My 4 year old remembers

[CryingInTheCupboard]

He wasn't quite 3 when his baby brother was born sleeping. We worried about how to tell him, and him being upset and confused, but we told him he'd gone to the stars and he just accepted it. We've had another baby since, and he's never mentioned it again. I guess we haven't either. I don't want him to be too aware of death at his age.

We've bought him a light for his bedroom that projects stars on to the ceiling. We were lying in his bed with it on and he said he feels like he's in the stars. I said he was. He said "like the baby before baby brothers name"

I'm stunned. I know maybe we didn't handle it right, we never told him the baby we lost even had a name, hence why he just said the baby before his now new (live) brothers name. He was just so young it didn't feel right. I don't know. But I can't believe he remembers.

He will likely remember lots of big feelings going on around him. Lots of people talking about him being a big brother.

He may not remember forever tbh. Stuff my DC remembered when they were young seems to have disappeared in their teens.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby.

I have an almost four year old and I have been consistently amazed at what he can remember, even from age 2.5-3. our children are amazing little things and I think we underestimate them sometimes.
But I also think it's really nice that he does remember and thinks of your baby in the stars.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There's no "right" way to handle these things, just the one that feels right at the time to the people involved. This sounds like a very sweet moment. It sounds like he has some memory but not a distressing one which sounds to me like you handled it perfectly.

Sad though it is, it's lovely that he remembers his baby brother, and that he took on board your explanation. You sound like a lovely family, and I'm sorry about your sadness.

Thinking of his sibling as being in the stars is a lovely way to remember. You did exactly the right thing. If he mentions it again agree with him.

I’m so sorry for your loss

My (just turned) 3 year old was talking about Christmas earlier and saying that we’d have to move our log holder thing out the way for Santa to get down, that we left carrots out but couldn’t leave pies out as our cat might eat them and get poorly. We talked to her about this all over Christmas and not since. We were really surprised she remembered that from 6 months ago.

It was so unexpected I didn't really know how to respond, I just said yes, like our baby.

I'm feeling guilty now for not telling him his name. He does have a name, our boy we lost. His dad and I talk of him, but only in private. Do I share that with my 4 year old? Or will that confuse things after so long?

Thank you for the kind words.

If he mentions it again I’d agree that is where baby brother is. And I’d add, did you know baby was called ‘insert name’.

i am not a fan of family secrets and though you haven’t done it intentionally if this baby isn’t mentioned he may forget or think he shouldn’t mention them. Telling him babies name gives him more information and I think most children don’t fear death

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I actually think his response tonight sounds like you handled it perfectly ❤️

I would tell him his other brother's name. Perhaps when you have a chilled bedtime looking at the stars?

Do you have a photo of your DS2? Do you feel able to have it out somewhere, one framed with his name on it?

Agree with PPs about sharing the name at a good moment. Don't hide death from him. It's much better to talk openly about it, than to hide it and treat it as something scary. It becomes more scary if you act as though it is...

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can imagine apart from the shock of your son remembering it, it's probably been quite a gut punch for you tonight too, I hope you're ok.
It sounds like you've handled it beautifully, and while it doesn't need to be a big sit-down chat, now that you know he's aware of his brother, there's nothing to stop him becoming part of your lives - if you're comfortable with it, let his name be spoken, and let it be normal for your children to know about him.
But again, only within your own comfort zone - do you think you might benefit from seeing a counsellor to think about how you would approach it?

Thanks all. I will do. I fell pregnant again really soon after and when he just didn't mention it again I kind of thought in his young brain both pregnancies had kind of become one. It's really stunned me that he remembers! I think if I hadn't fallen pregnant again so soon perhaps we'd of spoken more, and our sleeping boy would be a bigger part of our family, that we talk about and display photos of. But I just sort of threw myself into surviving the new pregnancy that I wasn't ready for and trying to be ok. He does feel like a secret sometimes. Perhaps this means I can change that.

I think it would be lovely if he knew his name x

Cross post, but yes that's a really lovely thought. I feel a lot of guilt for the boy I lost, like he was instantly replaced and erased. He wasn't in my heart, but I can see how it would look like that to the people around me. I think it was just a coping mechanism to try and survive my next pregnancy. It's bought up a lot of emotions tonight!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy ✨

There's no perfect way to handle something so heartbreaking but you've done an incredible job keeping everyone else going and bringing another little person into the world - no need to feel guilt at all! Easier said than done, of course.
Maybe it might help to think of how you've held onto your sleeping son so tightly has been less about keeping him a secret and more about treasuring him and holding him close until you're ready to share him? Sorry if I'm wording it clumsily but hopefully you know what I mean!
Hope you're ok and can be a bit gentle with yourself tonight especially xxx

I'm sorry for your loss. My first baby was stillborn and I've spoken about her with her sister and brother. Just her name, that she died inside me, and her birthday.

Children absorb and have some sort of understanding of much, much more than we realise. When you're ready and it's the right time, I would tell your living children their sibling's name. The baby is still part of your family and history, and it's always so much easier to make these things part of ordinary life rather than them finding out when they're much older (and these things always do come out, one way or another) and having to explain why you didn't tell them.

And I know what you mean about plough through subsequent pregnancies, then it all coming up unexpectedly. For me, it was eight years afterwards I went into therapy and I when I spoke about my first baby's death, the intensity of emotions was like it had happened the day before. I hadn't realised that I was still sitting on so much grief, despite having two healthy, lovely children since her death.

I would talk about him, give his brother his name. He remembers. He shares in your family history, he is part of the story. You do not need to dwell on it in massive detail, just wait until he mentions the baby and tell him the baby has a name. Answer questions if asked etc.

My dc has a friend who talks about his sibling who "never got born alive". Quite matter of factly, as children often do.

I am so sorry for your loss x

I was given a book called 'the little star' about a starfish family where a baby star fish dies and they talk about them being in the sky. My children both older and younger than my stillborn find it useful.

I'm my situation we have always talked about the baby that died but my eldest child asked lots of questions at the time. I find that instead of a big conversation it's a lot of little conversations here and there as and when understanding develops.