Brother named daughter after mine that died - not sure how I feel

[Magnolia86]

DD passed away unexpectedly in 2009. Her birth and death days are in April. My brother’s daughter arrived this month, a week before DD’s birthday. I found out today his daughter’s middle name is my daughter’s first name.

He is an amazing uncle to my other child and remembers DD’s birthday (the only person in my family). I know his intention is good and to keep my daughter’s memory alive within my family. He didn’t discuss his decision with me. Not sure what I would have said if he had.

I always find her anniversary very difficult. Feels like I’ll have even more of a reminder each year she isn’t here. I don’t know how I feel - just needed to put my thoughts down. I know it’s a beautiful tribute.

Anyone else faced similar?

Sorry for your loss.
They probably should have asked your thoughts first, however I feel like using it as middle name is less of an issue than using it as a first name - it's still a lovely tribute but less of a constant reminder.

he really should have discussed it with you first, however I do think it’s a lovely tribute to your daughter.

It comes from a place of love and he is keeping her memory alive, I agree he should have checked with you first.

I’m sorry for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through xx

So sorry that you lost your DD, I've not had exactly similar, but lots of babies lost through multiple miscarriages over many years and I know that anniversaries can be very difficult.

You know without question that your brother has done this with every good intention, and if you possibly can, I wonder if you could try and "re-frame" this tribute; that's not to say that it won't hurt, but with the two girls' birthdays being so close anyway, you were always going to be reminded of your DD's birth and death by your new niece's birthday. I guess what he's tried to do is to show his love for your DD by his DD bringing her name "back" with her...and I imagine she'll grow up knowing that she was named for her cousin, so that will keep it special forever, even when you and your brother are no longer here.

I don't know how I'd feel either...the trouble is when things hurt as badly as the loss of your child, everything feels wrong, even your niece's birthday in April feels like a slight, although of course it isn't. This isn't to minimise your feelings in any way, and it'll take time for you to work through them...of course it hurts, but maybe over time it will come to feel like the loving gesture he was hoping it would be.

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your DD.

I echo the PPs - as a middle name I'm sure your brother meant it as a heartfelt tribute, but it would have been much better to discuss it with you first.

Thank you all. I really appreciate your thoughts. Agree - it’s a lovely tribute done out of love. Better to have discussed beforehand, but I don’t hold this against him. He told me via text and so part of me was taken aback somewhat. But it’s ok. I certainly see all the good reasons for doing this.

He absolutely should have discussed the idea with you

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with you and pp, he should have spoken to you, but it's a moving and beautiful tribute.

Often we see advice to tell people things by text so they can processing privately so again he may have thought this was the most appropriate way to handle it.

I thought initially you meant first name which would be inappropriate without discussion but as a middle name I feel it is honoring her memory and you as his sister.

Very sorry for your loss.
maybe he’s done it by txt deliberately to give you some space and opportunity to react just you alone?
He should have discussed this with you but again maybe it was spontaneous decision given their birthdays were so close.

You have a lovely thoughtful brother and it sounds as if he had the best intentions.
Your baby girl will be remembered throughout the lifetime of her cousin . 💐

I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree he should have discussed it with you first, but it seems he’s doing it out of love and is trying to keep the memory of her alive. First name would have been a different story but of course I understand your shock and you’re entitled to feel blindsided by it. Have you spoken to him about it?

I am very sorry for your loss.
Personally I think using your daughter’s name as a middle name is a beautiful gesture. People very rarely use their middle names so I doubt you will hear the name said very often. One of my neices has my name as her middle name and the only time it has ever been spoken aloud in my presence was at her Christening. She’s 20 years old now. I hope that you are able to accept that he meant it as a tribute, and a sign of love.

We lost our son last year and a cousin used his name as a middle name for his daughter. He didn't talk to us about it first, just let us know once she'd been registered. I took it in the spirit in which it was intended and to be completely honest, even though we see them at least once a week, I had completely forgotten she had his name as her middle name until I read your post.

I think it's a bit of a shock for you right now, but a middle name isn't really going to come up in conversation or when seeing your new niece and so I'd try not to worry. Your brother obviously thought you'd be touched.

Sending love.

Thank you to the posters since my last reply. Yes, middle names are rarely mentioned. Good point that texting gives time to process. This is true.

I’m not at all angry/upset - just wasn’t sure how to feel although I know the intention was pure. The replies have really helped me.

Just remembered. Brother told my son on the phone before he told me a couple of days ago. DS told me baby had been named and when I asked, he said he couldn’t remeber the full name - said it was “First name something. Can’t remember it all” :-) I now see he wasn’t sure how I’d react.

Sorry for your loss. I agree he has probably given this a lot of thought and gone with the option he thought would cause you the least pain. That is to say, presenting it as a fait accomplis, as loving tribute that won't come to your attention often, so you could process privately rather than as a discussion where you may have felt you had to agree in the moment. I probably would have done it differently, you might have done. But please give your brother the benefit of the doubt here. It sounds like your daughter and you are hugely important to him even if he hasn't got it quite right💐

Im so sorry about your beautiful girl.
My daughter was stillborn and if someone in the family used her name as a middle name, I think I’d be touched, but I would want it discussed before hand. It’s the kind of news that would be lovely but also a massive shock to the system and I would need time to digest it x