I don’t expect much sympathy for my post for it isn’t even “1st world problems” (given how much REAL pain people share here), it’s more like “remote galaxy problems”, so it’s mainly a 1) rant/vent and 2) a question to anyone in the same situation “Do you feel the same? How do you cope? If you managed to improve, how?” (And if the Guardian zooms in, we’re all in for a ride :) ...)
I used to work full time for many years in the best possible jobs, given my interests. Yet, most time it gave me frustration, boredom, resentment how much time it steals from what I’d really want to do (such as reading), abuse from the people I managed, being signed off for stress and, finally, a nasty accident. Then the dream came true, and more: not only I’m loved and adored and love my husband, but I’m a housewife (no kids). Our financial situation made it possible: house with no mortgage, I have a regular income from a house I rent (no mortgage either). I go to bed thinking “thank fortune, I’m not going to the office next day” and wake up with the same gratitude.
Despite education, intelligence etc, I enjoy the the house tasks and do them as my contribution to our household, freeing the husband from it completely. And I love being on my own.
Yet I spend a few hours each day, 9am to 1pm, just sitting in the garden, smoking and drinking, wasting time in the name of “indulgence”. And it makes me feel like a pathetic weak shit who can’t appreciate their happiness by not being able to kick the bad habit. I tried, but the nicotine patches gave me the skin rash and the chewing gums made my stomach churl. If I didn’t smoke I’d drink much less. If there was a NHS pill, I’d take it but they don’t give it anymore. I have a weak will, and probably have an “addictive personality” - that’s how I feel.
I’m not shitfaced on booze when my husband comes home. He comes to a clean house, dinner and a loving wife, for I manage to do some housework beforehand (regular weekly cleaning/vacuuming, fresh dinners each day, filing, occasional switching of service providers for a better deal, being there for a delivery/workman visit etc). Yet I feel I should do more each day, waste less time, and make sure I’m healthy enough to live longer - for him and my Mum, the only two dear people in my life I have. My husband's as supportive as you'd get ever, he said "I met you and fell in love with you as a smoker and I know that you smoke. But if you want to give up - I'm here for you".
Do you have any “addiction”? Do you have any habits you’d rather not have? Are you good with your daytime to yourself? Are you pleased with what you achieve during the day, or feel any guilt?
Please note: this post isn’t about a “bored housewife”, “ready to cheat/play away” - I’m old enough to know better. It’s about being weak.