A difficult one, one babies ashes and one new baby

[goodbyeandhello]

My beautiful son was born sleeping at the start of the year, he was cremated and we had a private service and said our goodbyes. We planned to put his ashes somewhere special near our home where we go regularly so he could be with us. The thing is, I fell pregnant again unexpectedly within weeks and sort of shut down. I feel a lot of guilt but I couldn't let myself think about the baby that I lost, I think I was trying to protect myself from the fear of it happening again. It got to a point I stopped even using his name or mentioning him. I also struggled to bond with my new pregnancy, I just sort of shut off emotionally. The long and short of it is my new, living baby will be coming home with me just tomorrow or Friday and my sleeping babies ashes are in the bedside drawer next to his bedside cot and I feel so heavy about this. I've asked my husband if we can this morning, before heading to hospital, go and spread them. I feel a need to show him some respect, say goodbye, use his name again before bringing home my baby. My husband however is saying that we can't just dispose of him like an after thought before bringing a new baby home and I don't need to rush it. In my opinion I'm not rushing it, I've had a huge panic before every scan that I'm going to end up with two lots of ashes, it weighs heavily on me. I just wasn't strong enough any sooner. I'm feeling really conflicted this morning and I know I need to focus my attention on the baby I'm having today, not the one I lost. But I just feel like I've not fully done everything to say goodbye.

Can anyone advise? I don't want to do the wrong thing and look back and think maybe I wasn't acting rationally.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. That sounds really difficult. Have you explained your reasoning to your husband? Could you possibly show him this post if it's easier?

Thanks, I have, I think just with the baby coming today he thinks I'm rushing it but really I've just put it off until the very last second. It just feels wrong to leave him in a drawer with this baby coming home.

Another though would be that this way he's meeting his new sibling and welcoming him home? I wonder if your DH is feeling upset about it and that's it's a rush from his POV.

Do what's right for all of you.

Why not move the ashes somewhere else in the house for now. I can empathise with the panic you are in and I don't think anyone would know exactly the right thing to do in this situation.

Your husband may be right in the long term, you might feel like you rushed it in the future. Sending lots of love for today.

So sorry for your loss.
I can completely see your husbands point of view.
Have you thought about having the ashes made into some jewellery? I think that would feel respectful and like you are honouring him.
So difficult.

I think do something to remember your son today but leave the ashes for another day. You could then involve his sibling in saying goodbye and to be honest it sounds like your husband isn't ready. Is there somewhere you can visit today, a place that was special to you when you were pregnant for example? To pay respects in another way? Thinking of you, what an emotional time it must be xx

So sorry for your loss. Could you spread half and keep half? Or write his name on a bunch of flowers and throw them in the river or leave them somewhere meaningful?
There isn’t a wrong or right thing to do.

Hi OP
I'm so sorry for your awful loss. Gently I would suggest that spreading ashes is something that ideally should be done in a peaceful way, not from a place of guilt or stress. Obviously everyone is different and everyone's journey through grief is unique to them but perhaps you could wait a little longer? Maybe it's something you could do in a few months with your new baby as a symbolic way of saying 'this was your sibling and I want you to know they were born, they were real and we will always love them'. In the meantime, maybe there's a grandparent or trusted family member who would be able to look after the ashes for you while you settle into life with your baby?

Obviously you have to do what's right for you. Grief is such a complex thing and when you're ready, maybe you'd be willing to talk to a grief counsellor as well?

I’m so very sorry for your loss.
My daughter was stillborn in jan 2017, and I had my son March 2019. My daughters ashes are still at home, currently in my sons bedroom (out of reach!) but she will be coming in with us soon. We’ve never wanted to scatter her ashes but I know that some people would want to do this and have someone to go to remember their babies.
it’s such a difficult thing to decide and think of so maybe put the ashes out of the way for now. You’re going through a very emotional time yourself and maybe your husband isn’t ready. There is always tomorrow xx

Firstly I'm sending big hugs for you, it's such an emotional rollercoaster of a time. Each and every feeling is valid and you need to let yourself feel each one.
Secondly you do not need to make big decisions right now.

I've got a special shelf in my living room with my daughter's ashes and we also had some ashes made into jewellery. We talk about her to my elder daughter and my son who is younger. Yesterday we lit a candle and sang her happy birthday.

For now I'd move the ashes to a different place in the house and take time to think about what's right for your family.

OP

I am so sorry for your loss.

Don't feel guilty or rushed. Try not to judge how you felt or reacted at various points. There's no 'right' thing to do. You've weathered the unimaginable. Please be kind to yourself.

I agree with your DH. There's no rush with the ashes of your first child. Take your time. Do it in a way that honours him, that you are ready to fully feel and focus on.

You aren't replacing him. Your heart can hold space for both babies.

Wait until more time has passed. You don't want to rush this and then regret it.

Could you put the ashes somewhere else for now? Maybe buy a beautiful box and put them in the living room today?

I'm so sorry that you've had such a difficult time. I didn't have a stillbirth but had recurrent losses and infertility before I had my DD and relate to a lack of bonding.

I worry you would regret scattering your son's ashes now. Your DH hasn't had any warning and it must feel like a rush to him.

Could you:

Ask someone you love to look after your son's ashes, if you feel you need some space before you do scatter them? Eg. A parent, sibling or friend?

Move them to another part of the house?

You will be going through all kinds of inner turmoil right now and very, very gently, I don't think it's the time for big decisions like this. My brother did suddenly not very long ago and I already have some regrets about knee jerk reactions of my own. I know how easy it is for me to say it, which is why I wonder if someone you love could look after your son's ashes for you, just for now.

So sorry for your loss This must be an incredibly difficult and bittersweet time.

could you plan to inter the ashes in a pot with a patio rose? Some people like to bury the placenta like this (it's not for everyone though!) so could you bury the ashes and something like this of your new baby (placenta or cord stump? First baby hat?).

Whatever you decide, maybe having a plan of what to do will be enough even if you don't manage to do whatever you decide.

good luck!