Why doesn't this get easier - 2 birth days, 1 day, 1 living

[HowCanIForget]

I'm hoping noone else shares this set of circumstances because every single year it feels like someone is playing a cruel awful joke, except it isnt funny. I'd hate it for someone else going through the highs and lows all in one day.

I haven't changed any details because I can't deny my daughter her right to be remembered, or her 3 siblings the right to their own feelings too.

28 years ago today, at 13:02, my 2nd daughter (3rd baby), Sofia Maria was stillborn at 37 weeks. I really wanted a boy so still blame myself but everyone else saying it wasn't my fault. She was very small for dates - she grew so well until about 28 weeks then that was it. She stopped growing and her heartbeat stopped during her induced labour at 37 weeks.

27 years ago today, at 16:07, their baby brother, Brendan, was born at 37 weeks, small for dates but tough as that proverbial Ocxen. He is so beautiful;it's like he has enough of everyone that he's like 2 people.

It always feels wrong, celebrating Brendan's amazing life whilst finding a quiet corner for Sophia, to remember her - she has taught me so much.

How do I stop Sofia's death causing this gut wrenching pain when I want so much to have a happy day for Brendan?

I think that given he is 27 you could sit with him and explain that you might not always seem full of joy on his birthday because of Sophie and you like to spend time reflecting on her.

I'm so sorry to hear about Sofia Maria.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with it. The day is always going to be split between pain and joy. You need to try and find a way to celebrate Brendan and remember Sofia.

A friend who has a similar difficult day ignores the date first thing, sends her daughter to school, remembers her son during the day, then does birthday celebrations in the afternoon/evening.

💐

I'm not sure how I've ended up on this post but can't even start to imagine how difficult it must be for you. I wonder if there is some peace to be found in accepting that it will always be a day of very mixed emotions for you rather than chastising yourself for not being happy all day. Maybe the 2 emotions can live side by side or there is some kind of ritual you could do to acknowledge Sofia and all she has taught you.