Why I smoke ...

[lmnohp]

I've name changed just in case ...

Can I ask why people smoke ? Apart from it being a habit ?

I'm not a heavy smoker, sometimes around 5 a day but when I'm depressed I smoke twice as much.

It's like I am punishing myself even more, feelings of very low self worth but instead of helping myself feel better, I actively do the opposite and care even less about my health.

Is this normal ? Do others do the same ?

I am so wanting to give me but until I find a happy place in my life I'm not sure I ever will.

When I went through a very low period a couple of years ago I also smoked twice as much (or more) than I would normally; which I can only describe as not caring about the associated health issues.

The 'you could get lung cancer' warning wasn't so much of a threat when I didn't feel I had much to live for anyway.

I'm much happier now and still smoke a bit (some days none, some days 2-3, if I'm out in a beer garden with friends that also smoke then significantly more). Honestly it's because I enjoy that first one with a glass of wine and it's a habit. The health concerns do weigh much heavier on my mind now though and I'm more inclined to think 'do I really want this one?' before I light up.

I'm terrible atm ... even though I know of the benefits and am even reading Allen Carr in prep, if I wake up feeling down, I find myself at the cig counter before I even know what I doing, and then I feel even worse about myself.

It's like a vicious circle ...

The ritual of smoking helps me manage my anxiety. That's why I had no luck vaping - I need the defined 'end point' of having a cigarette, the start to finish experience of smoking it .

I don't have any advice to offer other than, try not to put your life 'on hold' over giving up smoking. You could accept that (for the moment) you smoke and don't feel bad about it, and I think your happy place might arrive sooner if you let go of your guilt.

Or, you could take the view that giving up would help you reach your happy place sooner, and set a quit date to work towards.

You could consider vaping - it might work for you - as a path to giving up altogether. It's very much in your favour that you are a light smoker.

Wishing you the best of luck however you decide to address this.

@Arbadacarba I feel exactly the same, I just don't get the same satisfaction from a vape although do quite enjoy it in the evenings with wine!

I'm super busy at the moment, not stressed per se but have a lot to deal with and a cig feels like I'm giving myself a break. I do like it, but I hate smelling of it, and hate the morning hack...

I've downloaded a hypnotherapy tool which I'm intending to try but only once my busy period is finished...usual smoker's excuses! I d9 get annoyed with myself because I'm sensible, capable, can do anything I put my mind to but I can't seem to stop smoking...!

a cig feels like I'm giving myself a break

Yes, that's it exactly.

I felt like that for a long time, finances were the trigger for me, I had £70 left to last me a month - that absolutely would if I didn't smoke (I'd paid everything essential it was my 'spends' for little bits we wanted) and that was literally about half a months cigs.
So I bought patches and gum instead and took the plunge because it was preferable to 2 weeks smoking and then cold turkey.
Almost 2 months ago now and I haven't had even one drag - not that I'm being all virtuous by saying that, more because I know how weak I am and finances are back to normal and I can afford to smoke this month (as it were) and if I buy some now, or even borrow one the last two months will have been a waste and there'll definitely be months like the one that made me give up again to come, and I'll be back to square one.
I think it's possible I will crack, I'll have a fuck it moment, I know what I'm like, a moment where my self worth is in the toilet and I don't think I'm worth the effort, I understand you feel like that, it's not an attention thing, but I do think it's your brains way of keeping you addicted, and I'm actually bloody resentful of my body and brain for doing that to me, why crave something that's so bad for me? It's a fucking idiot and I hate it sometimes.
That resentment and anger is what is keeping me going right now.
I don't want my body and brain holding me hostage to this chemical, it can fuck off, I'm sick of everyone telling me what I can and can't do, my own body and brain right now is the worst culprit!

You will do it when you find your reason, I will probably relapse at some point, but right now it's anger (probably from withdrawal!) That's keeping me going. I've ditched all the nicotine replacement now too, this is me, just me not chemically enhanced or affected...... Feel like a different person.
I struggled a few weeks ago and posted here (chat I think) some great suggestions about quitting from others.

I don't think I'd be good at vaping as I also like the start and end of a cigarette.
I also chew nicotine gum in between but that's another story 🙄

I do need to stop giving myself a hard time over it but I'm not getting any younger. I do find myself thinking if only I'd never started and what does it actually feel like to have never had a cigarette but there's no point in thinking like that 🤷‍♀️

I do have a lot on my mind atm so it's probably not good timing and I'd need to be in a good place to give up completely ...

Thank for your replies ... x

Well done @Iquitit.

Hopefully you won't relapse, as you sound 100% motivated, if the worst happens you will be able to get back on the wagon.

I do find myself thinking if only I'd never started and what does it actually feel like to have never had a cigarette but there's no point in thinking like that

You could think that about almost any choice you've made in your life - some choices are seemingly inconsequential and you have no idea what might have happened to you if you'd done something different. You are absolutely right there's no point in going down that route.

@Iquitit I need to read your post over and over ....
Don't give up girl .... you've done so well x x