Advice on managing feelings

[Meekmouse]

Years later I’m still battling with things coming out of the blue and upsetting me about my baby who died (late term loss). It’s usually something that causes me to think about that awful time or else how old my baby would be now.

I have friends and family who had healthy babies the same time and usually it doesn’t upset me being around them- they are, after all, very cute kids! And I wouldn’t wish loss on anyone.
But milestones still get me- the big birthday parties, first days at nursery/preschool etc. The photos I’m sent. it often surprises me that people don’t acknowledge my loss in any way anymore. I won’t go into specific examples at the expense of sounding crazy. My loss is forgotten and I get it because we should focus on the now and celebrate the good times now.

I did counselling at the time but I don’t think I really ever got advice on managing the triggers. I feel my partner doesn’t get it. He doesn’t say it but think I’m dramatic and attention seeking when I don’t want to go to the birthday party etc

Other loss mums and dads how do you manage your feelings? Any strategies?

Hi. I didn't want to read and run but not sure if I'll be any help as I am similar to you. My sister and I were due a couple of weeks apart. My daughter was still born at 38 weeks. Sister also had a girl, 4 weeks later, and I have struggled to spend any time with that child since. Every birthday party. Discussions around Christmas wish lists. Starting school. 1st hair cut. You name it, I have struggled to even feign interest.

It's almost a decade later now and I think it has damaged relationships with my sister in particular. I don't want it to. But I don't know how to switch off my feelings. I tried for another child afterwards but it was not to be. Sister has had 2 other children and I am fine with those.

It's hard, especially as people treat it like it's a dirty little secret after a while. They'll sympathise for a bit. Then seem to think you should just move on coz it's not like you have "any real memories of that baby" :(

I was at a funeral yesterday of a friend's dad. Everyone saying things to like, it's a sad day etc. And I don't want to take away from their grief, but the man was 94, bedbound for years, and a shadow of his former self. But he will be remembered and there will be mass cards and remembrance masses /masses offered at anniversaries (we are in Ireland so not sure if this is the norm every where) & people will talk about him etc. But my baby has been all but forgotten.

So I guess this is my long winded way of saying, sorry for what you've been through. You're not alone, even if it feels like it. And be nice to yourself. I think what you're feeling is natural under the circumstances. It doesn't make you an attention seeker, so don't let anyone make you feel that you are. Take care xx