back down to about 8 and a half stone, which I'm happy with (but I have to exercise every day to maintain this, and finding the time is hard). My tummy however is a bloody awful mess - seperated tummy muscles, 2 CSs now, it will never look good again, and is worse after DC2 than it was after DC1. Other parts of me are not where they should be and almost 2 years of broken sleep are taking their toll. I look just about OK in clothes, but I have to be careful about what I wear.

DC2 is almost 2. We really would like a DC3 (really, I would!), and I'm 35 so we should probably do something about it soon. But I simply cannot bear the thought of piling all of the weight back on again (I'm only 5ft 2 and don't carry weight well), and having to work so hard to sort it out, and the propsect of what another pregnancy might do to my disaster zone of a tummy. I'm too much of a scaredy to consider a tummy tuck at the end of it all (which DH has suggested... I might even be eligible for one on the NHS if my muscles got worse, but I just don't think I could go through with it).

Has anyone else felt like this? Would someone like to give me a kick up the bottom and tell me to stop being so vain?

I don't think you're vain. It's a massive thing to give your body over to pregnancy, childbirth and maybe breastfeeding. Your body changes forever. We both know it's worth it but it doesn't mean you have to be thrilled about it!

I've only had 1 DD who is 14 months. DH is desperate for another but I'm not ready just yet. I'm enjoying having my body back for the time being. I think he respects that and he knows I do want another baby in the future.

Did you exercise during your pregnancies? Would that help? I did quite a bit with DD but I worry I won't find the time with a second.

I understand - I'm so frightened of what pregnancy and labour could do to my body (primarily serious birth injuries, but also aesthetic considerations) that I've decided not to have any children at all... Admittedly, I wasn't keen on the idea of having them anyway, but the potential long-term consequences for my body was the deciding factor for me. Fortunately I made that decision long before DH and I got married, so he's fine with it.

If you both really want a third, is there anything that would make the changes to your figure more bearable for you? A gym subscription and time to exercise all the way through pregnancy and afterwards (once the baby is old enough to be left), perhaps? Or a personal trainer and a new wardrobe once your body has settled down after the birth?

While I don't think you should feel guilty for putting your happiness and self esteem before your (and DH's) hopes of having another child, I do wonder if you will come to regret it IF this is your only reservation about having DC3. We're all going to get old and probably fat and unattractive if we live long enough, and your children will (God willing) still be making your happy long after your looks have faded, so it would be a shame to sacrifice your hopes of having another child just for a few more years of being satisfied with your appearance.

Baby or body? If your even worrying about that you can't desperately want another baby. And I say that as someone who is actually quite vain.

I don't think you're being vain at all. I only have one DC too and through a mixture of good luck and good genes have snapped back into shape and I have to admit it's a big relief. Like PastaDee I want to enjoy my body while I can because I can't believe I'd be so lucky the second time around.

I think there are two separate things, though - the weight and the tummy muscles. The former might be the natural weight that we all put on as we get older. The tummy muscles is different and it sounds like it's something that really upsets you. If you do have a DC3, you could make it clear to your DH that having the time to exercise on your own throughout your pregnancy is part of the deal (same goes for when baby's old enough to be left). Apart from anything else it will give you much-needed headspace to be kind to yourself.

Agree that a whole new post-DC wardrobe can work absolute wonders. Many women only find their true style around 40 - and if you did have a DC3 perhaps it's around then that you'd have the freedom to wear lovely, flattering clothes again! But in any case, don't feel like you have to dismiss your concerns. I've always admired Gwen Stefani for admitting openly just how hard she has to work to stay looking as good as she does!

And just another thought: if you do get pregnant, and you know it'll be the last time, then, dammit, enjoy it and work it! None of this oversized jumper malarky - get your hands on the most beautiful quality maternity wear you can (Ebay should be good for this so you won't have to spend a fortune). Who gives a shit if you'll only wear the clothes for a few months? At least you'll feel good about yourself.

I agree yet another thing I didn't realise until pregnancy number four. You can look good and do deserve a facial and haircut whilst pregnant and exercise is great but not stuff yourself full of chocolate hob nobs really is the key.

I also felt the same as you - I have three but my youngest dd was quite a small baby so didn't make things any worse in that respect. Your tummy might improve over time - mine definitely did. My boobs were utterly ruined though - I had a boob job because I couldn't stand the way they looked.

I understand you OP.

I managed to emerge relatively unscathed from my one pregnancy/birth. Have a terrible tiger bread taxtured tummy but am back at my pre-pregnancy weight, boobs point the right way and I don't piss myself when I sneeze.

Part of my decision not to have another DC is because I really really don't want to end up with a birth injury/knackered pelvic floor/boobs I can tuck in my socks.

Think I've watched too many episodes of Embarrassing Bodies.

Agreed about buying nice maternity stuff. My last pregnancy I bought some Isabella Oliver then sold it on ebay afterwards.

I understand

I'm 20w with no 2 now and I'm already so big. I just get ravenous when pregnant! I hate it. I hate that I won't look like me again until Christmas really and that I'll have to exercise like mad for that. And I'm so tired I look crap.

DH wants 3 but I've already said this is likely to be the last.

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I feel slightly less embarrassed now that I know that I'm not the only woman in the world ever to feel like this. Some of your comments have been really insightful. I've never really got to grips with exercise in pregnancy to be honest - the exercise that I mainly do when not pregnant (horse riding - I have a couple of horses) and playing hockey are not really pregnancy-compatible (I've never been comfortable doing them while pregnant, anyway). With DC2 I did quite a lot of walking, messed about in the gym a little (without really knowing what I was doing) and did a pregnancy yoga class (nice, but I'm not sure it would qualify as exercise), but not really enough to keep me "in shape".

Curtsey you are spot on about there being 2 issues. The weight one I can live with, as I know I can control it - ultimately if I have to lose a couple of stone I will do it. The tummy muscles though... not sure what I can do about that! My 2 babies have been 9lbers, which is big compared to the size of me (perception - any tips on growing a small one?!), and I think has just been too much. It is terrifying to think what a third might do (although maybe it wouldn't actually get any worse?).

PastaDee you make a good point about giving your body over. I'm actually still BF almost 2 year old DC2 (only at bedtime, but still). I still don't completely feel like 'me'.

But lots of good suggestions re how to manage things and make it all a bit less grim. I'm going to compile a list from your posts. I'm almost 100% sure that we will go for DC3 but I'm just struggling to get into the right place this time, and putting it off and off for body-issue reasons. I think I struggled far less with DC2 as I really hadn't made nearly as much effort to get back into shape after DC1, so didn't have the same hang ups about all of my hard work going to waste.

Ah, well I had two babies who were over 8lbs and then a 6lb baby - which was due to a very stressful pregnancy I think! (so probably not something to be recommended). Stress clearly has an impact as my friend who has three children has two who were over 9lb and one who was 6lb- during this pregnancy she had a stressful court case.

Have you seen a physio about your tummy muscles equiliteral? My muscles separated after all 3 of my pregnancies, after DC's 1 and 3 I had a really good physio who helped me get them more or less back together, that combined with some 1-2-1 Pilates after DC1 (I learnt so much from that and still do it daily when I can) has helped my muscles massively. My tummy won't ever be the same as it was pre-dc's but I do feel a lot better about my body.

With my 3rd pregnancy I only put on a small amount of weight and then it fell off again pretty quickly. My 3 are close in age so life is pretty non stop, I always seem to be on the go walking to school and nursery and back. I'm lighter now than when I fell pregnant with DC1.

Molly - I did see a physio after DC2, but only once when he was about 5 months old (referral took ages). She gave me some exercises to do, but wasn't that interested as by that time I'd sort of worked out what to do myself, and the gap was only 1.5 - 2 fingers (she said - I think it's def 2!). I still do exercises but I don't think the gap has closed any more. I have some 1-2-1 pilates sessions too, but only once every few weeks, and while I really enjoy it and do feel that it helps, I never seem to find the time to do it between sessions. Maybe I really need to make more time for that - at the moment all of my exercise time is spent doing high impact cardio / strength / burn calories & keep weight down type stuff! I wonder whether it would be worth going back to the physio... at least that would be an option after a DC3, I'd almost forgotten about it.

I wouldn't let the weight gain issue put you off having another as you wouldn't want to regret it in a few years for that reason.

The tummy muscles is a genuine concern and after 3 dc I know I couldn't have a 4th as it would totally ruin me physically ( I had separated muscles as well as other problems). If you go ahead then I'd really push to see the physio sooner than 5 months after the birth and really work on those exercises and continue to have Pilates sessions. I also wore a belly belt after dc3 which really helped hold everything in as I was getting really bad back pain with the lack of stomach muscles.

I don't think any of us ever look the same again naked after having kids and in my down moments I absolutely hate the saggy stretchy skin on my tummy but as my dh says' I'm looking pretty good for a 30something after 3 kids!

Equilateral, have you had a look at The Tupler Technique (would do a link to the book on amazon if I had any idea at all how to do it!) it's really very good and I think she might have one for during pregnancy too.

Body wise: strength stuff as well as cardio makes a massive difference to how you look and feel.

Keeping your skin nice (good diet, exercise, exfoliation, moisturising, all the dull stuff) is essential to feeling good.

Then the superficial but completely necessary things: hair, make up, nice clothes.

I had my third after a lot of soul searching, some vanity related - like the little varicose vein on my leg that could have got massive but is still, 3 kids later, pretty teeny really.

Having a baby is a huge amount of work for every part of you, like you don't know this already!! I guess if you go in there with a plan of action you'll get baby no 3 and feel happy about how you look.

Hth xx