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Mums smoking

1 reply

Clarenewme · 07/06/2025 19:11

Mum is elderly, has heart failure and COPD. She worked extremely hard in a stressful job (that she also loved) it was her own business and she had to give it up due to health. I (her daughter) have had a child, now nearly 2 years old.
I have watched and heard Mum cough and choke continually thorough the years and been constantly worried about the toll its taking on her, and now we know her health has got really bad.

She lives on her own a few hours from me. She can hardly ever stay with me because she gets too ill to travel very frequently but occasionally we make it work and she can spand a few days with my family.

She still smokes, but has cut down. I can't stop myself being snappy and generally rude around her because I am so angry that all the years I said 'please check your lungs are ok' and 'your cough sounds really bad' but it fell on deaf ears. We lost Dad a long time ago and I was hoping Mum could keep her health.

I don't think she has that long left to be honest. I know I will regret how I am towards her, the thing is I feel so guilty but I love her so much. She doesn't have much going on in her life unless she is with me and my family (she has 1 friend she sees occasionally to go for coffee) other than that she might go for one walk a day on her own. I know smoking is like a friend in a way.

How can I get over myself?

OP posts:
analewis · 07/06/2025 22:02

Clarenewme · 07/06/2025 19:11

Mum is elderly, has heart failure and COPD. She worked extremely hard in a stressful job (that she also loved) it was her own business and she had to give it up due to health. I (her daughter) have had a child, now nearly 2 years old.
I have watched and heard Mum cough and choke continually thorough the years and been constantly worried about the toll its taking on her, and now we know her health has got really bad.

She lives on her own a few hours from me. She can hardly ever stay with me because she gets too ill to travel very frequently but occasionally we make it work and she can spand a few days with my family.

She still smokes, but has cut down. I can't stop myself being snappy and generally rude around her because I am so angry that all the years I said 'please check your lungs are ok' and 'your cough sounds really bad' but it fell on deaf ears. We lost Dad a long time ago and I was hoping Mum could keep her health.

I don't think she has that long left to be honest. I know I will regret how I am towards her, the thing is I feel so guilty but I love her so much. She doesn't have much going on in her life unless she is with me and my family (she has 1 friend she sees occasionally to go for coffee) other than that she might go for one walk a day on her own. I know smoking is like a friend in a way.

How can I get over myself?

This is heartbreaking & full of love. It’s okay to feel angry grief can show up early when we see someone we love hurting. maybe when she’s ready you could gently suggest something like www.puffstats.com/. It helps track smoking habits and might give her a little extra support and for you just being there matters more than you know. Be kind to yourself too 🤗.

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