HELP Grandparents who smoke in the house

[Windiepanda2018]

Hey guys new to this so just wanted to get some advice on what people's thoughts are about smokers etc.

So my mother smokes smokes in her house still and I had a baby in February. We fell out when the baby was born as I had asked her to let me know when she was coming round etc and not just turn up. She fell out with me for two weeks about this and said I had made her feel like she needed to make and appointment to see her grandchild which wasn't what I meant. This was quite an emotional time as I had the baby blues and she had said she didn't want anything to do with us etc.

Anyway we sorted that issue and tried to move forward. Now I hadn't taken the baby to her house as she had two big dogs and still smokes in the house. This has caused a massive fall out and she is no longer on speaking terms with me. She did say that if I let her know the day before I was coming then she wouldn't smoke in the house that day.

I don't smoke never have done, and I understand that obviously people can't always quit etc but I'm not expecting that. But I don't feel like stopping the night before I come is good enough?

So because I've said if that's the case then I'm not bringing her round till she's a bit older to which we have fallen out again and it's been over a month now and she's not even contacted me to see how my child is.

Am I being over the top? My partners parents smoke in the garage now they have grandkids but my mother seems to just think it's me being over the top. She even smoked next to me while I was pregnant.

Any advice would be great

Yanbu.
Does your mother not care about the health of your baby? I would not take even older children to a house where someone smokes inside.
My parents smoke outside and I'm comfortable with that.

I think she's of the opinion that it never did ya any harm, and that I'm just being over the top.

I only live 5 minutes down the road as well so it's not like she can't visit.

She’s cutting off her nose to spite her face. She’s the one losing out, not you, not your baby.

If she wants to behave like a toddler, treat her like one.

Let her carry on and leave her to it.

Well then she will have to come and visit you
My partners mum smoked in the house and he still suffers from asthma now.

I'd limit contact to out of the house. Go to a park, walk round the shops or whatever takes your fancy. Not sure being older will protect your dd from the effects of your mum's smoky house. Can she come to your house instead?

Yeah I only live down the road so she was coming to mine to visit, but she's now said that I've made her feel like her house isn't good enough.

YANBU, it's disgusting. Maybe she feels that if she agreed that smoking in her house was a problem she'd be admitting she shouldn't have done it when you are a child either?

Well it isn't.

Stop trying to bend over backwards. Your baby takes priority and you make the rules. If she stops talking to you every time you parent then good riddance.

She even smokes next to my sister who still lives at home whilst my sister eats tea etc.

But she's of the stance that she will do what she wants in her own house. Which is fine but then I've said I'll do what I want with my child.

Well her house isn't good enough! I'm sorry for the rudeness but your mother is an idiot, plain and simple. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you into doing something potentially harmful to your child. Honestly, I just can't believe how stupid some people can be.

I'm known for being a particularly relaxed person but if my mother were a smoker, never mind not taking my child to her house - I wouldn't ever let her anywhere near my child and probably not even into my house because of the smell.Yuk.

She’s got two big dogs and smokes in the house...Mmm..that’s a no brainier. I think she can call in on you and make you a cup of tea or do some little jobs for you. That’s how mums help when you had a baby...

It just makes me sad that she will miss out with her grandchild but then I suppose that's her choice and I'm not backing down as I feel like I always back down to give her what she wants.

She's just made me feel like I'm being ridiculous.

Text:
"Mum I appreciate it might be difficult for you not being able to have DGD in your home but a smoking home is just not the environment for a baby. I have no rights to tell you what to do in your own home but I do want to refrain from expising DGD to 2nd gand smoke. You are welcome at mine anytime, just pop me a text first and I'll put the kettle on for us. I dont want this to put barriers between us, Im just doing whats best for her health"

Sorry for typos. You get the gist

Yeah I tried that. To which her reply was that she will not smoke when she is round or for that day and she won't be dictated to as to what she can and can't do in her house and if it wasn't good enough her doing that then there wasn't much she could do.

I have probably tried most I just wanted reassurance that I'm not being over the top.

Then tell her she needs to come to you and that's that. You won't be bringing baby to her home under any circumstances and if she chooses to miss out in her GD life over her own stubbornness then it's her loss.

And you are not overreacting. Not a bit.

YABU to expect her to change her behaviour in her own home days when you're not even there. She shouldn't smoke anywhere near a child, but you cannot change her behaviour, you can only change YOURS. That means stop taking your baby there. Meet at yours or in neutral places. I wouldn't take my baby to my aunts as it's like walking in to an ash tray

You are no being over the top, not in the least.

Your mother sounds like a very stubborn and difficult woman, back in the day everyone made have smoked and drank like a fish during pregnancy but not now. This is absolutely not on at all.

If she is missing precious time with her GD that is her lookout, she needs to learn to have some respect for your parenting choices. This is unlikely to be the first and only obstacle op, as she most likely will be the same GP stuffing your child with unwanted coke and giving her brandy to get her off to sleep!

Really draw up your boundaries now and she will have to get used to it.

Stick with your values and be kind but firm. No compromises on your child's health.

coke - sweets

She is showing you that she loves smoking more than she loves her grandchild. It's a pretty big and unpleasant statement. Make sure you show your child that you love them more than anything else by protecting them from this sort of bullshit. If it were so important to her to see her grandchild in her home, she would stop smoking. She won't, therefore she doesn't want it that much. She wants to keep smoking more. Let her. It is most definitely her loss, not yours.

My mums the same, she smokes in the house and always has done. She was angry at me for not taking ds over when he was born. We live 5 minutes away too. We only go over to theirs when it's sunny and sit in the garden. We don't talk about it now as she got very upset about it and talked to neighbours/my friends about it when she bumped into them who usually agreed with her and tried to make me feel like a dragon! Could you do that, just stay in the garden? It's a bit odd but I just leave ds playing with gp and go in and out to help with food/drinks. My mum goes inside to smoke or right at the back of the garden.

I completely understand your situation OP.

My mother has smoked since before I was born, throughout all her pregnancies and smoked around me when I was pregnant despite knowing I absolutely detest it. After I had my baby I told her she can't smoke when she stays at my house, at all. She's never smoked IN my house, but does in the garden and every time we take my baby out for walks and the smell and toxins get carried through and my LO is at the stage of putting everything in her mouth, and whilst I had no choice about being exposed to smoke when I was growing up, I will do everything in my power to ensure my LO isn't exposed to it.

Anyway, cue a fall out. She admitted she didn't have a defence against my request - who could honestly justify smoking around a baby? - but has come to the decision that rather than not smoke for the couple of days a year she visits she would rather not stay with me.

Fine, that's her choice, and one I had part in influencing because I told her my decision to ban smoking in and around my house is not negotiable. But I still think it's selfish. I don't care that smoking is an addiction, that's just an excuse. I know people who smoked and quit when they found out they were pregnant/expecting a baby. If you choose cigarettes over your child/grandchild, you're weak and selfish. I personally can't view it any other way and I'm completely unapologetic for it.

Unfortunately, for me and I suspect you too, smoking will always be a bone of contention. They know perfectly well smoking around a baby is unhealthy and unacceptable but if they're not prepared to stop for a few hours there is nothing we can do about it. The only thing we can do is ensure our babies home is smoke free and limit their exposure as much as we can. Unfortunately, no one can force someone not to smoke in their own house which may mean you taking an uncompromising stance which can be hard and spark several arguments, but if you feel strongly about it, you've got to be tough.

Good luck, I know it's a minefield

Thank you so much everyone for your replies made me feel so much better as I was being made out to be the bad guy and she is telling everyone I've hurt her by not taking my baby round it's ridiculous but I'm sticking to my guns.