Advice after stillbirth please

[fudgesmummy]

Hi Everyone,
I’m just after some advice please.
Sadly, my little baby great nephew has been stillborn ☹️
My nephew and his wife found out the baby had passed away on Sunday at 35 weeks and he was delivered by caesarean section this morning
I was wondering if any of you lovely people who have been through this, had any advice as to what would be the best way to show our love and support to them and his 4 year old big brother?
Would a general card sending our love and sympathy be best or did it give you comfort to receive a congratulations on his birth card?
I’m so anxious to get it right and not cause them any more pain than they are suffering at the moment

Hi - I'm sorry for your loss. I recently lost my daughter at 39 weeks. It has been a really horrendous time. I personally have not kept any of the cards I've received (they were all "thinking of you" type cards). They are of course a lovely gesture, but I didn't find comfort in displaying them or keeping them to look at in the future. Maybe others would. What has been helpful is friends reaching out to check in on me and listen to me talk about my daughter and the things I am struggling with. I have also received food delivery gift cards and ready meals, both of which were much appreciated.

Thank you @ivegotsunshineonacloudyday
I’m so sorry to hear about your darling daughter 🥲
The suggestion of food delivery gift cards is a good shout, I will definitely look into those
I hope life is gentle to you as you and your family negotiate such a sad time xx

A thinking of you card is better. I lost a neonatal brother and came close to loosing my daughter. There's nothing congratulationsy about it.

Agree with something like a few Cook ready meals. Grief leaves you very numb, and you still have to recover from birth.

Thank you @Esthai
Yes, I’m definitely thinking of a thinking of you all card.
And the poor love has got to recover from major surgery as well. ☹️
I’m so sorry about your brother, I hope your family were able to come to terms with his loss over time. And that your little girl is now fit and well ❤️ xx

I'm so sorry for your loss and for all the people on this thread who have lost their babies ❤️ it is the worst.
OP you are a wonderful great auntie just to be asking the questions.
My little boy was stillborn, his 6th birthday would be this June.
What made all the difference for me was people just being there, not being scared to talk to me, say his name, ask to see his pictures. You have the devastating loss of the baby and you also have the fact that you've been pregnant and given birth and most people want to just pretend it didn't happen so check on her too, make sure she's OK, ask about the birth etc.
I'm here if there's anything I can do or advise on. Ask away here or don't be afraid to PM me

Are you in a position to offer to take the 4yr old out to a park or soft play or for an ice cream or similar? Only if the parents were happy of course? It might be helpful for a small child to have a bit of “normality” (please, no offence meant in this at all), a chance to run and shout and scream and give the parents a chance to sleep or cry whatever they need.

Just to add, I have never been in this position so if this would not be helpful please ignore

Thank you @ANiceBigCupOfTea that is very kind of you to say so.
I am lucky enough to have 2 nieces, 6 nephews and 2 great nephews (and 2 little grandsons and a little granddaughter!!) who I love with all my heart ❤️
I’m so sorry about your son, I’m sure it doesn’t get any easier however many years that pass. I hope this birthday is gentle to you.
I have been talking to my sister in law by text over the last couple of days and she has been supporting her son and daughter in law.
We are a large very close family and they will receive plenty of love from us all.
One of the sad things has been knowing that my father in law had to tell my mother in law who has got advanced dementia and she just won’t understand.
But at least she won’t remember and will be spared the grief the rest of the family are feeling xx
(I should just add technically it’s my husband’s nephew, but I consider them mine as well)

i know you mean to be kind but I wouldn’t have wanted my child’s death discussed on a public forum.
Surely you can use your common sense.

@ChocHotolate
I’m recovering from major surgery myself so although they only live in the next town that’s not something I can do.
My sister in law, her husband and their 2 other adult sons live in the same town and are very close to the little boy so I know they will have that covered! 🙂 xx

No need for this. Having been through a loss myself, this place was a huge help to me at my lowest point.

OP @fudgesmummyI would say congratulations is not appropriate, but thinking of you is. Mention his name if he was given one and let them know you’re holding him close, or such like.

practical help is also appreciated. So sorry for your loss and to others on this thread.

Thank you @mellongoose
I just want to be as supportive as I can
I’m so sorry you have experienced loss as well xx

The family is anonymous. There are details of who they are in this post?

So sorry for your loss. As others have said I’d imagine practical help, food deliveries etc would be best. Or, depending on whether you can afford it and you think they’d accept it (maybe after coordinating with their parents?) just money transferred to their account so they have to worry a bit less about that aspect of life while your nephews wife is on mat leave.

One of the most thoughtful gifts I was given after losing my child in similar circumstances was a notebook. I wrote down everything I wanted to remember - things like messages of support or nice things I remembered about being pregnant. If they have any keepsakes, a really nice box to store them is a nice idea. Everyone is different though, so maybe ask gently what they need from you. Some bereaved parents want and need to talk, to keep things, to have photos but others don’t. Even asking shows support and that’s what’s needed. What the support looks like depends on what they feel they need. It’s kind that you are thinking about what you can do. So many people just shut their eyes and ears because it’s such a hard thing to deal with.

@SkyWalrus and @whpf some lovely ideas, thank you.
@SkyWalrus I’m so sorry you have experienced such a sad loss. xx

My friends bought me a ring with babies birth stone I have it on my finger 27 years later,

@DustyMaiden how absolutely lovely ❤️ I really hope it brings you comfort xx