Making big changes

[ThisOneNow]

Our DD died a few weeks after she was born six years ago now. Since then we’ve had two DSs and life has been pretty non-stop with big life events and covid until the last year. Now that I have a bit more mental space I’m really struggling to come to terms with how much pain and grief I still feel. I keep searching for things to fill the void or make me feel like my DD’s life and death have some meaning – big changes like having another baby or changing my job to something completely different. I’m so scared to make the big changes though. If our DD hadn’t died, I would think life was pretty perfect – a career that I love, wonderful DH, two lovely DCs so I don’t know if the changes that I think about are the right thing for me, or just me running away from the pain.
Also, I’ve lost so much confidence in myself and trust that things will go well in the end. Maybe we’re just sold too many stories about how other people have done amazing things with their lives to honour their lost child, that makes it difficult to carry on as originally planned. I would love to hear from anyone who can relate to this. Did you make the big changes or just carry on as before, wondering about doing something? Are you glad you made the decision you did? Does this desperate search for something else fade over time?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your DD. I don't have any answers for you but instead feel like I could have written your post. My DD died on the day she was born almost 6 years ago now - I have since had 2 DSs and I feel the same, still totally overcome with grief and I think actually possibly have some PTSD that has all been put to the background with pregnancy, Covid lockdowns 2 small children and the general craziness of life for the past few years. But now things are coming back to some sense of normality - my youngest is 2 so out of the baby haze, back to work full time etc etc it's like my mind keeps wandering to doing something else almost like a subconscious need to have something in my life to keep my mind occupied and as busy as possible because part of me is afraid to stop and really try to think about and process everything. Sorry for rambling on but your post really resonated with me.

Wow - your story is so similar to mine! Thank you for replying - it really helps to here from someone else in that position, especially when I think most people in my life assume that I've "got over" what happened. My youngest is also 2 and I'm back to work now. I'm pretty sure I do have some PTSD - I'm on the NHS waiting list for some trauma therapy but it's such a long waiting list. And I tried anti-deprrssants which are meant to help with PTSD but I didn't like how they made me feel (although they did reduce anxiety and anger). I'll probably look into private therapy once our nursery fees are not so huge. I just don't seem to be able to just settle into enjoying what we have.

The trauma is unresolved and your busy life over the last 6 years have only put off the inevitable. It is incredibly difficult to recover from the loss of a child. It's important not to feel guilty for feeling this way but talking therapy is a good start.