Is it childhood trauma

2 replies

emzylou76 · 26/04/2022 10:13

So when I was 2 years old my mum left my Spanish father in Barcelona and moved to England to live with my grandma her mum. My father was a violent man, and it was affecting me too so she left. I had my mum to myself and my grandma till I was 4 when my mum introduce me to her new partner, I dont have any happy memories of my childhood just that her new man wasn't keen on kids and I was always told to leave them alone and go to my room. I had only my grandma to spend time with so I did . I didn't spend time with my mum and new man because I didn't feel welcome, my grandma would be my life ! We all lived in the same house my parents upstairs and my grandma downstairs. I would get Into bed withy grandma because I was afraid of the dark but my mum just told me I was silly. My mum used to pick fault about my size saying I was too skinny for a dress and that my ears would stick out. I grew up having no confidence, my grandma died when I was 9 and my world ended I was left with my mum and this man who I felt didn't want me and then they had a new baby which I resented because they felt like a family and I wasn't part of it, I got bullied at school and I went off the rails when my best friend died, I ran away from home I don't know why I did but I think I was just so confused and bereaved. I was severely punished for my actions and this made me feel crap again nobody understood. I was an off the rails teenager as mum mum labelled me .I'm now 45 and my step dad has acknowledged that they were not there for me enough, but my mum is in denial and thinks I was an awful person as a child still it was all my fault, she acts like a child when I bring up the past, gaslighting me. I have been through lots more in my life without the support of her, IE... rape case where he was found not guilty I did it all alone because I never felt supported. My step sister was always the golden child but I am labelled as the trouble. I have a family of my own now amd I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and my parents refuse to accept it. IS THIS ABUSE? indeed to accept it and move on but I can't I'm sure this is why I have fibromyalgia now from childhood trauma ?

OP posts:

JJ12 · 26/04/2022 10:47

Your mother neglected you. She wasn’t emotionally available for you when you lost your grandma and best friend. She knows this but can’t look at herself as she’s too ashamed to face the truth.

Remember though she is a victim of abuse due to the violence from your father and maybe she has never dealt with this issue she’s blocked it out and went off to play happy families with someone else. This was maybe her way of coping.

I think counselling would do you good. It might help you to accept what’s happened to you. I find when there’s something in our life we can’t accept we can’t move forward.

Yes you have been treated unfairly, you have been robbed of a good relationship with your parents and it’s sad and you are allowed to grieve for that relationship however once you have past this stage you will accept the things you can’t change and move forward concentrating on you and building up your own self esteem and self worth.

I really hope you make peace with this and I hope I haven’t said anything to cause offence or upset.

I can’t comment on your traumatic rape ordeal I cannot imagine what you must have went through. My heart goes out to you.

JJ12 · 26/04/2022 10:47

Your mother neglected you. She wasn’t emotionally available for you when you lost your grandma and best friend. She knows this but can’t look at herself as she’s too ashamed to face the truth.

I think counselling would do you good. It might help you to accept what’s happened to you. I find when there’s something in our life we can’t accept we can’t move forward.

I really hope you make peace with this and I hope I haven’t said anything to cause offence or upset.

I can’t comment on your traumatic rape ordeal I cannot imagine what you must have went through. My heart goes out to you.

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