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Original poster

Dressing for a funeral. (my Dad's).

51 replies

hellymelly · 18/09/2012 22:01

My darling Dad died two days ago. I now realise that I will have to find something to wear for the funeral, both for myself and my 80 year old mother. I don't wear black much normally, it doesn't suit me, and so the only things I have in black are either very casual or full on evening wear. I wear 30's or 40's things if I'm wearing a dress, and I'm roughly a size 12 but should be a 10 (have put on a stone recently due to a thyroid problem) so although not a big dress size I am a bit chub. I like things to cover my knees and I am tallish. My Mum is also about a 12 but a typical old lady shape. I don't even have black shoes! Am frantically dealing with funeral arrangements all day and haven't had time to really look online (I live hundreds of miles from any half-decent city with naice shops). Very grateful for any ideas. Dark grey would be fine as would navy I imagine.

OP posts:
lurkingfromhome · 19/09/2012 15:54

You've had plenty of good advice here but I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you and your mum and I hope that soon you will be able to focus on all the great memories you have of your lovely dad. I'm so sorry for your loss.

lurkingaround · 19/09/2012 17:22

I feel like madmomma. I also wore something my father really liked on me. 9 years ago, I still have it and like it a lot. I think I'll keep the dress forever.

Hope these few days go ok for you.

Dollydowser · 19/09/2012 20:17

You're welcome hellymelly, I'm sorry for your loss.

If you want to see some photos of a few Pepperberry customers in the dress, you can look at photos on their Facebook page.

timetopost · 19/09/2012 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hellymelly · 19/09/2012 23:24

Thankyou for such lovely messages as well as frock advice. I wonder,( I am organising the service) did any of you who have lost their Dad have readings that you felt really fitted the occasion?

OP posts:
gastrognome · 20/09/2012 07:10

Hellymelly, at my dad's funeral my brother read out a lovely poem called Everness, by Jorge Luis Borges. It's a translation from Spanish, but the English version is just as poignant as the original.

Original poster
hellymelly · 20/09/2012 14:26

Gastro that is really beautiful, thankyou for sharing that.

OP posts:
foofooyeah · 20/09/2012 14:57

Just wanted to add my condolences, for my dads funeral I wore a dress I already had - wnated to feel comfortable. You may want to book hair appts as well for the day or perhaps get someone to come in and do yours and your mums. Its a nice distraction on the day

spooktrain · 20/09/2012 15:30

So sorry to hear about your loss (((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))

I read this at my father in law's funeral in April

timetopost · 20/09/2012 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hellymelly · 21/09/2012 11:16

Thankyou, that is beautiful piece. How touching that you later found it in your Dad's things.
I am waiting for clothes to arrive now, have ordered Hobbs dress and one from Cath Kidston, think i will order the Viyella oine too. and have also ordered a vintage dress from America which is costing a small fortune to post super fast. At least I will have choice hopefully! Mum wants to wear trousers as her legs are a bit swollen, so she now has a blouse and some trousers and I need to get her a black cardigan. I don't have shoes yet- am going to browse today. I like Chie Mihara shoes but they are horrendously expensive.

OP posts:
timetopost · 21/09/2012 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigerdriverII · 21/09/2012 22:13

Hi Hellymelly

I am so sorry for your loss. It can hit you hard and unexpected.

One thing I would say, I wore a dress I had already and some perfume which I liked. But now, nearly three years on from my dads funeral, both the dress and worse still the perfume which I really liked are in my mind "funeral" stuff and I feel a bit odd wearing them. Oddly enough I have the perfume on tonight and the first thing I thought was "funeral"

I hope you get everything sorted out - its such a weird time, but you will get through it.

Original poster
hellymelly · 21/09/2012 22:17

thankyou- the planning is pretty stressful. I have to work out the order of service and get that to the undertakers in time for it to be printed up. Each day seems to bring some new panic, i will be glad when the funeral is over. I had to choose a coffin yesterday . Was surprisingly difficult to get something just plain, in solid wood. (although I could have easily got one with the rather ironic Last Supper carved in relief on the sides). And surprisingly expensive ! Who knew that a coffin could cost so much.
Cath Kidston dress arrived, is a bit shorter than I would like so I'm waiting to see what everything else is like. and I still need shoes and to work out what to put on the dds (5 and 7). Its exhausting enough even without the grief.

OP posts:
Original poster
hellymelly · 21/09/2012 22:18

tiger- I did wonder whether I shouldn't wear my usual perfume, for just that reason.

OP posts:
tigerdriverII · 21/09/2012 22:50

I would say no, don't use it - smell really stays with you. But do think about wearing something that will be a memory of the day, that would be a nice thing to remember

Dollydowser · 22/09/2012 13:54

4 girls wearing the Pepperberry dress

AntPants1 · 22/09/2012 15:14

Hellymelly I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my father 7 years ago. A couple of things:

I never wore the outfit again. I honestly expected to wear it again and kept it for years but in the end I never did. I wore a black pencil skirt and a fitted cardigan in green with a white vest underneath (BF DD at the time)

I wrote my father a letter detailing all the things I loved about him- his encyclopaedic knowledge, his corduroy trousers and terrible jumpers, his endless kindness and love. And of course how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him. I read that at the funeral and slipped it into his coffin as I left. My sister read a poem. I will try and dig it out.

We played music we knew he had loved, some of it dating back to the 60s when he and my Mum met.

It was a wonderful day. The one person who would have loved it with all his family and friends there was, ironically, my dad.

My DD was 6 weeks old and I dressed her in a colourful babygro. Everyone loved having a baby around. I am sure everyone will feel the same about your DC and no one expects (or wants to see) a child in black so just dress them in something comfortable.

TunipTheVegemal · 22/09/2012 15:16

So sorry about your dad HellyMelly x

Don't worry too much about what the children wear. No-one will mind.

AntPants1 · 22/09/2012 15:17

This is the Poem my sister read.

www.poemhunter.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all/

I hope it goes ok. All the best

lurkingaround · 22/09/2012 21:57

I second Tunip re the kids being dressed. There were plenty of grandchildren at my Dad's funeral, dressed nicely but not funereal. It was lovely. (Sounds like a funny thing to say about a funeral but they were lovely) They brought a sense of ease and natural-ness to the funeral.

I hope you and your Mum are doing ok.

Original poster
hellymelly · 22/09/2012 22:28

Dolly i really like that dress and it would suit my shape but I can see looking at the pics that it will be too short . I hate my knees and like dresses to come to at least a few inches below, and as I am quite tall I think that one will be on the knee. I would order it otherwise, it was helpful to see all those pics as I was about to buy it but I can see now it won't suit me. Thanks for posting that.

OP posts:
MirandaGoshawk · 22/09/2012 22:41

Hi hellymelly

I'm very sorry for your loss. My Dad died a few years back. Before the funeral is a funny old time, and the funeral itself was horrible IME, but things are better once it's over. You say you can't wear green but green is a funeral colour, not just black. Like slinkyboo upthread, funny, I expect it's the same skirt. I wore it to DH's Aunt's funeral so it's at the back of the cupboard as my funeral skirt. It's very dark and is a sort of blue/green.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about what to wear. It's only for a couple of hours & no-one will notice as long as it's not pink stripes! My friend wore a shaggy white fake-fur coat & brown leggings to her DH's funeral & I'm sure no-one minded.

Dollydowser · 23/09/2012 08:58

You're welcome. Yes it looked too short on the first girl. Its very handy when they post photos, sorry that has ruled it out for you and I hope you find another dress you like.

livealoha · 23/09/2012 09:29

Hi Hellymelly so sorry for your loss.

I haven't read the whole thread but from my experience (my dad died earlier this year) just wear something you feel comfortable and nice in and something your dad would like, it doesn't have to be black.

Don't think about anyone else just your family.

We wore colours, my dad thought we were beautiful Grin! so we all made a special effort to look pretty for him.

My mum wore navy.

Our children wore rugby shirts grandpas favourite.

We had a private committal beforehand for family and close friends and then a thanksgiving for his life. It was a beautiful service with some funny and some sad words spoken but the essence of the man who was my dad was all around and like one of the other posters said it was a special day that my dad would have enjoyed so much.

You will get through it, it does feel like limbo right now but the funeral will help and then somehow after that you are able to start the process of grieving.