F/T step mum' or am i...on the verge of a breakdown!

[Gibmummy]

Im new to posting on here but no one i know is in the situation i'm in and im just hoping there is someone out there who can help.
Im not going to bore with a long story or be too specific as i fear DSC's mother is somewhere not too far off on here.

All I ask is can a full time step mum ever really feel her role is worthy?

I've lived with dp, my dd aged 10 and 2 dss and one dsd aged 15 for 1 year, we have been in a relationship for 4 years and were both full time single parents when we met.

I made big changes to be with the man i love and was prepared to move house, area, move my dd's school and take on his kids as my own. I even changed my work routine so i could be home with the kids more during school holidays.

A year on, im not sure i've done the right thing. I affectively feel that ive just moved into his routine and existence and because there's less of us than of his brood, we cant shout as loud. we moved into a new neutral home so as to be fair all round.
His kids hardly come to me for anything, on occassions his two youngest hardly speak to me or acknowledge my existence. I feel like just the person who cleans, puts food in the cupboard, takes them to school every now and then and makes the money grow on trees.

Their mother is close by and is becoming increasingly more involved as i suspect she is jealous of our set up and that someone is close to her kids (She left the family home when the yongest was 4 to be with another man and wouldnt take them with her). They utterly adore her. She still can only handle limited contact, wont take them on holiday or spend any money on them, still favours the oldest, a girl over the boys but that doesnt faze them. Me, i doubt they would rush to put me out if i was on fire. My own famnily babysit her kids and offer to take them during holidays to help us out. She does the nice bits, and wont go anywhere near snot, sick or anything midly child related.

Ive tried so hard to engage them, the 15yr old girl is actually better to get along with but at a time when she;s looking to a mother figure, its never going to be me she comes to. I never know whose doing what in our house, whose coming or going, and never a part of any decisions making processes around his children.

In essence, im in a quandry about where to go from here. My Parter wants us to get married. I would love to and would even like to have another child (not good now i know) but im scared i will eventually start to resent them if my relationship with the kids doesnt get better. Im prepared to financially, emotionally support them as i would my own but i feel sad that i dont get much back, not even a thankyou after dinner or any respect that im an adult too and this is also my house.
Its the thought of graduations, school asemblies, future weddings. Where will I be? what will my role be when mother dearest is clucking around suddenly wanting a piece of the limelight for one day only?

It pains me to be at the point of making a decision. Do i stay with the man i love, move on get married etc and run the risk that the kids will never truly accept me, or do i quit now and save everyone the misery later down the line. I cant believe im at a stage whereby children are effectively dictating my future.

My daughter adores my partner, and he adores her.

From one day to the next my thoughts sway one way to the other, its affecting my health and as a final twist of the knife in my back, this whole situation has turned my hair grey.

Is there anyone out there who has been in this situation? Its so differnt for the step dad to come along and take on a mothers children, but as usual its oh so more difficult for the ladies to take on another mans children.

Sorry for the rant, but i actually feel better just getting this all out.

Cheers

x

I haven't been in this position so can only imagine. I did end a relationship with another SP because I didn't want to move forward into considering he sort of situation where I would be stepmother to his 3 teenage lads (I have 2 boys of my own). I thought that they would resent me and I would not be strong enough to deal with it. I was fond of their Dad but did not think the relationship would withstand the strain.

You, on the other hand, love their father and it sounds to me as if you are making a wonderful job of what could never be, in all honesty, an easy situation. The DSCs are always going to love their mother more than you - and really, wouldn't you think it odd if they didn't? Your DP loves you and your daughter, not their mother.

I do hope you sort things out.

Gib, I so understand and feel for you. I have been a SM for 5 years and now a FT SM to our eldest.

SYTL has a very good point

I often felt the way you feel and sometimes, when times are hard, I still do, as another SM on here said; being the step mum means being at the bottom of the food chain, and that is hard to accept.

We did get married and included all the children in the ceremony, it was more than a wedding, a bit more like we are committing to buildling our new family. The kids really enjoyed it and that was a turning point for us.

With time I have become an important person in their life but that only happened when the children were ready to get over their own parents separation and accept that things are now different.

Your best ally is time; as time go by your SC will realise and appreciate all that you do for them. It might be hard for them too as they'll be afraid to voice their appreciatioln as they may fear it appears like they are betraying their mother.

If you seek the unconditional love that your own child gives you, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. It's a different kind of love...as it is a different parent/child relationship. My SC's mother left the family home, hurt her children badly but that will never stop children loving her.

Try to ignore what she does, says etc. Build your own happiness on what you have around you, you partner and your children and accept it will never be perfect, as it never is!

The problem here isn't the stepkids, it's their dad. I think if both natural parents are fully involved then the step parent often isn't really needed in a "parent" capacity and shouldn't try and muscle in and be an unnecessary extra parent. Just step back and let the parents get on with it and be there for the kids when they need you like an auntie figure.

On the other hand not knowing what is going on and who is going to be in your house for meals etc isn't on. Your partner should be discussing this sort of thing with you ad ensuring if his kids tell him stuff he passes it on to you.

His kids don't treat you rudely by the sound of things. None of my kids, natural or step ever thank me for meals If they all went "thank you for my dinner" after every meal I'd feel i was living in a victorian novel.

Stop trying to be their parent, get their dad to discuss who is going where with you and maybe to help more with the household stuff.

I think the term step parent is unhelpful when kids have 2 active parents. Stop expecting to play a parenting role and maybe find stuff outside the house to occupy you.

Being more like an auntie figure doesn't work when you're doing all the physical side of parenting for step-children. You just end up feeling like a house-keeper.

Why is being a parent figure so important?
When my stepdaughter was here this weekend I didn't feel like a housekeeper. With teenagers they all treat the house like a hotel anyway.
I don't find the fact that negotiations are done between her parents or that she doesn't confide in me a problem. I'm not her mum. I expect her to be pleasant to me, and we generally get on well. i definitely don't expect a mother daughter type relationship though. She has a mum for that.
Get the kids and their dad doing more if you feel you're doing all the housework. They sound old enough.

It doesn't sound like they like or respect you. Which is very unjust, as you sound like a very nice woman who has certainly done enough to warrant their respect. But if they don't, they don't - if you want to salvage a relationship with them, then you're going to have to take positive steps to create the relationship, however artificial it may seem.

I'm struggling to come up with things that you can do with teenage boys which they'll enjoy, but if you can think of something then do it - just you and them. Or one DSS at a time, if that's possible. And be tough with them - they should be thanking you for meals, etc; that's just normal behaviour. Insist on it, make a bit of drama. I think possibly you've been too nice and too accommodating.

Do people's children really thank them for meals?

I think relationships often just grow with time and that by just being in their lives and not being unpleasant to them and helping them relationships grow, especially if as here mum is not very capable. In time they'll recognise what you have done.
The main thing is the relationship with their dad and making sure he shows he thinks you are imprtant to the kids and refuses to let them be rude to you.

When you give them a plate of food they say thanks or 'please can I have a drink'
they don't say after every meal 'thank you fir that lively dinner'
but basic manners are important and their dad should be pulling them up on it and not expecting you to ve their skivvy'

Oh I agree with that. If kids or stepkids don't say thank you when given food or drink it is taken back. I remind their friends to say thank you as well. No-one should get away with bad manners. But the OP and her partner should be correcting that.

Right. I don't know if any of this helps but this is what I've done in a similar situation. It will need your DP to be fully on side though. Have you spoken to him about this?

1- Get a family calander. One with a section for each person and get everyone to fill in what they're up to each day.

2- Make a rota of little jobs for all your DC's to do. We've made it completly optional but pocket money is dependent on it! 9 times out of 10 they all do their jobs with no fuss at all.

3- Have family meetings. Although ours have descended into chaos on occasions I think they've been a great way of getting everyone to communicate and of letting the kids know (or at least think!) we are taking their views seriously.

4- Do you ever spend any time alone with your DSC's? Would it be possible to spend a little bit of time with each of them individually every so often? The occasional shopping/ cinema/ park trip has helped my relationship with my DSC's no end. It's so difficult when you feel ignored in your own house. Are your yougest 2 boys? I think at the moment I have a great relationship with my 2 DSD's but it can be difficult with my DSS. There are still times when he doesn't even acknowledge that I'm there, which is heart breaking. Maybe it's a boy thing though? But I'm afread I can give you no advice as to how to deal with it.

My view on 'parenting' DSC's is that, for the time that they are in your house you are for all intents and purposes their 'mother'. By that I don't mean that you have to take their real DM's place, or get involved in every aspect of parenting but I think, at the very least, you have to be aware of where they are at any given time and let them know when you do not like they way they are behaving. I actually think that your DP hasn't handled all this very well, it's really his job to make tham aware that he expects them to treat you with respect. Are you able to talk talk to him about it?