Am I being a bit defeatist? Can I just "give in?"

[Eliza22]

I'm 50 in a couple of months. I've worn well, considering. Some days I look shite....tired, out of sorts and in need of a week off . Some days, if I say so myself, I still turn heads. I'm not pretty. I know this. My mother informed me, aged 10 that my sister was the pretty one and that I was attractive, that there was "something about" me. All good. And yes, my sister really was the pretty one and that was ok.

My point is, is 50 too young to give in a bit? Just a bit? Not to have to try so hard? All my life, I've been about to lose a stone or just lost a stone or just put the stone back on again! I'm tired of slogging it out at the gym. I don't want to get fat, as such. I'm a generous size14 generally with a typical "pear" shape to me. My shape is changing though. Middle age rolling on, I guess. And my chest is getting bigger....no complaints from DH, there but I'm not how I was at 25 or 35 or even 45.

I know it's all superficial and that being healthy and reasonably fit is key but, sod it! I want to give up on this war with my body. I want to stop feeling bad about not being skinny and looking a bit crap in jeans (I rarely, very rarely wear them but am off today and am relaxing in them). I'd like to feel its Ok to look like me rather than trying to attain the "less is more" look. My dh, in the past, has been used to women who are very very slender, almost boyish with no chest, no hips no bum. He says he loves that I have those curves, those "attributes". A friend's hubby, who I've known all my life, greeted me recently with a big hug and said "come here you gorgeous womanly creature". So, why oh why am I, and I'm not alone here, trying to "shrink" myself?

Is it ok to give in now, at 50, and just be as nature (and generations of women, on my mum's side of the family) intended? Incidentally, my friend whose hubby described me as gorgeously womanly has known me fatter and thinner than I am now. His wife, my lifelong friend and I have known each other since school. She is a keen sports woman, cycling all over the place and built like a racing snake so, that I think, is why he's appreciative of a near Nigella shape!

Anyone any comments?

Who are you comparing your self to? If you are healthy and can wear what you want, why keep fighting against it. its like trying to have straight hair when all it wants to do is curl- at some point youve got to stop, embrace what makes you you

I hate this pressure we put ourselves under to be in a 'mould'

Dont give up completely though....no chin hairs please

Oh and having a big smile and nice personality FAR more important than looking good in jeans

I think that there's a lot of difference between stopping putting constant pressure on yourself and 'giving in'.

I'm starting (aged 35) to come round to the idea that life is too short to constantly struggle to fit into a totally arbitrary 'ideal' shape, size, tan, hair colour etc etc.

Although I agree about the chin hairs. Let's not get carried away

I suppose I'm doing it for me, really. Insecurity? That's crap, at my age!

I have a hairy mole on my face though, cybbo.... And when the twig protruding from it (for I foolishly plucked it when it was a soft downy litte hair) reaches a certain length, I play DH a banjo tune on it, the theme to the film "Deliverence", much to his amusement! Just one more reason why he loves me, I suppose !

It depends what you mean by letting go. If you mean no more exercise, eating what you want, not bothering with the hair any more, unkempt nails and feet etc, then absolutely not. Now is the time you should be letting none of the above happen.

It sounds like your figure is curvy and there's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with keeping it that way. What about gentle exercise like Pilates and swimming?

Beyond that, I'm not totally sure what your definition of 'letting go' includes??

Eliza I'm not your age but I had two moles on my face and got rid of both and that's one of the best things I ever did, aesthetic-wise. If I get any more, or liver spots etc, I'm getting rid.

Agree re chin moustache... just no.

Lord no! I've got good hair, good skin and very very green eyes (thanks Mum!!). I look after myself. I cut my finger nails very short for practical reasons, but my toe nails are always a lovely jewel red, as my feet are knarled from years of ballet shoes!

No, this is all about shape, I guess. If I work real hard, I can drop a dress size and be who I see myself as..... But, I always revert back to "me" shape, over time. That's the battle, the battle with body shape and I've been at it, to varying degrees, for 40 yrs!

I may not have explained myself well.

My sister had a revelation a few months ago after stressing that her constant dieting was affecting her young DD. She was speaking to a friend and said 'I have been within half a stone of this weight for the last 25 years, why can't I change it?' Her friend replied 'because this is obviously the weight that you're meant to be'. My sister said that it was like a lightbulb going on in her brain and she has resolved from then on to make the best of what she's got.

She is 43 and honestly looks the best (and happiest) I have ever seen her.

I rarely have the confidence to be more than a lurker on this wonderful forum, but I really wanted to contribute to this one! OP you sound fantastic! I am 51 and was always the plain Jane of the family as a child and young woman. I have 3 younger siblings that upstaged me in just about every way possible (and continue to do so...).

Since my late 40's however, I attract more male attention than I ever have in my life and seem to get a lot of compliments about looking young for my age. I have accepted that as a size 14, my preferred choice of a 10-12 is probably in the past. I don't wear uncomfortable clothes just for the 'look', but if I seach hard enough I can find a comfortable option for most styles that I want to wear. Even jeans....just had to try on loads of different pairs.

I try not to lament the loss of tone in various facial and bodily locations! I find lovely products/garmets to disguise the imperfections as best I can, and try to smile a lot. I guess one of the advantages of being older (for me, anyway) is that I can afford more than I could when younger.

I exercise, by doing brisk walks while chatting and joking (slightly breathlessly) with lovely friends, accepting that I should probably do more..........And I think the world would be a miserable place with no carbs, especially pasta!

Like you my boobs have got bigger and the middle age spread and wobble isn't especially welcome, but I get so many more compliments than when I was younger, that I'm learning to accept my changing shape and consequently moaning about it less.

There are some things I won't let drop though...superfluous hair removal, gel nails, modest makeup routine and taking it off at night, and a good haircut/regular professional blowdry are my important ones.

I don't really know what you are asking.

Why do you need anyone else's "permission" to do what you please with your figure and looks?

It's a personal choice.

My mum is 85 next month and has never "given in"- she still paints her finger and toe nails, loses the odd 5 lbs if it's crept on, and likes make up and clothes. She's a size 14 top 34F boobs!- and 12 borttom.

I am 56 and have no intention of ever giving in either- my appearance is important to me and I take an active interst in how I dress, love subtle make up, and eat well and exercise for health as much as anything.

It sounds to me as if you have self esteem issues from childhood that you are linking to your appearance - and trying to "please" people- and maybe, seriously- you would benefit from some counselling to sort out these issues, so you are happy with who you are- whether that's a size 14 or a size 10.

Don't let yourself put on too much weight. Type II diabetes and osteoarthritis in hips and knees are both weight related, and at 50 you can't pretend they are years in the future. You don't want to end up disabled because of "letting go".

You can't give in yet, at least not for another 10 years. Now you have to work even harder. When you are in 60's you can relax a bit, but only a bit..

Actually, it's heart disease that is the biggest killer of women over 50, and the huge increase in breast cancer is linked very directly to being even a stone overweight post menopause. Reasons enough to keep trim, regardless of how you look!

I hope my boobs grow as I get older

I think part of getting older and wiser is accepting your body shape and the limitations of it. I would love to be a size 10 but the only time I've ever got to that size has been a result of disordered eating or significant stress. I've now learned to accept my natural body shape and inclination for my weight to settle at size 12-14.

I look after my body and exercise a lot, simply because I love running, it's a great stress reliever and it gives me respect for my body. I don't stress about a few extra pounds though, and hopefully that won't change.

Hi Eliza, I'm the same age as you and sort of get what you mean, but the way I look at it is that I haven't 'given in' - meaning I don't want to now put on 3 stone and start wearing comfy slacks - but I am now happy with how I look instead of trying to be a stone lighter as I did in my 20s which was always an effort. My body seems happy to stay the size it is with normal eating and drinking and I'm not exactly fat (12-14 5'6") so why stress and strain to be lighter?

Ok, ok.....I'm not about to take to the sofa, vegitate and gain 3 stones. I don't think I have body/weight/appearance issues from childhood. What I'm saying is, it suddenly feels so much harder to stay at a weight that allows me to wear the things I'd like to wear.

I am fairly fit. Go to the gym. Walk to/from school with my son, cycle to town if it's not chucking it down, have a very (quity newly remarried) sex life. Im no slouch, ladies! Yet, I'm dreading stepping off to a cozzie if we (can afford to ) go on a beach type holiday, this year. I already have bone problems with my hips due to " turn out" as I did ballet, professionally for years. I have friends whose knees went years ago so, I'm doing ok. But, maybe it's an age thing.....it gets harder.

[Rosebag] you sound like you have it together, there. Good for you! And [JessieEssex] your sister seems to have found "inner peace" regarding those stubborn 5lbs. Nice.

[ameliagrey] that was a little harsh. I'm not sure that I need counselling but I guess I need to think about just how moor taint it is to me, these days, to put in the time and effort I do, to TRYING to be a certain way. Your mum sounds great, by the way!

Christ this iPad drives me nuts!!

Sorry for typos. The above makes little sense. No wonder you can't work out what I'm talking about AMELIAGREY.

Apologies.

Sorry- didn't mean to sound harsh! I just picked up maybe wrongly- that you were battling with issues because your mum had always said your sister was prettier than you- and you seemed to be saying that you were trying to conform to someone else's idea of how you should look/weigh.

If that is not right, then sorry.

It does get harder to maintain weight as you get older- absolutely. I am not overweight but my weight fluctuates within a 4-5lbs range and as I am petite those extra pounds can make me look tubby round the middle. Before Middle Age I could get rid of the flab in 2 weeks- now it can take a month or more and I have to eat very little and exercise more. My lifestyle is also more sedentary as I have a desk job at home.

Just do what YOU feel happy with. If you are happy being size 14 then stay like that. But just be aware that " giving in" is a slippery slope and the weight cn creep on if you stop making any effort- and it's very ageing i think for older women.

Oooh Green eyes!

Blasted brown eye genes.

Very

I don't see anything wrong with giving in to not worrying so much about your appearance and feeling you have to live up to some ideal. But by all means keep your eye on the fitness ball because the older we get the more we need to stay healthy in our bones, heart, cholesterol, etc. etc... You sound like you are doing all that though - but just want to be a dress size bigger. Well why not then, it may suit you anyway.